Tuesday

Douchebag of the Month: Alberto Gonzales


Our Attorney General Alberto Gonzales was hauled before the Senate Judiciary Committee today to answer more questions about why his office is so corrupt. The JP is really sick of seeing this guy's mug around. The man gets totally lambasted every time he's called before Congress. This time, Arlen Specter (R-PA) informed him that “There is evidence of low morale, very low morale, lack of credibility,” Mr. Specter said, scoffing at Mr. Gonzales’s promise to repair his agency. “Candidly, your personal credibility."

Promises to repair things tend to be the trademark of this administration. As soon as Bush heard about the Plame leak, he told everyone he'd take care of whomever did it. If you google "Scooter Libby Total Bullshit", you'll see how it turned out. It's like Bush has an army of political kamikazes, who he hired because they were nobodys, ready to throw themselves in the line of fire. The longer each of them can last, the better, because they can take more of the bullets the next time. Gonzales spouts such crap ("And Mr. Gonzales, besides promising that he 'will not tolerate any improper politicization of this department,' said he would not leave under a cloud. 'I have never been one to quit,' he said) that Congress should take him at his word and can his ass. Watching them abuse separation of powers would be a blessing.

Seriatim Poll

Who's more of a dumbass, Michael Vick or Lindsay Lohan. JP's gonna dust off his ad-vo-catin' skillz and make a case for each.

First, it was "someone got caught fighting dogs on Michael Vick's land," then, "Michael Vick had the house for awhile and it was his family, he probably knew about it," to "Michael Vick was a dog-fighting ringleader nicknamed 'Oogie' who was a big name in the circuit," and finishing immercifully with "Michael Vick is no longer an NFL QB, he's going to jail on felony charges." If JP had half the athleticism of Michael Vick, he'd be out kicking ass. Human ass.



Lindsay Lohan just got out of rehab like a week ago and has already been busted for driving drunk with cocaine. It isn't like JP can't understand wanting a little sauce to take the edge off the day or anything; I just can't understand why she wastes so much time in rehab when obviously all she wants to do is go out and get blown. JP gives the drunken driving with coke mixed reviews, and the rehab stays two thumbs down.

Which of these celebrities wastes the most bandwidth? Find out next time on You're a Dumbass!

Hungry Germans

The mayor of Berlin admitted yesterday that zoo workers have been killing captive animals and selling them for their meat. The headline proclaims that "Zoo Workers Shot Animals for Meat", as if condemning them for their cruelty while simultaneously rewarding them for their resourcefulness. At least they didn't shoot the animals to watch them die, or to have sex with them, like our most famous Wisconsin animal sex criminal who memorably argued, reminiscent of the great Burrito v. Sandwich debate in Nebraska, that an animal wasn't legally an animal if it's dead for the purposes of bestiality. No harm, no foul, right?

Sidenote: The wonders of Burrito v. Sandwich have been translated into French Funnynews. In case you were curious about the French result, "un burrito n'est pas un sandwich."

Monday

Breaking News on CNN: No cancer found in Bush's colon

Although, in a lesser-publicized finding, Bush's doctors were surprised that his colon is not human-shaped and actually much more closely resembles the excretion system of the male cow. "We've been wondering why his stool samples always kind of look like bull's shit," one doctor noted anonymously. "We've known the President has been full of bull's shit for awhile, but we've had advisers burying the bull's shit for years to make sure no one else is privy to the problem. Karl Rove told me if the bull's shit ever got out, it would really hit the fan."

If Slate's "Dear Prudence" were combined with The Onion's "Point Counterpoint"

Point: From Slate's "Dear Prudence":
Dear Prudie,
I am a fairly happy newlywed. The first time I met my husband, I thought he was gay. Even months into our friendship, I still thought he was. Then he asked me out and we kissed and I was convinced otherwise. Now I am constantly flooded with suspicions. It's driving me crazy. I sometimes catch him staring at a man or standing in a weird way. When we first started dating, one of his jerky friends told me that they'd had sex. I was told that was a joke. Just when I've convinced myself that I'm wrong, he goes and screams like a girl or crosses his legs or doesn't ask for sex or doesn't tell me I'm sexy or any number of things that are driving me bonkers. I've confronted him a couple times and he denies it up and down, but gets kind of defensive. I'm getting miserable.

—Suspicious Wife


Counterpoint:

Dear Baseball Beer Dude,
I'm a fairly happy newlywed. The first time I met my wife, I thought she was a huge bitch. Even after we were friends for awhile, I still felt like, under her cover of niceties and friendliness, she was kind of a bitch. Then, we started a relationship, and she was so amicable that I was convinced otherwise. Now, I'm pretty sure I was wrong. It's driving me crazy. Sometimes, when I leave the toilet seat up, she screams at me from across the house, even though putting a toilet seat down is no Herculean affair. She'll be nice for days, though, and I'll really be convinced that it's just me displacing bitchiness onto her. But then she'll yell at me for having my tenth beer, or tell me to get up off my ass and clean the garage, or inform me she's throwing a "Keep my husband from watching football on Sunday" party all day Sunday for hundreds of friends and their friends in the space between the recliner and the TV. Every time I confront her and ask her if she truly is a bitch, it strangely makes her both be more of one and deny it simultaneously, getting really defensive. I'm getting miserable.

-Suspicious Husband

I think I could count on one hand

the number of times I've read a national call to arms to think less. France's new Finance Minister under Sarkozy, Christine Lagarde, implored her fellow country-people to get out of their own heads:
“France is a country that thinks,” [Lagarde] told the National Assembly. “There is hardly an ideology that we haven’t turned into a theory. We have in our libraries enough to talk about for centuries to come. This is why I would like to tell you: Enough thinking, already. Roll up your sleeves.”

Perhaps too confondu at how Lagarde managed to come up with her new idea, French thinker Alain Finkielkraut responded rather thoughtfully:
“How absurd to say we should think less! If you have the chance to consecrate your life to thinking, you work all the time, even in your sleep. Thinking requires setbacks, suffering, a lot of sweat.”

I would've taken the opposite rhetorical approach: Instead of saying that thinking is work, how does Lagarde deal with the fact that work, largely, is thinking. Being a legal scholar in high repute, JPS doesn't have to roll up his sleeves to go to work. In fact, the air conditioning in his building is such that, if his sleeves were rolled up, he might be distracted from analyzing promissory estoppel by the fact that his arms are cold.

If Lagarde's advocating the abolition of France's 35 hour work week tradition, hey, at least that's something substantive to debate. How that relates to not thinking, especially for those in thinking professions, I'm not so sure.

Friday

Spam Email

I just got an email with the subject "Urgent message!" from the "Arizona Federal Credit Union". I really should switch banks, because a state federal credit union sounds about as confused with federalism as I am with finance.

Marmaduke Explained

Marmaduke Explained is a Joe Mathlete creation. Joe Mathlete also puts out such quality blogs as Joe Mathlete Draws a Nipple on Ziggy's Nose, and Joe Mathlete Will Draw Anything You Ask Him to on an Index Card. Mr. Mathlete has clearly struck a vein in the gold mine of the internet universe and is one of our buddies (like Ticor) who we don't know, but we figure is pretty kick ass. I bet getting wasted with Joe Mathlete is a trip.

Some quality Marmaduke's explained:
The literary Marmaduke
Hippies
The Oedipus Complex
Nuts in Sprinkler

Thursday

Is it possible to get fired your 2L summer?

Yes, as a matter of fact it is. From Above the Law: Their Summer Associate of the Day was fired from Katten in Chicago because:
(a) he allegedly engaged in inappropriate sexual conduct with female summer associates, variously described as "repeatedly smack[ing] the asses of female summers" or "playing grab ass with female summers," and (b) he allegedly made racially insensitive jokes, in front of multiple attorneys.

In dude's defense, the JP is aware of many female summer associates actively seeking a game of grabass. Maybe he thought this was one of those "no means yes" situations? The comments on ATL really don't portray dude in a good light though:
Truths:
-SA - white kid at a top 10 law school.
-VERY stupid comments made, which he doesn't understand would be taken the way they were. Racial comments (real ones, in the N-word level) and unwanted physical contact.

I wonder if he combined the two by grabbing a girl's ass while hurling racial epitaphs at her. JP thinks you should stick to one or the other, at least until they hire you.

Make it Stop, For the Love of God!


John, I am in awe. You were -5 through 11 and really looking like you were going to make a run at the top of the first day leaderboard. I just want to ask: What happened to you after that eagle on 11? Nothing but eagles, birdies and pars to that point: Nothing but pars, bogeys, double bogeys, and triple bogeys after that.

Daly played the last seven holes in +8 to finish with a respectable (total-blowup) score of 74 (+3) and in a tie for 96th as of right now. Following John is like following no other golfer. There are Forrest Gump undertones: You really never know what you're gonna get.

John Daly is Totally Out of Contention at a Major


After double bogeying the 12th and parring 13, John Daly put up a snowman 8 to make triple-bogey on the par 5 14th. For someone like John, making an 8 will probably ignite the fuse that is his golf game: At this point, if he gets off the course without hurting himself or anyone else, we'll call it a successful day for the big man.

JOHN DALY'S NO LONGER WINNING A MAJOR!!!


After eagling 11, Daly promptly made a double bogey 6 on the par 4 12th. He's now in a three-way tie for second. Any man who can take back-to-back par 4s in a major and go 2-6 is awesome.

JOHN DALY'S WINNING A MAJOR!!!


As of right now, John Daly is -5 through 11 holes and has first place all to himself on the first day of the British Open. Daly just made eagle 2 on the par 4, 383 yard 11th hole to go one shot ahead of Paul McGinley. He won the PGA in 1991, after getting into the tournament as the 9th alternate, and the British in 1995.

To take a line from Napoleon Dynamite, John Daly is basically the greatest golfer ever. He's been divorced several times (it was a chapter in his book that made "All my ex's wear Rolex's" famous), he smokes several packs of cigarettes (even in tournaments) per round, and his swing is a miracle of modern physiology. There's no way a man that size should be able to nearly hit the ground with the head of his club on the backswing.

Wikipedia has some great John Daly lines as well:

-Daly does not fly to tournament sites, but instead travels in a personal recreational vehicle. Daly's career has been interrupted from time to time by off-course personal incidents: He recorded an autobiographical album titled My Life, featuring guest performances by Darius Rucker, Willie Nelson, Johnny Lee, and Daron Norwood. He will being doing background vocals on an upcoming Kid Rock album entitled 'Rock And Roll Jesus'.

-Daly once claimed that he drank a fifth of Jack Daniel's every day during the year he was 23 years of age, and the various reported incidents include being removed from a British Airways airplane by airport security for harassing a flight attendant while drunk. He has entered into various alcohol addiction programs, including the Betty Ford Clinic, at least three times, and has experienced three divorces since becoming a professional golfer.

-Despite prodigious consumption of cigarettes and Diet Coke, Daly has never conquered his weight problem; he refused to partake in the British Open Champions Dinner because "You can't get this fat boy into a suit." He has admitted the only reason he does not lift weights is because the health club does not let him smoke there, and he would get sick after he worked out.

-On June 8, 2007, Daly and his wife Sherrie got into a fight at a restaurant in Memphis, Tennessee, site of that week's tour stop, the Stanford St. Jude Championship. Daly claims that later that night his wife attacked him with a steak knife. He showed up for his 2nd round on Friday afternoon with cuts and scrapes across his face. Authorities were contacted by him and came to his house, but his wife had already fled the scene and taken their children with her.

Everyone needs a role model; JP may have found his.

Wednesday

What in God's name

has gotten into all these abstinence nuts?
When Jami Waite graduated from high school this year in this northeastern Texas town, her parents sat damp-eyed in the metal bleachers of Bobcat Stadium, proud in every way possible. Their youngest daughter was leaving childhood an honor graduate, a band member, a true friend, a head cheerleader — and a steadfast virgin.

Maybe it's a sign of our society's total lack of self-control that the controlling adults believe the only way for the youth not to get drawn into temptation is to make a steadfast decision that "no, I will never do this."

JP really hates that kind of attitude. Repression is the mother of disastrous binge-style freedom. As we all grow up, the rules fade away. Quoth David Sedaris:
When I was young, we weren't allowed to say "shut up," but by the time [his brother] Paul reached his teens, it had become acceptable to shout, "Shut your motherfucking mouth." The drug laws had changed as well. "No smoking pot" became "No smoking pot in the house," before it finally petered out to "Please don't smoke any pot in the living room."

Most people reading this probably encountered the sheltered bombshells at their undergraduate institutions: The kid who starts fall semester saying he'll never drink and finishes it in the back of an ambulance on the way to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, for example. Rules for the sake of rules make you resent them; experience for the sake of experience at least allows kids to understand why some decisions are good ones (and should be repeated) and why others are bad ones (and should be avoided).

Example: When JP was growing up, he had a bedtime until he started high school. I don't remember when it was or why I didn't fight it to the death, but it was always there: I grew up going to sleep because there was a rule saying I had to. Now, JP has awful sleeping habits and trouble convincing himself that it is, in fact, time to go to bed. Why? I think it's because I never properly learned that you go to bed early because you don't want to be tired tomorrow: I learned to consider bedtime as an artificial rule, and now I break it constantly. Congratulations, me.

So, I guess I'm saying that strict abstinence isn't going to allow kids to develop a healthy relationship with sex. I'm not saying we should encourage every high schooler to be a slutbag, but, if you're dating someone for a year or whatever and want to try the horizontal polka, for fuck's sake, you should probably do it. If you don't, you'll end up resenting that rule in the future by breaking it in situations that you actually shouldn't.

At least this girl is cuter than the British one. Her choice not to have sex may actually cause her not to; the girl with the ring could choose to be a megahobag and her life would probably be exactly the same (minus one stupid little ring).

Hardest Bar Exam in the Known World


From ATL. Of course, here in Wisconsin, bar exam chit-chat doesn't really flip our flapjacks. Since we're God's country (*cue Chevy commercial*) we do not require your petty human examinations to find us qualified to practice the divine craft. In fact, there are rumors that Wisconsin was formed after God and Walter J. Dickey engaged in intergalactic fisticuffs in the early 70's. When Dickey destroyed God's soul, it fell to earth, and hardened into what we now call Wisconsin.

Guam, however, must be what springs up when God's able to spill Walter's soul. Now we know why the lawyers aren't good enough.

Michael Vick & The Funnies

Michael Vick got indicted today on federal dog-fighting and conspiracy charges. JP could care less.

Witty commentators on hot sports blog Deadspin? JP's there:

"At least he can still count on Len Pastabelly as a character witness. That guy will do anything for snausages."

"So did he kill any with his arm? or could he only beat them with his feet?"

"just goes to show you how racist the media is. brett favre has been running underground kitten fights for years and no one seems to care."

"I can't wait to see how much Vick goes for in our auction draft this year. And which poor sap says, 'Joey Harrington, one dollar.'"

Harry Potter 7

JP has obtained a Harry Potter VII spoiler copy and is approximately 230 pages through. It's the one CNN.com noted here: Some dude took digital pictures from the book and posted them on torrent sites.

The normally-sacrosanct-as-a-freshly-carved-gavel JP had some misgivings both about downloading the book and about telling people he did it. I read the first six Harry Potter books the summer before entering the path of the just and righteous at JPSLS, right after the sixth came out, by borrowing them from a friend. JP loved him some HP. I even dressed up as Hawwy Pawtah for Halloween last year: I learned that the "Get me a beer" spell succumbs to the law of diminishing returns.

I had plans on going out and buying the book the day (not the night) it came out and reading it with everyone else. But.

(1) It was easy to find and download. Only about 72MB and the pages, once you adjust the brightness a bit, are very readable. My buddy from undergrad told me where to get it, it was there, took a few minutes, and I was off.

(2) I'm going to Chicago this weekend to visit the another buddy from undergrad, and I really didn't want to hear somehow over the weekend how the book ends. As I've read HP7 info online for the last two years, I've secretly been afraid Rowling would croak before getting 7 out. The way she creates worlds is amazing, and anyone who still considers the Harry Potter series to somehow be below them intellectually couldn't be more wrong. Literature isn't about using big words; it's about creating rich worlds. I've never read anyone (JP majored in English as an undergrad) who does that as well as JK. I would have been very disappointed if 7 was spoiled.

(3) I don't own any of the first six books, and so I'd really rather wait for the box set to come out in a year or two and get them all at the same time. I have no problem paying Rowling to read her books; I just didn't see a real need to end up with two copies of 7. I will definitely read them all again in a few years, straight through one to seven.

What's wrong with the British these days?

Fighting to wear a pledge of your virginity around your finger to school? The JP's generally so tuckered out that he won't even fight to keep his pants on.

But that's neither here nor there: This whole situation would remind me eerily of Reese Witherspoon's character from Cruel Intentions if young Lydia Playfoot was a little hotter.

Tuesday

Do the Dems Really Intend to

pull an "all-nighter" on Iraq? I don't know who they're trying to fool, but JP knows what it means when you have to stay up all night to get something done from many such an experience in the hallowed halls of JPSLS: unprepared.

Sauce

JP had a delicious beer-tasting afternoon on Saturday with his colleagues Dr. Hubert J. Nugz and the O-Dog. Among the selections were Rogue's Shakespeare Stout and Dead Guy Ale, Central Waters' Bourbon Barrel Stout, Dale's Pale Ale, Left Hand's Milk Stout, and Samuel Smith's Imperial Stout. The most impressive was the Bourbon Barrel Stout: O-Dog said it smelled like vanilla, but that was just the bourbon barrels speaking. It was really thick and delicious. The Shakespeare Stout was probably next.

Just for kicks, I picked up a sixer of Left Hand Sawtooth Ale the next day, and it's really good too. Left Hand is a great brewery in Colorado with a super cool all-flash website.

No big wigs in the UK

In case you haven't heard, there is some sad news in the UK: judges are no longer going to wear wigs during civil cases. (I suspect that criminal trials would be too serious without them.) Apparently they're expensive and uncomfortable, but I think the Brits should have kept the wigs. Tradition is one thing. Hilarity is another. That's two reasons.

If I didn't have such a spectacular mane of my own, I'd try to reinstate them here. After all, you sometimes have to think: it's 1787--and then ask yourself: what would William Cushing do?

Molotov Cocktails on Trial

... to see if they can burn the whole courthouse down. Another gem coming out of the Seventh Circuit today involves John Ewing, a man who's a few stouts short of a six-pack, and his attempt to murder the judge who wouldn't enforce his $25 million consent decree. Maybe because it wasn't a consent decree: It was summary judgment against him. I love Ewing's no-lose attitude.
Ewing has a history of paranoid schizophrenia dating back at least twenty years. During that time, he has intermittently taken medication and resided at various mental health facilities. A recurring symptom of his mental illness is a delusion that society is engaged in an elaborate conspiracy to read his thoughts through the aid of supercomputers. Ewing also persists in believing he was awarded a $25 million judgment by consent decree in a slip-and-fall civil lawsuit he filed in 1988 against a grocery store in Champaign, Illinois. In reality, that lawsuit was dismissed on summary judgment by Judge George Miller of the Champaign County Circuit Court. After numerous unsuccessful written attempts to convince Judge Miller that he was owed $25 million, Ewing decided to attack the judge with a Molotov cocktail. At the time Ewing was living in a nonrestrictive mental health community in Peoria and was off his medication. On April 8, 1997, Ewing traveled by bus to Champaign. Once he arrived, he purchased and filled a gas can at a gas station near the Champaign County courthouse, then purchased a 40-ounce bottle of malt liquor from a nearby liquor store and a knife from a local pawn shop. He next checked into a motel, where he used these materials to prepare a Molotov cocktail. From there he walked to the courthouse, entered Judge Miller’s courtroom with a hood up around his face, threw the device at the judge, and fled. Judge Miller ducked to avoid the firebomb, sustaining a head laceration. The incendiary device fell at the foot of the judge’s bench, the bench caught fire, and the courtroom was engulfed in flames. At the time of the attack, Judge Miller was presiding over a civil trial. The jurors, litigants, and courtroom personnel escaped the burning courtroom in a panic; no one was seriously injured. Firefighters responded and suppressed the fire, but everything in the courtroom was destroyed.

Of course, Ewing's going to jail for awhile. How does that song about fighting the law go again? The real tragedy is what must have happened to the malt liquor in the 40 the dude made his Molotov out of: You don't really think he firebombed the courthouse drunk do you?

Same-sex employee-on-employee sexual harrassment

Bernier v. Morningstar, Inc. just came down today in the Seventh Circuit. The court found that where the employer didn't know about the employee-on-employee same-sex sexual harassment, there's no liability.

But, fortunately for the rest of us, they had to recite a wonderfully awkward set of facts to reach that conclusion:
Bernier alleges that in January 2003, Davis (a mutual fund analyst) started staring at him whenever the two passed in the hallway or when Davis was near Bernier's work area. Bernier experienced increasing discomfort with Davis's behavior. About a year later, on Friday, January 23, 2004, Bernier noticed Davis taking "an overt, purposeful, and glaring look" at Bernier's penis while they were both standing at the urinals in the men's bathroom on their floor. Bernier knew that Davis was gay . . . but he was not aware until this litigation commenced that Davis had a "lazy" left eye that sometimes made it appear that he was "looking off at something" when conversing.

If you've never plead the lazy eye affirmative defense, you're not a true lawyer.

Moral hazard

One of the problems with insurance is the moral hazard. If someone else pays for your car to get fixed, aren't you more likely to wreck it? Wikipedia (in an article citing to Tom Baker, the author of my pimpin' insurance law casebook from last semester) defines moral hazard as "the name given to the increased risk of problematic (immoral) behavior, and thus a negative outcome ('hazard'), because the person who caused the problem doesn't suffer the full (or any) consequences, or may actually benefit." Car insurance increases car accident rates due to the moral hazard.

So what do we think about Catholic Churches that can buy insurance against sex abuse suits?
From Slate: "Since the spike in sex-abuse lawsuits in the mid-1980s, churches have also had the option to take out extra liability policies for damages related to sexual misconduct."

The JP, wanting to diligently keep diddling priests away from young children around the nation (the world!), is a little surprised that this type of insurance isn't against public policy. It violates public policy in California to sell insurance that covers intentional torts, for example. Both California and Kansas make it illegal to insure against punitive damages for the same reason. These are types of liability over which the insured has nearly-unlimited control (the insurance company would have to prove intentionality to deny coverage) and so we want the person in control to be motivated to make good decisions.

How about we stop allowing churches to hand over $227 million worth of damages over to their insurer and just bankrupt them if they abuse too many children? If it were any other business, that's how it'd go, and this is a particularly hard place for the church to get holier-than-thou.

It'd be a lot of fun to be a judge

There was some sissy legal hullabaloo last week about the judge last week who led off his dissent with "I concede that this short opinion of mine does not consider or take into account the majority opinion. So I should disclose at the outset that I have not read it."

Hey, you and me both buddy. It would be hypocritical of any student to decry Jacobs for not reading one mf opinion, right? But still, when we omit reading assignments, we sit in the back and hope to baby Jebus that our ignorance doesn't become the new subject of class discussion. To say: I dissent from your opinion, and I don't even know what you said, is a pretty $$$ way to lead off.

It really does get better though. The case was about college students who were pissed because many years ago at their institution an election was run and re-run, because the college president found out that somehow the student newspaper was commandeered and that messed up the election. What Jacobs wrote after his line about not reading the majority opinion is even better:
This is a case about nothing. Injunctive relief from the school’s election rules is now moot (if it was ever viable); and plaintiffs’ counsel conceded at oral argument that the only relief sought in this litigation is nominal damages. Now, after years of litigation over two dollars, the majority will impose on a busy judge to conduct a trial on this silly thing, and require a panel of jurors to set aside their more important duties of family and business in order to decide it. See Amato v. City of Saratoga Springs, 170 F.3d 311, 322-23 (2d Cir. 1999) (Jacobs, J., concurring) (noting that a trial over one dollar is a “wasteful imposition on the trial judge and on the taxpayers and veniremen”).

With due respect to my colleagues in the majority, and to whatever compulsion they feel to expend substantial energies on this case, I fear that the majority opinion (44 pages of typescript) will only feed the plaintiffs’ fantasy of oppression: that plutocrats are trying to stifle an upsurge of Pol-Potism on Staten Island. Contrary to the impression created by the majority’s lengthy formal opinion, this case is not a cause célèbre; it is a slow-motion tantrum by children spending their graduate years trying to humiliate the school that conferred on them a costly education from which they evidently derived small benefit. A selection from the illiterate piffle in the disputed issue of the College Voice is set out in the margin for the reader’s fun.

Basically, Jacobs ordered a whole fleet of whambulances for the plaintiffs, which should probably be the disposition of more cases these days.

Under Pressure

We here on the Court are big fans of booze. Connoisseurs, one could even say. Part of what makes us such a fair and effective deliberative body is the fact that we are willing to explore and be adventurous with our libations. If you took out the recycling after a SCOTUS hoe-down, you would find a delightful and interesting variety of empty receptacales. We like to experiment, and that is OK. Or so I thought.

Now, this guy is telling me that I am going to be immediately judged, and perhaps discounted and rejected by others, based on my cocktail order. I personally find his science to be somewhat faulty, and the last thing I need is to have one more thing to worry about on a date.

(Not that ol' CT has had a date in recent memory, but when that day comes - and it will, right soon - I do not want to waste a single moment trying to analyze what conclusions about my character my date will reach based on my drink order)

Isn't it enough that I spend most of my life striving for truth and justice? Valiantly protecting the original intentions of our founding fathers against crazy progressives that somehow think Jefferson and Adams didn't know EXACTLY the kinds of issues that would face the nation 200 years down the road? Must I also be forced to defend my choice to order a lemon meringue-a-tini if that's what I'm in the mood for!?

On a side note, I take issue with his characterization of people who order Screwdrivers as "original thinkers". WTF? What the heck is original about a freakin' Screwdriver? That is something I would have ordered when I was about 17 and didn't want to seem indecisive in a bar, lest they discover my underage status, so I just went with the first thing I could think of. But I digress...

The point I am making is, anyone that makes sweeping generalizations about a person based merely on what particular variety of drink they may decide to order at any given time is a total douchebag.

Unless, of course, the person making those sweeping generalizations is a member of the Court. In which case, it is totally acceptable. Judging people is our job, after all.

Monday

Show me the gruesome

We're usually not big on the gory over at SCOTUS: In fact, if a Freddy Kruger movie were ever appealed to us, I feel comfortable that the final disposition would be cert denied.

But, this issue is close enough to home that we're posting it anyways. Wisconsin State Senator Dave Hansen (D-30th) ran over his one year-old granddaughter with his car this morning. Our attention was piqued when well-known doofus Frank Lasee offered his condolences to Senator Hansen.

Applying law in action just like Howie told me to, I have a feeling this one was an accident: There are much better, and less messy, ways to kill off your toddler granddaughter if you really want to. Plus, Sen. Hansen doesn't seem to be linked to Lasee in any way other then geography, which gives him credibility through disassociation.

Middleton best place to live?

You better believe it. According to Money magazine, Middleton, WI, is the best place to live of cities with between 7,500 and 50,000 people. Money focused its judging rubric on Middleton's small-town charm, booming economy, and extensive parks and bike trials.

The Capital Times managed to quite awkwardly try to minimize the impact of the several negatives in Middleton:
The only negatives mentioned for Middleton were a lack of ethnic diversity and its long, cold winters. But even that doesn't stop hardy Wisconsinites from having a good time.

No, the lack of diversity has not stopped those hardy (to the winters or to integration?) Wisconsinites from rocking out.

Friday

A little Billy Collins?

Billy Collins is the preeminent poet in the US these days. He was poet laureate of the US from 2001-2003 (and was replaced by Ted Kooser, who's good fun as well) and writes simply about things people can actually, gasp, relate to. I know, practical thought and poetry usually go together about as well as Ant and a tree hugger circumnavigating the world together in a Cessna without deodorant, but I find Collins often writes on things I've thought about before. I was reading Picnic, Lightning last night and came across Marginalia, a poem about writing things in the margins of reading paper. I'm an unconventional margin-writer (I range from "Oh no you didn't!" to "Shut up" to arrows connecting sections of text that I think should be connected by something more textual than arrows) and I thought this poem codified some of the more interesting margin-thoughts:

Marginalia

Sometimes the notes are ferocious,
skirmishes against the author
raging along the borders of every page
in tiny black script.
If I could just get my hands on you,
Kierkegaard, or Conor Cruise O'Brien,
they seem to say,
I would bolt the door and beat some logic into your head.

Other comments are more offhand, dismissive -
"Nonsense." "Please!" "HA!!" -
that kind of thing.
I remember once looking up from my reading,
my thumb as a bookmark,
trying to imagine what the person must look like
why wrote "Don't be a ninny"
alongside a paragraph in The Life of Emily Dickinson.

Students are more modest
needing to leave only their splayed footprints
along the shore of the page.
One scrawls "Metaphor" next to a stanza of Eliot's.
Another notes the presence of "Irony"
fifty times outside the paragraphs of A Modest Proposal.

Or they are fans who cheer from the empty bleachers,
Hands cupped around their mouths.
"Absolutely," they shout
to Duns Scotus and James Baldwin.
"Yes." "Bull's-eye." "My man!"
Check marks, asterisks, and exclamation points
rain down along the sidelines.

And if you have managed to graduate from college
without ever having written "Man vs. Nature"
in a margin, perhaps now
is the time to take one step forward.

We have all seized the white perimeter as our own
and reached for a pen if only to show
we did not just laze in an armchair turning pages;
we pressed a thought into the wayside,
planted an impression along the verge.

Even Irish monks in their cold scriptoria
jotted along the borders of the Gospels
brief asides about the pains of copying,
a bird signing near their window,
or the sunlight that illuminated their page-
anonymous men catching a ride into the future
on a vessel more lasting than themselves.

And you have not read Joshua Reynolds,
they say, until you have read him
enwreathed with Blake's furious scribbling.

Yet the one I think of most often,
the one that dangles from me like a locket,
was written in the copy of Catcher in the Rye
I borrowed from the local library
one slow, hot summer.
I was just beginning high school then,
reading books on a davenport in my parents' living room,
and I cannot tell you
how vastly my loneliness was deepened,
how poignant and amplified the world before me seemed,
when I found on one page

A few greasy looking smears
and next to them, written in soft pencil-
by a beautiful girl, I could tell,
whom I would never meet-
"Pardon the egg salad stains, but I'm in love."

That looks so familiar...




The NYTimes did a story about the part of Michigan JP just excursioned to via sailboat. My two colleagues and I spent a night at South Manitou Island and three nights in Leland (fishtown!). Idyllic places.

Thursday

Mr. McDade, here is your asshole on a platter


From Above the Law (I don't know that anything else needs to be said... David McDade is a county DA).

Yummy Buffet

Lunch today was at Madison's fine Chinese dining establishment the Yummy Buffet with Senor Horseinator and Dr. Nugz. It's our third or fourth trip there, so we know what to expect: $6 for all the Chinese food we can scarf down. You have to leave room for the Chinese doughnuts, too, because those things are $$$.

There were some highlights: We observed a gay guy who was trapped in the 80's, all the way down to the mullet and teal polo shirt tucked into jean shorts; There was a woman about to give an interview in front of a camera who definitely had more of a radio face (Dr. Nugz pointed out that he never knew the camera could add ten pounds merely by standing next to it); We also saw three French people eating at the YB. I have a feeling their French/English dictionary probably did not help them pick a quality restaurant.

I'd write more but I've had the runs ever since I ate my first plate at the YB (I actually had to use the little boy's room before I left), so I'm gonna hunker down in the stall in the office for a while. That place is like WD-40 for my bowels. You guys keep it real.

PIMBY



Even though property is a five-credit class that every second-semester law student at JP's prestigious law school must take, there is only one rule for the whole semester (unless you have a TA, in which case there are no rules, or lots of rules, or one rule that nobody knows any of the rules, TA included, so even rule-status is totally rule-less): NIMBY. People don't want bad shit in their backyard.

However, there's a proposal to build a huge park in Madison near JP's apartment. In honor of that wonderful idea, I'm creating PIMBY (Please, In My BackYard) theory. I want Madison's central park to be located right near East Baldwin where that picture's taken, and I want there to be all sorts of sweet stuff going on IMBY.

Causation

After reading this article about Hybrids on Slate, the JP was a little distressed by some causation problems in the argument.

The title is "Is our family annoying because we own a Prius?" I firmly believe that no, your family is annoying because you're a bunch of hippie d-bags. You also bought the Prius because you're a bunch of hippie d-bags. So we have one cause (being hippie d-bags) and two effects (sucking and owning a hybrid).

Oh oh oh! I can hear the chorus of smelly-ass tree huggers now: Only hippie d-bags buy Prius'? Yes. Or at least 57% percent of them.
According to a marketing survey (which the Times ran in a graphic I couldn't hide from), more buyers bought the Prius this year because it "makes a statement about me" (57 percent) than because of its better gas mileage (36 percent) or lower carbon dioxide emissions (25 percent) or new technology (7 percent).

57% of Prius owners bought the damn car because it makes a statement about them. What statement? That you're a hippie d-bag. QED.

There is a subtitle that I would like to quickly address as well: "Is my hybrid turning my kids into eco-snobs?" Anyone see where this is going? Your hybrid isn't turning your kids into anything. It's, gasp, YOU! YOU are turning your kids into hippie d-bag eco-snobs and you have to go as far as writing an article on Slate to rationalize your total demolition of your children's social future (which, I assume, some observation and a little forecasting recently made clear to you was the case) and blame it on your car.

This message was brought to you by JP's recently-acquired distaste for environmental law.

Case of the week


I originally thought about making this the case of the day, but then I finished the article, and I think it's COTW worthy.

In New Tampa, Florida, they have a nice little Little League. However, as is the zeitgeist, unruly parents muddling up the games with their yelling has been an issue. So they assigned "directors" to be at the games to politely ask any non-politely behaving "adults" to leave the field.

Fred Grady is a partner at Holland & Knight in Tampa dealing primarily with construction law and, self-proclaiming, sports law (and, judging from the picture and the upcoming story, he seems to get his hands deep into douchebag law as well). Well, one day Fred allegedly knocked his own kid in the head with a water bottle and was caught by the on-duty director Linda Harrell. She asked him to leave the premises, and, after a brief appeal to another director, Grady put his tail between his legs and peaced out.

And now he's suing for defamation. He claims Harrell humiliated him in front of fellow parents and clients (?!) and wants money from the Little League to make him whole.

The league president is not amused:
"We have over 1,000 children in our league where our goal is to build self-esteem, character and strong citizenship," Wooden said. "I guess we should have added Fred to the list of children."

She is siding with Harrell, who Wooden says had no choice but to act quickly. Wooden says she wishes Grady were more concerned with the children and less about himself.

"If Fred wants to use his firm and his power and put pressure on New Tampa Little League, so be it," Wooden said. "It's just annoying with all the things I need to deal with. ... Come to me if it has something to do with the kids, to make this park better."

The JP had a not-too-dissimilar incident a few weeks ago in a soccer game that resulted in a red card for language (you think those dissents were strong, you should see me cuss out an improper arbiter), and while it's totally ok (and often quite fun) to humiliate someone who makes bad decisions at a sporting event, even this litigator stops a step short of suing the league.

By the way Holland & Knight, this is really shitty press for you guys.

Parking spots that cost more than the house

For serious. There are people who will pay $225,000 for a parking spot. Of course, these people are also paying $2.2 million for a 2 bedroom condo. It works out to $1,500/square foot for the parking spot and $1,281/square foot for the condo itself. These numbers do seem a big outrageous to us Midwesterners, perhaps because the exchange rate between NYC and Wisconsin is about 2:1 ($2 in NYC is worth $1 in Wisconsin).

You'll be glad to hear that SCOTUS has sent an emissary, Clarince T, to the dreaded pits of NYC to see if he comes back alive, and, if yes, to report on the crazy conditions there. Then, we'll all sit around drinking some traditional Wisconsin beverages and discuss whether or not to move the court there. The Big T has been feeling a little cooped-up since the 5-4 decision (right before Sammy and Robby) to move SCOTUS to Wisconsin (Ant's dissent was an itemized bill for his moving expenses; what a piece of shit!), and he's trying to convince us that there's proverbial gold in them there smog clouds. The JP is not budging.

Child Stars turning 18 is a big deal?

I hadn't really thought about it until I read this article about Daniel Radcliffe, aka Hawwy Pawtah, who turns 18 later this month and is dismissive of accounts that he's about to go wild and crazy. JP doesn't really know how kids go wild these days, but I figure he's going to celebrate his newly-realized ability to legally contract and sign a whole bunch of deals?

Wednesday

The Surgeon General Mess

Basically, Bush's former surgeon general Richard Carmona says that he got a lot of orders from the White House. The NYTimes article contains a $$$ quote:
"And administration officials even discouraged him from attending the Special Olympics because, he said, of that charitable organization’s longtime ties to a “prominent family” that he refused to name.

“I was specifically told by a senior person, ‘Why would you want to help those people?’ ” Dr. Carmona said."

Why would you want to help the Special Olympics athletes (who don't like to be called Special Olympians)? I'm with Cartman here: "You guys, I can't believe they exploit handicapped people like this. I mean, making them compete against each other just for our amusement."

Olympics Registration Volunteer: Hello there.
Cartman's Mom: Hello. Um, I would like to sign my son up, please.
Cartman: (acting retarded) DUUUUUUH!
Olympics Registration Volunteer: Oh,great! What's his name?
Cartman's Mom: Eric...Cartman
Cartman: (acting retarded) CAAAARTMAN! DUUUUH!
Olympics Registration Volunteer: Okay, age?
Cartman's Mom: He's 9.
Olympics Registration Volunteer: Okay, and what's his disability?
Cartman's Mom: Um, he's retarded.
Olympics Registration Volunteer: No, I'm asking what specific condition he has. Downs Syndrome, celebral palsy?
Cartman's Mom: Oh, oh! Um, I'm not sure. Sweetie, what's your condition?
Cartman: (in his normal voice) How should I know? I'm retarded. (Acting retarded again) DUUUH!
Olympics Registration Volunteer: I'll just leave that blank for now.

Cosi

The honorable JP enjoyed lunch at Cosi today with his co-clerk Senor Horseinator. I'd only been there once before and wasn't a big fan, because I thought it was too expensive, too small-portioned and a bit haughty for my down-to-earth tastes. The first two flaws are killer: If I feel like I'm paying too much money to eat too little food, I probably won't be back for at least eight months, if ever.

This trip was a little better, but I don't know that I'll ever go back. The sandwiches are too dry for me, and the bread they go on and on about seems to me to be perpetually a little stale. They give you a choice between potato chips and baby carrots for sides, which, as my colleague pointed out, was one of the sillier questions he'd been asked in his life. They're trying to seem natural and organic and shit, but I personally just wish they'd give me more food.

The one real upside to Cosi? Apparently it appeals to attractive women. The JP saw him some fine, fine tail over the lunch hour, and, like I always go to Thursday Ladies' Night at the dive to examine the scenery, I may have to return to Cosi in search of my future wife. Although, to be fair, it seems to attract a fairly high-maintenance crowd, and since that's not really my style, maybe I should target the girl who loves her some Chipotle. In the restaurant world, Chipotle is Zeus, Jupiter, He-Man and Captain Statute all rolled into one big ball of deliciousness. If I'm ever caught referring to the Holy Grail of Sustenance, you'll know which burrito I'm talkin' about.

Tuesday

A Lone Minority

Check out the school diversity stats here and tell me who you think the token student is.

The Anti-Fun Pill

The pharmaceutical community has really done it now. Their pill designed to help people quit smoking may also make drinking less rewarding. JP can't wait for the pill that makes cleaning the house and doing the laundry feel like extended tantric sex experiences. Or, better yet, instead of the 20th century obsession with actually playing sports, you can just pop a pill, sit on your couch, and feel like you're on the mound in the bottom of the ninth for your favorite team. Are the drug companies starting to encroach on the video game companies?

Sprinter with two amputated legs?


It's for serious. Oscar Pistorious runs on Cheetah (tm) blades, has broken the 100, 200 and 400 Paralympic records, and Sunday is now going to run against the best four-appendaged sprinters in the world.

JP usually doesn't get too excited about disabled athletes, but the amazing part about this guy is his personal best time: 46.56 seconds for 400 meters. If you don't know much about track, that's hauling some serious tail. The school record at the small Division III undergraduate institution JP calls his alma mater is 48.34, nearly two full seconds behind the dude with no legs. The UW Badger school record is 45.63, and Pistorious' time would put him sixth on the all-time UW list. Pretty amazing.

Sushi

JPS took a nice lunch at Wasabi today with colleagues Hubert J. Nugz and ODog. Prompted by AKen's sheepish email about this article on sushi, the JP became hungry and started craving him some fatty-ass fish. As Hubert points out, the sushi will not eat itself. Also, the hot waitress in the short skirt will not stare at herself: Good thing we were there.

When I drink alone

I prefer to be by myself. The Onion is apparently mocking the idea of the one person, one six-pack "party". They obviously weren't in JPS' house this weekend while his roommate was out of town. It was like the conflation of Risky Business and White Men Can't Jump, if each of those movies only had one actor, and it was the great JPS, and he was wasted.

Above the Law

If you've never checked out Above the Law, it's worth a few seconds of your work-time wasting. Basically, it's a self-described legal tabloid with a great technique for digging up dirt. They hear about a story, post it on their site, and ask anyone who reads it and has ever known any of the story's actors to write in and tell them all sorts of bad shit about the person in question. Since the legal world is relatively small and incestuous (except at Wisconsin, where lawcest is strongly discouraged (most of the time)), they normally get all sorts of great stuff on people getting trashed already in the media.

Meet Peter Barta. A Legal Aid defense lawyer, Barta placed cameras hidden in desk clocks on female co-workers' desks and downloaded the stream at nights in hope, allegedly, of catching them changing clothes. The story broke in New York's Daily News and Post, but under the constraints of decent journalism, they were unable to print the really nasty stuff people say about this dude.

Enter ATL. In just a few days, they have a veritable feast of hysterically mean things people told them about Mr. Barta, including his pick-up lines, high school debating history, and place of residency (with mom). JP, ever clean and sacrosanct as a freshly-carved gavel, does get a kick out of watching other people get totally punk'd on the net.

Not the trees!

They're taking down six more trees around Capital square to make room for a wider sidewalk. All in all, about thirty trees are cut down and fifty-six will be replanted.

Of course, since this is Madison, the tree huggers are coming out of the woodwork complaining about the lack of attention they receive without these particular trees to hug.
Ledell Zellers, president of Capitol Neighborhoods Inc., said downtown residents, in particular, are not happy with what they see as the cavalier treatment of trees by governmental entities and developers.

"There sure is a lot of frustration out there," she said.

Zellers said the trees on the Square provided beauty and shade.

"We won't see ones that size in our lifetime," she said.

Yup, Zellers will never see trees that size in her lifetime...

Why aren't people up in arms when large buildings are destroyed? Can you really say that a tree is more natural than a building? Humans are natural, humans make buildings, therefore buildings are natural. Quoth the honorable Dr. Hubert J. Nugz, are you going to say a tangerine is less natural than a lemon or an orange?

Jury duty

Ever since I was appointed to the Supreme Court in 1975, non-lawyer friends of mine have been asking me about jury duty. Do I have to go? How do I get out of it? Why is Judge Shabaz falling asleep? I tell them yes, you have to go, but if you really don't want to serve, you'll get a chance to answer a few questions to convince one lawyer or the other that you're not the dude/dudette for the part.

This guy didn't get the memo:
"You say on your form that you're not a fan of homosexuals," Nickerson said.

"That I'm a racist," Ellis interrupted.

"I'm frequently found to be a liar, too. I can't really help it," Ellis added.

"I'm sorry?" Nickerson said.

"I said I'm frequently found to be a liar," Ellis replied.

"So, are you lying to me now?" Nickerson asked.

"Well, I don't know. I might be," was the response.

Ellis then admitted he really didn't want to serve on a jury.

"I have the distinct impression that you're intentionally trying to avoid jury service," Nickerson said.

"That's true," Ellis answered.

Nickerson ordered Ellis taken into custody. He was released later Monday morning.

Ellis could face perjury and other charges.

I didn't think you could get a perjury charge at jury duty. For one, that appears to be a blatant overuse of the word 'jury'; second, what should the dude who's actually a racist homophobe have said? The judge probably saw this guy being a snarkface and threw the book at him, but what if a judge just didn't credit your intense homophobia or racism? Can a juror perjure de jure?

Monday

Nolan found?

In Oregon, WI? Looks like the cops had a whole lot more information than the rest of us: "Monday morning, police had focused their search for Nolan on a 3-square-mile area immediately north of the village of Oregon, just off Highway 14. DeSpain said that he was not aware of any specific suspects in Nolan’s disappearance and that the area was one of several areas identified during the investigation as worth searching."

Impossible to know what to make of it, although I think making light of the fact that she was out drinking beforehand gives rise to the inference that she somehow brought it upon herself. The ol' JP has done more than his fair share of stupid ass shit when wasted, but I do think basic instincts can withstand even a serious alcoholic barrage. It also becomes an opportune time to commit a violent crime on someone, since not only will their reflexes be a little down, they will also be considered contributorily negligent, in a way, for anything that happens to them. Let the drinkers drink, the criminals crime, and the cops keep a tight patrol on BB Clarke between the hours of 11pm-2am: That's been a hotbed of illegal raft-diving activity in the past few weeks.

A quote I remembered while spacing out for an hour after lunch


Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah.

Bob Slydell: Great.

Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.

Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?

Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work. IMDB

A Cookie Pickle

As should be evident, I love cookies. I like them for breakfast, after lunch or with coffee before oral arguments. Since moving to town two years ago, I have been looking for the perfect cookie. The cookie should be: fresh (preferably baked on-site), chewy if appropriate to the cookie type, cheap, and unassuming. Nothing is worse than a cookie that takes itself too seriously.

A summary of the search:
Espresso Royale - Plus: Camp. Minus: Expensive and never chewy.
Einstein Bros - Plus: Chewy. Minus: Pretentious, produced and shipped in bulk.
Potbelly's - Plus: Chewy, taste pretty good. Minus: Still a chain. Baking site unclear.
Sunroom - Plus: Sold from the same counter as other food which is delicious. Minus: Hard and gross. Especially the orange ones dipped in chocolate.
Electric Earth - Plus: A wide variety of interesting and crazy people always nearby--will share cookies. Minus: Suspiciously healthy tasting.
Kitchen Hearth - Plus: Ok. Minus: Too big and too sweet. Bigness leads to awkward crunchy:chewy ratio.
Steep N Brew - Plus: Sometimes really good peanut butters. Minus: Sugary, and hit or miss. Everything else is gross.

One sunny autumn day, an unlikely hero entered the scene. Fuddruckers. You may think of it as an overpriced, vegetarian-unfriendly hamburger chain, and it is, but none of those drawbacks seem to affect their kitschy cookie-making skillz. Try, for example:
Chocolate-drizzled macaroons: Baked to a golden brown but still chewy on the inside.
Chocolate chunk cookies: Not chips, but dark chunks of chocolate in a rich, chewy cookie that is never quite circular.
Sugar cookies: My favorite. They could easily have been made by your youngest cousin from an old and foolproof family recipe. And then he frosted them. Not iced, frosted.

Best of all, you can get three cookies for just over a dollar.

Earlier this summer, I was making an afternoon coffee run and decided to stop by Fuddruckers. Blissful with anticipation, I pulled on the door. It wouldn't open. Frowning, I pulled harder. A homeless man at the bus stop starting laughing maniacally, like the clown who had been standing next to Pee Wee's bike when it was stolen. "Wahahaha! You got punked! Hahahaha!"

Alas, my dollar once a week had failed to keep Fuddruckers afloat. This is such a sad story I can't stand to reread it to check for proper hyphenation of adjectives. Let me know if you find a delicious cookie within walking distance of my office.

And on the third day, God created the IRS

so lawyers would always have big paychecks. Have you ever tried to work with their site to get simple instructions on simple procedures? Since the Supreme Court is in recess and JP thrives off the fruits of justice, I'm clerking in a small office for the summer, and they asked me to look up a retirement account question. Not a question like "does space 66b in form 492 require you to take into account space 12 in form 5000?", just "how do you end one?" Is there a simple answer?

No. In fact, its been recommended to me several times to consult an attorney. After consulting myself extensively, I still have no answer, and the guy around the corner thinks I'm a total nutjob. JPS has never claimed to be an expert in matters taxable, but for crying out loud, would simple explanations useful for someone who slept through T&E be that hard to make? As soon as I get my clerks for OT 2007, I will take over the world *evil laughter, hands next to each other touching fingertips quickly consecutively*.

Bank Robbery Exam Question

Does the following behavior satisfy the "force, violence or intimidation" requirement of 18 U.S.C. 2113(a)? In your response, include a description of how a reasonable bank teller would feel.

Robber Disguised As Tree Hits N. H. Bank
(CBS) MANCHESTER, N.H. Leaf it to New Hampshire, where a bank branch was held up by a man disguised as a tree. Just as the Citizen Bank branch [ha!] opened Saturday morning, a man walked in with branches duct-taped to his head and body, and robbed the place, reports CBS station WBZ-TV in Boston. "He really went out on a limb," police Sgt. Ernie Goodno said Sunday. He did not show a weapon and he left with an undisclosed amount of cash. Police released surveillance photos of the bizarre robbery. Although the branches and leaves obscured much of the man's face, someone who saw images from the bank's security camera recognized the robber and called police.That anonymous tip led them to 49-year-old James Coldwell of Manchester. He was arrested at his home late Saturday night. Arraignment was not expected until Monday.

http://cbs3.com/national/topstories_story_190080809.html

Pennsylvania takes a page out of France's book and...

shuts down their government? The problem here isn't anarchy, it's partialarchy: Governor Ed Rendell shut down all services not essential to health or safety, so people trying to get, say, a driver's license, are SOL:
Outside one driver's licensing station, University of Pittsburgh student Dandan Hong, 21, found out from security guards that she would have to wait to get her permit -- the office was closed. She had been cramming for the test and leaves on vacation in two days.
"I didn't know about it until I got here," she said. "I don't know how I'm going to get my permit."

If Mr. Rendell's really going to try to be a big man around PA, he has to shut down all governmental functions: If Hong can't get a driver's license, who cares? There aren't any cops for awhile.

I can see my devoted readership (hi Graham!) looking at the JP funny now.

Security Warning

Have you seen the Visa commercial with the woman shopping and she says Visa called her husband because there were suspicious charges on their card from France, but meanwhile, she was shopping up a storm in Paris? I think the marketing department tested this commercial on people who believe in God, or alternatively, Visa. Visa, it turns out, doesn't really care about cardholder security, and they apparently only check on suspicious charges when they're legitimate.

I recently discovered some suspicious charges on my credit card statement from AOL, which may or may not be from another country--Visa told me that there is no way to tell. I called AOL to see what they could be for, as no person should pay them for services every other company provides for free. Anyhow, an account was started with a username kind of like my name, but definitely not by me. This made me worried. They assured me that they would deactivate the account and send me some sort of affidavit in the mail. I called my credit card company to tell them about the scandal, and they said "ok." They only had the name of the vendor and the date of the charge on file.
So I said: can you find out where the charge originated from? Like, was it from another country, because I was traveling during this time and am concerned that someone at the Buenos Aires airport has my credit card number.
Visa: Nope, we can't tell any of that.
Me: Don’t you have some kind of fraud department that deals with unauthorized charges, or oh, I don’t know, stolen identities?
Visa: No, no, you have to call the vendor directly. We can’t do anything.

I am not kidding you. Those commercials are a steamy pile of crap.

So, back to AOL, who reiterated that they are sending me an affidavit so I won’t have to pay the $9.95 I was charged.
Me: I’m not so much concerned about the $9.95, I’m more concerned that someone has stolen my credit card and/or identity, and just want to know where the purchase originated from. Don’t you keep track of purchaser’s IP addresses?
AOL: No. We are sending the affidavit and that’s all we can do.
Me: First of all, you’re an Internet company.
AOL: Yep.
Me: But you can’t tell me where the purchase came from?
AOL: Right.
Me: Can you tell me the phone number listed on my account?
AOL: No. Mumbling somethings about security.
Me: Umm, but it's my account. Are you effin kidding me?
AOL: Nope, not kidding. They literally start yelling about the affidavit.
I hang up.

Scalia is the only person who cares about your security. Don't forget it.

Stanley Fish & Clarince T: Meet Bob Dylan

Stanley Fish is talking about State v. Bong Hits over at NYTSelect. Having read some Fish back in undergrad when JPS fancied himself literary, I was really shocked by Fish's stance (apologies for the long blockquote):
But Justice Clarence Thomas isn’t having any. He concurs with the majority in its holding for Principal Morse, but he rejects the context within which both the majority and the minority make their points. In short, he rejects Tinker and the idea that schoolchildren have any First Amendment rights at all. Why? Because “originally understood, the Constitution does not afford students a right to free speech in public schools.”

***

As do I. If I had a criticism of Thomas, it would be that he does not go far enough. Not only do students not have first amendment rights, they do not have any rights: they don’t have the right to express themselves, or have their opinions considered, or have a voice in the evaluation of their teachers, or have their views of what should happen in the classroom taken into account. (And I intend this as a statement about college students as well as high-school students.)

One reason that students (and many others) have come to believe that they have these rights is a confusion between education and democracy. It is in democratic contexts that people have claims to the rights enumerated in the constitution and other documents at the heart of our political system – the right to free speech, the right to free assembly, the right to determine, by vote, the shape of their futures.

Educational institutions, however, are not democratic contexts (even when the principles of democracy are being taught in them). They are pedagogical contexts and the imperatives that rule them are the imperatives of pedagogy – the mastery of materials and the acquiring of analytical skills. Those imperatives do not recognize the right of free expression or any other right, except the right to competent instruction, that is, the right to be instructed by well-trained, responsible teachers who know their subjects and stick to them and don’t believe that it is their right to pronounce on anything and everything.

What this means is that teachers don’t have First Amendment rights either, at least while they are performing as teachers. Away from school, they have the same rights as anyone else. In school, they are just like their students, bound to the protocols of the enterprise they have joined. That enterprise is not named democracy and what goes on within it – unless it is abuse or harassment or assault – should not rise to the level of constitutional notice or any other notice except the notice of the professional authorities whose job it is to keep the educational machine running smoothly.

UPDATE: I had added commentary, but I don't think it is necessary.

Let's play dress-up!

JP rarely takes an interest in trials (I'm more of an appellate guy, because it sounds like 'spell it') but the Jose Padilla courtroom caught even my decrescendo-ing attention. Padilla's on trial for looking and sounding like a terrorist, while his defense team argues that he's in fact a Muslin liberator around the world... just not in the US.

Luckily, because Mr. Padilla is in the United States, he has a constitutional right to a jury of his peers:
Several times now, the five women and seven men [of the jury] have shown up in color-coordinated outfits. One day, the men dressed in blue and the women in pink. On July 3, the first row wore red, the second white and the third blue, leading bloggers to wonder whether they were worrisomely frivolous or unified — or so patriotic as to condemn all accused terrorists.

If I'm Padilla and the jury shows up in red, white and blue, I move for a mistrial on the grounds that the fact-finders in my case can't dress themselves without consensus...

Sunday

Beerpretiation

Like my esteemed colleague Clarince T, there was a time when the great JPS did not cherish imbibing brewskies. Now I derive all the sustenance I require by consuming the low-hanging fruits beckoning to me from the orchards of justice, but when I was knee-high to the Federal Reporters, my less-judicious friends urged me to partake in this beer. When the Old Style first touched my lips, it felt like a million 5-4 decisions had just gone against me. When I informed my comrades of the foulness of their beverage, they bade me drink another, since beer's chemical structure apparently changes depending on how many you've had. I learned an important lesson that night: Beer drinking accumulates both daily and for a lifetime; nobody loves the taste more than an old wasted chronic drunkard.

I've been on the bench since 1975, and I'd be lying if I told you I'd never snuck some ice cold refreshment into the hallowed courtroom under my robe. Before environmental cases, Kennedy even comes into the locker room with a bottle of scotch and makes all nine justices drink it neat until it's gone. He thinks it's the only way to really enjoy files that arrive at the court in a U-Haul. Me? Give me the PBR all day and all night.

Saturday

Boo hair-cutting vacuum cleaner attachment! Hooray Beer!

I like beer. A lot.

'Twas not always thus, you know. Back when I was a young'n, long before I became the strict contstructionalist powerhouse you have all come to know and admire, I had a shameful secret.

I hated beer.

I hated the smell, the taste, the way it made me feel full and gassy. I would drink it at parties because a) that's usually all there was, b) everyone else was doing it, and c) it was cheap. I would fill my cup at the keg, sip on it for hours, and when no one was looking, sandbag half of it into the bushes. I know, I know. Stone me to death with your scorn if you must, I deserve it.

In college, it was even worse. At college parties, there was generally a plethora of alternative alcohol choices, and I would always have mixed drinks. Problem is, hard liquor generally led me to make extremely poor life choices, primarily in the realm of who I decided to randomly make out with at these parties (and occasionally shamefully wake up with the next morning). Also, when I would go to bars, mixed drinks are always more expensive than beer and I drink them a lot faster. All of these factors led to dire consequences, for my life, liver, and financial solvency.

The year I graduated from college, I said to myself "Self! The time has come to dedicate intensive efforts to cultivation of an appreciation for beer! No more shall I be that freak in the corner furtively sipping on a Smirnoff Ice!"

I threw myself into the task with gusto, starting with tasteless "Lite" beers of the Bud and Miller variety, gradually moving up to local microbrews and international sensations. By the end of the summer, I had gained a deep appreciation for the joys of yeast and hops, and was sporting the beginnings of an impressive beer gut.

Then I moved to a new state that was basically the Disney World of beer. Anyone who reads this blog knows to which state I am referring. I can only imagine the dull and lifeless farce my life in this great state would have been if I had not fortuitously done advance work in Beer Appreciation 101. After 2 years in this state of beery nirvana, I am now a full-blown beer snob, and darn proud of it.

So, here in the aftermath of our Nation's birthday, I raise a glass/bottle/red plastic keg cup to our (unofficial) National Libation. Join me, won't you?

Beware 'The Canned Beer Apocalypse'

Friday

Britney Spears has a new roll

Bungled belated apologizer? No, nothing to do with KFed (thank god I haven't heard that name since he was flipping burgers in a Super Bowl commercial?). Apparently a few months ago Britney hit a photographers car one too many times (perhaps her song was playing at the time?) and felt the need to apologize yesterday. Unfortunately, nobody proofread her statement:

"I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella," Spears said in a statement posted Wednesday on her Web site. "I was preparing my character for a roll (sic) in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part." (stupidity in original).


I need a redeye, a cigarette and a vicodin, stat.

Who needs a legal career?

Who says there aren't any good job prospects out there? I was pretty sure that I was set on a prestigious legal career, but now that I have found out about this job, I am seriously reevaluating my priorities.

Sure, becoming a high-powered wheeler dealer at Biglaw SEEMS like a great and desirable thing, but really, life might be too short to let this new and extremely exciting opportunity pass me by.

Maybe I should tell this guy too. I think he may be losing his job.

Everyone's favorite legal doctrine: Standing!

The 6th Circuit dismissed a suit claiming Bush's domestic spying program is unconstitutional today for lack of standing. The NYTimes doesn't have much:

The 2-1 ruling by the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals panel was not on the legality of the surveillance program, but it vacated a 2006 order by a lower court in Detroit. That court had found the post-911 warrantless surveillance aimed at uncovering terrorist activity to be unconstitutional, violating rights to privacy and free speech and the separation of powers.

The fulltext is here. Standing fails for a lack of injury-in-fact. The opinion reminds me a lot of Lujan v. Defenders of Wildlife, albeit without the snarky Scalia "alas" ("Respondents' other theories are called, alas ..."). There are three theories for injury: (1) We can't make overseas telephone calls because we're afraid the government is listening and it could violate our confidentiality with the other person on the phone; (2) People in other countries won't want to communicate with us; (3) There is a legitimate expectation of privacy in these communications which, if invaded, gives rise to injury-in-fact. The plaintiffs have six causes of action (First Amendment, Fourth Amendment, Separation of Powers, APA, Title III, FISA) and tied the injuries to the claims.

The court was not impressed: "By claiming six causes of action, the plaintiffs have actually engaged in a thinly veiled, though perfectly acceptable, ruse. To call a spade a spade, the plaintiffs only have one claim, namely, breach of privacy, based on a purported violation of the Fourth Amendment or FISA." So, the court redefines the claims, redefines what they consider the injuries to be for the new claims, and, shock of all shocks, finds there's no standing on any of them. It's one of the classic damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't chokehold-like cases: If you've already done the illegal act, you're punished; if you haven't, you don't have standing yet to challenge its constitutionality.

That being said, isn't it easy enough for the ACLU to find someone who's facing prosecution as a result of the surveillance? Maybe the hard part is figuring out if a charge is, or is not, based on information obtained by the wiretapping? Could the executive remove all injury-in-fact by never disclosing how they got the information through some sort of executive privilege?

At least your law firm picture doesn't look like

this guys'.

He's suing their pants off!

Or has his litigation de-pantsed them? The lunacy of it all made them drop trou? If you're sick of hearing about the guy who's seriously trying to get $54 million from a laundromat for mispressing his pants, don't click here.

Thursday

The Onion on ID

Georgia school board bans 'Theory of Math'. This reminds me of an argument my French host brother, age 21 at the time, liked to use to rationalize his mathematical deficiencies (this is a dude who failed the French exam to be a licensed carpenter twice). His theory was that math was totally worthless since someday someone might discover that, throughout history, mathematicians forgot to carry a 1 somewhere, and therefore everyone would have to go back and figure out everything again. I spent a good, oh, fifteen seconds trying to relieve him of the idea that the foundations of mathematics are based in ancient, potentially-faulty arithmetic before I let him continue blissfully playing Gran Turismo 2. Even the close-to-home connection between knowing something about math and not sitting in the house without a job playing video games all day escaped him: I concluded he forgot to carry something.

Nothing spices up dull research like a clever footnote (or 55)

I love, love, love it when I stumble across totally random and utterly hilarious footnotes in judicial opinions. Wild-goose chase research is my least favorite part of my new job working for The Man, so it was delightful to discover that a judge cares enough about me (and others like me) to force his poor clerk to do hours of research digging up a random asstortment of movie quotes to pepper his opinion with.

A few examples:

Text of opinion: "Block-booking, a per se violation of the antitrust laws is an illegal practice [FN21]..."

[FN21] "Damn it all, why is everything we're good at illegal?" Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (20th Century Fox 1969).

Text: "Defendants ask this Court [FN29]..."

[FN29] "There's only one question you should ask yourself: 'Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" Dirty Harry (Warner Brothers 1971).

Text: "Defendant Reid explained that distributors expect [FN32]..."

[FN32] James Bond: "Do you expect me to talk?" Goldfinger: "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die." Goldfinger (GB United Artists 1961).

Seriously, of the 55 footnotes in this opinion, 28 of them are movie quotes. I highly recommend it to all of you. 2000 WL 264295 (S.D.N.Y. 2000).

Awesome.

You'd think they'd double check the numbers by now

Enron, unlike my fourteen-dollar math explorer, cannot add:

"More than 20,000 former Enron Corp. employees who finally received the first payment from a portion of millions in retirement funds lost during the company's collapse have been told they either were overpaid or underpaid because of a computer glitch."

It'd take a team of rocket scientists to figure out in whose favor the errors skewed:

"
About 7,700 ex-workers were overpaid, and about 12,800 were underpaid."

Al Gore

Al Gore told The Today Show that he has no intentions of running for office again. In a stunning coincidence, Gore II's announcement came on the same day his son, Al Gore III, informed the world (again) that he likes pot and pills.

I'm curious how damning it would be for a political campaign if the candidate's kid gets caught with drugs. Damning enough that it becomes a proper time to say you aren't interested? Like the third grader who doesn't want it any more anyways because he couldn't get it? As a side note, it must suck to have your drug stop and mug shot appear as a headline on CNN.com.

Finally a solution for chronic spousal crippling in Monona

The Wife Carry, baby. If you look closely at that picture, you can pick out Ant.

SeventhCircuitOPedia

We've all heard of Wikipedia and her ugly, but infinitely entertaining, step-sister Conservapedia, but let the world wide wisdom now present to you SeventhCircuitOPedia:

"The 7th Circuit Court of Appeals is engaged in an interesting experiment in democracy. The court posted its Practitioners Handbook to the web and opened it up for revision by members of the bar, no holds barred. Attorneys are encouraged to make comments, change information, add topics; in short, post whatever they think is important to know about practicing in the 7th Circuit.

'Our proposition is that everyone knows more than any one person,” says Chief Judge Frank H. Easterbrook. “As a group, the attorneys practicing before our court know more about appellate practice than any single person. With our wiki, we’re drawing on that wisdom.'” story

So, anyone with a valid email address can edit the Seventh Circuit's Practitioner's Handbook that was formerly available as a PDF.

As funny as it would be to change the handbook's scope of review entry to "complete lack of judgment" in substantive appeals and "total fuckup" for procedural ones, there will apparently be a monitoring system to remove web graffiti. I can see the big law firm execs now: "Tell the partner to start writing the brief and get those damn associates to deface any useful information the other side could find in the practitioner's handbook. I loooooooooooveeeeee POWER!" Ok, maybe not that last part, but you have to find something for that big mess of associates to do all summer that won't totally sink your firm...

Sturgeon surgeons

If you're ever boating around Florida's Suwannee River, watch out for the kamikaze sturgeon:

"Leaping sturgeon have injured three people on the Suwannee this year, including a woman on a Jet Ski and a girl whose leg was shattered when one of the giant fish jumped aboard her boat. Eight others were hit last year... 'You’ve got people sitting on the front of an open boat, and the boat is going 20, 30, 40 miles per hour. The fish jumps up and usually slaps these people right across their face and upper chest. Almost every one of them universally has been knocked unconscious.'"

Who wants to be the guy at the pearly gates telling St. Peter you died from taking a Gulf Sturgeon to the schnozz? WJD needs to get down to Florida pronto and get those insolent ass fish to read some battery statutes.

Tuesday

Don't hate the playa, hate the game

Arthur Friedman has a guy with his same last name, my boy CT's homie Milton Friedman, rolling in his grave. Milton, a proponent of the free market, played like there would someday no longer be any playing. Arthur Friedman, however, hating on players, needed a good cry in front of a jury over being played on.

He got $4,802 from the guy who legally alienated his wife's affections by, apparently, having mad skillz. What he really needed, of course, was a whambulance that serves whamburgers and french cries, and he needed it stat.

"'This guy ruined my life -- he backstabbed me,' Arthur Friedman told the Chicago Sun-Times. 'What he did was wrong. And I did what I had to do to get my point across.'"

What ever happened to the good ol' days of meeting out in front of the saloon and taking care of this like men?

The cunning affection-burglar German Blinov "doesn't deny having a relationship with Natalie Friedman while she was married, but he was surprised to learn he could be sued for it." Like the rest of you, I'm asking myself WWWJDD, and I think he'd advise Mr. Blinov to read the goddamn statute book before gallivanting around town inserting himself into someone else's affections. He must have an affection alienation affectation ... or is it now an affliction?

"And if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of."

Our constantly-misinterpreted President's words are getting twisted around again in the media. I'm here to set the record straight.

On September 30th, 2003, President Bush addressed job creation with business leaders and was asked a few questions about leaks in his administration.

Q Do you think that the Justice Department can conduct an impartial investigation, considering the political ramifications of the CIA leak, and why wouldn't a special counsel be better?

THE PRESIDENT: Yes. Let me just say something about leaks in Washington. There are too many leaks of classified information in Washington. There's leaks at the executive branch; there's leaks in the legislative branch. There's just too many leaks. And if there is a leak out of my administration, I want to know who it is. And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of.

And so I welcome the investigation. I -- I'm absolutely confident that the Justice Department will do a very good job. There's a special division of career Justice Department officials who are tasked with doing this kind of work; they have done this kind of work before in Washington this year. I have told our administration, people in my administration to be fully cooperative.

I want to know the truth. If anybody has got any information inside our administration or outside our administration, it would be helpful if they came forward with the information so we can find out whether or not these allegations are true and get on about the business.

"And if the person has violated law, the person will be taken care of."

True to his word, Scooter Libby has been taken care of. The President extended his executive wing and took in the helpless, if loose-lipped, Libby and commuted his sentence from a Paris Hilton-like 30 months to a "take-care-of"-like zero days. Luckily for Libby, the jury convicted him: The President unequivocally stated that the person would only be taken care of if they broke the law. If the perjury and obstruction of justice charges hadn't held, the President wouldn't have had to have acted like he did to keep his word.

Finally, an issue clear-cut enough to trim all the slack from the liberal media and force them to stop hating our President for his honesty. Watch out Jon Stewart: He'll take care of you next.

Monday

O Anthony, why has thou forsaken me?

First off, thanks for the shout-out Ant. That'll get you a nice pair of front row tickets to the execution, gratis.

I find it very interesting, and more than a little depressing that around this time last year, there was quite a bit of hubbub surrounding our 2 rookie supes, Bobby and Sammy.

Will they be trailblazers or will they fall into predictable alignments? (one asked oneself)

I, for one, was very much hoping that Sammy would turn out to be a dark horse, throw off the shackles of his oppressors and grow a pair. Sadly, this has not turned out to be the case. As I have watched decisions coming down in case after case, I hear the case name, the result, and the numbers "5-4" and I don't need to hear any more. Bobby and Sammy have fallen neatly into the roles that the White House carved out for them, and have been utterly predictable ever since.

So, since there is no longer any solace to be drawn from the hopeful anticipation that there might be a shake-up down at the SCOTUS batcave, I am forced into my fallback position, begging Kennedy to stop pandering and start pissing off the right again. There was a time in recent history when much weeping and wailing and gnashing of teeth could be heard from the upper echelons of the Republican party every time a 5-4 decison came down, and this was all due to ol' Anthony doing something delightfully unexpected from a Repub-appointed justice.

I miss those days. Come on Kennedy, I know you still got it in you. In the meantime, keep the faith Steve-o and don't you dare die on me.