Profiles in Awesomeness: AKen

Hear ye, Hear ye, Court is now in session!

SCOTUS kicks off its new term today, and there are a lot of hot-button issues on deck. People that care are waiting with bated breath to see if the most recent additions to the Court, now that they've had some time to settle in, will be able to successfully swing the Court back hard right and stop the accursed secular-progressive juggernaut from damning the soul of our great nation.

According to some really smart people, the fate of the world hinges on the mysterious and unpredictable whims of our very own Justice Kennedy.

"It's hard to understate the significance of Justice Kennedy," said Douglas Kmiec, a onetime Justice Department lawyer in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations, who now teaches law at Pepperdine University.

"The problem for both the more liberal side of the court and the more conservative side is that neither fully understands Justice Kennedy," he added. "They work rather conscientiously at trying to understand his perspective, and winning him over."

Despite CJ Roberts' ambitious goal of a cohesive and unanimous Court, last term saw more 5-4 decisions than we have seen in years, and Kennedy was in the majority in every single one. This basically means that HUGELY important issues are being decided by a single person, a state of affairs that makes me pretty nervous.

A number of other wild card factors are also present this term, which could make for a tumultuous and unpredictable judicial season.

Beyond the caseload, the individual dynamics among justices on the high court's bench could also play out along interesting storylines, among them:

The health scare involving 52-year-old Chief Justice John Roberts, hospitalized in July with a still-unexplained seizure: Can he cast aside any concerns over his still-developing leadership skills?

The ageless 87-year-old John Paul Stevens, leader of the more liberal wing of the court: Can he hold together a loose left-leaning coalition?

The newest justice, Samuel Alito: Will he remain a reliably conservative vote as he begins his second full term?

Lesser-known Justices David Souter and Stephen Breyer: Will they emerge as key behind-the-scenes players on a range of hot-button cases?

In spite of all the uncertainty and apprehension hovering over the bench like a storm cloud, I am very excited about what this term might hold, and am crossing my fingers that any surprises that might occur end up being favorable to my position. Stay tuned. It could get interesting.

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Rejoicing in Murder

Another campus shooting: A University of Memphis student was shot in his car around 10pm last night. Rumor has it he was a football player, although the University is waiting to release his name. They will say, though, that the incident "may have involved a current or former football player."

Over at Conservapedia, they sit in their little studio apartments on the internet 18 hours a day waiting for stuff like this to go down because they feel it supports their position that sitting in your apartment all day (with the occasional wide-stance fling in the airport) is the proper, moral way to live your life. I'm usually not this reductively nasty about the morons over there, but this headline pissed me off. From the Conservapedia main page:

"UNIVERSITY OF MEMPHIS LOCKED DOWN AFTER STUDENT ATHLETE REPORTEDLY IS SHOT DEAD OUTSIDE DORM More depravity on another of our college campuses! Secular-progressive movement claims another victim."

Yeah you fucking numbskulls, it's the "secular-progessive movement" that's pulling the triggers around here. Don't you have any shame about turning someone's murder, that nobody knows anything about yet, into knee-jerk advocation of your policy? Should Seriatim start the "this troop died *insert picture here* so we should obviously not be in Iraq" section? Have some respect for the sort of shock this thing entails, you fucking scumbags.

Whew

The Seriatim yellow alert has been removed in honor of Joe Mathlete's return to Marmaduke explanation. The alert level is now puke-colored, because it's Monday.

Over here at Seriatim we were getting nervous that those idiots over at the Blog of Hilarity (hey BOHChris, I'm not linking to you, neeneer neeneer neeneer) had pissed Joe off to the point where he didn't feel like explaining Marmaduke was any longer worthwhile. Luckily, Joe has tough skin, tough enough even to take on one of the Sunday strips, which are particularly retarded.

Whew.

Beat me with the Irony Stick, why don't you?

The venerable 2d Circuit recently handed down a ruling invalidating a change in the FCC policy regarding "fleeting expletives". [Fox Television Stations, et. al. v. FCC] For the better part of 30 years, the FCC has said that they would not seek sanctions against networks that air such expletives, rather they would save their ire for those broadcasts that constituted "verbal shock treatment". Then came the Golden Globes, wherein Bono said that receiving his award was "really, really f-ing brilliant".

Apparently, this statement offended the delicate sensibilities of the Parents Television Council, who began pestering the FCC to take action against the network. In a startling reversal of decades of policy, the FCC abandoned their precedent and declared that fleeting and isolated use of expletives would no longer be tolerated. The networks, of course, were not too thrilled.

The ironical part is, the loudest howling is coming from Fox. I have always thought it a little odd that Fox, the network that brought us such quality programming as Temptation Island, and Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, is also the network that provides a safe haven for the caterwauling champions of the religious right *cough*billoreilly*cough*. What do you want to bet that the Parents Television Council is composed largely of bible-beaters that Tivo O'Reilly on a regular basis?

Seems like this is a classic case of the right hand pretending not to know what the left hand is doing.

*I counted that the 2d Circuit included the word "fuck" in some form approximately 27 times in their opinion. Purely for illustrative purposes, of course. It is expected that the Supreme Court will grant cert on this issue. I REALLY hope they let me write for the majority. =)

Naughty Clarence...

So, the truth comes out. Our very own Clarence T. says that the whole Anita Hill thing was really about... wait for it... abortion.

"That was the elephant in the room... That was the issue. That is the issue that people are apparently so upset about..."

About Hill herself, CT asserts, in a really creepy [kinky] way:

"She was not the demure, religious, conservative person that they portrayed. That's not the person I knew," Thomas says. "She could defend herself, let's just put it that way...

Keep an eye on the Drudge report for updates.

What a Stoner!

As I'm sure most of you who care have heard (except aken, who never knows what he wants. The JP's here for you! Join my team! We'll win 5-4!), Michael Vick tested positive for the wacky tobaccy in violation of his, well, chillaxin' time before he gets thrown in the clink. After the airplane water bottle incident, you can't color many of us surprised. He probably needed some herbal refreshment to combat the going-to-jail jitters. Hey, he's human (we're still presuming).

At lunch today, Cranny made a great Vick-annals-of-stupidity point to Dr. Nugz and I: When he tried to bring the water bottle loaded with pot onto the plane, it must have been under the two-wrongs-made-a-right theory, as neither water bottles nor pot were allowed on the plane at the time. The craziest part about that story was when authories came out and said it wasn't pot in the water bottle. Was Vick hiding his oregano stash in his water bottle for the plane ride?

Breaking Law School News: St Johns LS Under Attack?

From Above the Law: Check it out here.

"They caught one person on the way to the school president's office wearing a black mask and carrying a rifle in a duffel bag, and are still looking for a second gunman. No shots were fired and no one was hurt from what I have heard. The whole campus has been on lockdown for the last few hours, but I think they are evacuating the campus as we speak."

Ruh roh.

Bondi Beach Bikini Babes

I bet that my brothers on the Court would have liked to have been invited to this record setting event.

On a pretty irrelevant sidenote, I will always remember that the first video I ever saw on an episode of Beavis & Butthead was called "Bikini Girls With Machine Guns".

Call the whambulance?

I honestly can't decide how I feel about this.

On the one side, I have heard that it is pretty painful for a lactating woman to go too long without being able to express her milk.

On the other side, as a proponent of family planning, I argue that she should have thought about this before going and having another baby right away. She knew perfectly well this exam was coming up, and it was going to be grueling. I'm certainly not saying she should have aborted her baby to accommodate the exam, but it was her choice to get pregnant and if that is making it hard for her to get things done, that's her own damn fault. There will be another exam. She could put it off until she's finished breast-feeding.

I guess I take issue with her position that lactating is some kind of disability that should be given special accommodation. Pregnancy is a (largely) voluntary condition, and it seems like this baby was planned. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lashing out against all breeders. I understand why there need to be provisions made in the workplace for nursing mothers, they are just trying to keep doing their job and going on with their day to day lives. I see this as an entirely different situation. This exam is an isolated event and it can be postponed.

Furthermore, this woman is already getting special considerations for learning disabilities and being allowed to take the test over two days instead of one. Call me crazy, but I feel a little uneasy about granting medical licenses to people that can't pass the exam under the same rigorous circumstances applied to everyone else.

OK, I guess now I do know how I feel about this.

Frank Lasee Hates Me

He must've read my previous post about how hard it is to criticize him when he goes hardcore spreadfire dbag on us, because he came up with another doozy today. He went out and listed all of the taxes that weren't there 100 years ago:

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world.

Dr. Nugz and I, in response, decided to brainstorm a list of other things that weren't there 100 years ago that we think are more responsible for our downfall from prosperity that Franky is lamenting:

(1) There were no internets, so our politicians were forced to spend their time making legislative decisions and designing policy instead of posting chain letters on their blog.

(2) Our country was hella racist, and, unlike the goddamn lawyers that protect civil rights, simply not hiring black people is quite efficient.

(3) We were still riding the wave of maintaining slavery for about 100 years longer than comparable nations.

(4) We had no telephones to tax, and therefore the people were richer than God. By the way Frank, I assume you haven't read Harry Potter because it's a book, but do you think phones work by magic?

(5) We weren't bombing numerous countries, nor providing for the mass transfer of funds from legitimate organizations to companies run by the Vice-President.

(6) Women were property, which would have mitigated the court-time necessary for Lasee's bitter divorce. The courts were therefore less clogged and we didn't need bullshit legislators calling the whambulance on the state bar.

(7) The government wasn't concerned with product safety: Allowing the market to determine the demand for lead paint and Chinese dog food, rather than supplanting our decision-making processes for theirs, at great regulatory financial expense. Also, we locked blue-collar workers in big buildings and forced them to work insane hours in shitty conditions. The economy was flowing like wine.

(8) The US used to be a production-based economy, and we've gone service-style over the last century. This transition occurred, obviously, because of dickhole legislators like Lasee that refused to look out for the interests of the middle-class laborers.

(9) Frank Lasee was not in office.

So Frank, I think reasonable people could certainly differ over whether your reasons or our reasons are responsible for our economy's decline. Well, unless we had only left it at 8: It seems to me like the fact you weren't in office 100 years ago (when things were good) but are now (when, according to you, things are bad) is pretty cut-and-dried proof that you, not taxes, are the primary cause.

Isn't the ability to take correlation and assert causation awesome?!

Who says judges don't have a sense of humor?

Every now and then, as I am poring over scholarly tomes of legalness, I come across something that makes me laugh out loud. I'm sure it is quite disconcerting to the other people here in the library of JPSLS, but I just can't help it.

I've just finished reading the very important case of Mattel v. MCA Records, 296 F.3d 894 (9th Cir. 2002). I'm sure all you pop culture aficionados out there remember a totally awesome song that came out circa 1997, a song called "Barbie Girl". It contained such classic lines as, "I'm a blond bimbo girl in a fantasy world", and "You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere". Super-smart social commentary, dontcha think?

Anyway, Mattel, makers of the iconic Barbie doll and owners of the trademark rights in same, in a fit of righteous indignation, decided to sue the record label that marketed "Barbie Girl" in the US. Rather than suing them for total suckitude (a cause of action I would have solidly supported), they sued them for trademark infringement, dilution, unfair competition, yaddayaddayadda. Long story short, Mattel lost.

The fun part is, Judge Kozinski, that paragon of sober judiciousness, issued the opinion. He helpfully framed the issue at the very beginning of the case.

"If this were a sci-fi melodrama, it might be called Speech-Zilla meets Trademark Kong"

At the end of the case, he addresses MCA's cross-claim against Mattel for defamation.

"MCA filed a counterclaim for defamation based on [a] Mattel representative's use of the words "bank robber," "heist," "crime," and "theft". But all of these are variants of the invective most often hurled at accused infringers, namely "piracy". No one hearing this accusation understands intellectual property owners to be saying that infringers are nautical cutthroats with eye-patches and peg legs who board galleons to plunder cargo. In context, all these terms are nonactionable "rhetorical hyperbole". The parties are advised to chill."

Heh.

Frank Lasee's Tax Poem

Frank Lasee posted a retarded poem about taxes on Monday, and it's really been bothering me. Normally, there's an obvious tack to insult Frank's idiocy that I can spin into a cohesive commentary on why he's such a delta bravo. Go ahead and just glance at the poem. ... Where do I start?

Dr. Nugz thinks the rant should be about how he's spending his time reading and posting chain emails instead of doing anything legislatively productive. My first inclination was to comment on how Frank managed to exhaust his entire vocabulary in one short moronic ditty. There's also the fact that he opened it with "This poem is floating around the internet. At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it." I think that's a bald-faced lie: Frank thought it was funny because of what he sees as the awful truth of it. To venture into the short-bus actual content: "Put these words upon his tomb, 'Taxes drove me to my doom...'" But Frank, aren't the people who might actually die as a result of not having enough money the people that the tax dollars are helping?

What an incoherent ramble I just had to write, Frank, and I blame it on you: If you're going to be a douchebag in like a thousand different ways in one post, I'm not going to be able to spin it in a way that coherently demonstrates the crux of the douchebaggery. Hating on Frank Lasee, paradoxically, gets harder as he gets stupider.

1L SBA Elections!

It's that time of the year again, when the cool 1Ls want to demonstrate how with-it they are by becoming the leaders of their peers on the SBA board. It's a great trick on the part of the SBA to run these elections so early. Sometimes you hear 1Ls griping about how they don't even know anyone yet, so how could you cast an informed ballot? The JP has three very important reasons.

First, nobody gives two shits about whether you cast an informed ballot.

Second, the 2Ls and 3Ls on SBA are by now getting sick and tired of having to do the bitch work that should be doled out to the greenest board members.

Third, and this plays off point two, the 1Ls haven't realized that joining SBA is a kiss of death. Your primary responsibilities are doing lots of organizing and bitch work. By bitch work I don't even mean doc reviews or anything: I'm talking about carrying heavy objects to events, cleaning the lounge, and carrying Neil home when he gets too shitcanned.

Basically, the SBA elections are like oppositeland: If you win you lose, and if you lose you win. Tell that to the guy who posted his picture all around the law school in a BoSox cap trying to drum up the sympathy vote by running on the 'I have diabetes' platform. I have to admit, I don't know the kid at all, so it could be tongue in cheek, but, uh... someone should tell him that he seriously doesn't want to be on SBA. I have it from reputable sources.

Guest Bloggin': Banana Bread

Thanks to Mr. Keelover for this one:

Subject: How the fuck did they get 23 grams of fat into my banana bread?

We have one of those rotating refrigerated vending machines at work. I patronized it this morning, hoping to find an healthier alternative to potato chips and candy bars. How about banana bread?, I thought. Better than Snickers - after all, it has fruit in it. I put in my dollar, and opened the door to retrieve my breakfast - a 113-gram loaf of Nemo's (Fine Bakery Products) Banana Bread. Out of curiosity, I checked out the nutritional info.

23 grams of fat?! It takes a lot of balls to advertise "0 g Trans Fat" on the front of your wrapper when the back reveals that it's little more than a leavened lump of lipids. I found this mind-boggling - 23 grams of fat is about what you'd find in a lunch from McDonald's, or a double-portion of baby back ribs, not BREAD! I read further:

Ingredients: Enriched Bleach Flour - okay, probably not nature's best, but I don't think it has any fat.

Sugar - again, no fat.

Eggs - yeah, they have fat, but what did they do, use half a dozen?

Soybean Oil - AHA!

That explains why the top of my banana bread glistens like the clean-shaven pectorals of an MTV Spring Breaker. I'm pretty sure you can make banana bread without using any oil (especially when, as in this case, you also use buttermilk). Why on Earth should you make oil the fourth ingredient? It's listed before bananas, for chrissakes!

Most importantly, it tastes terrible.

How do you pronounce 'Bush'?

JP's editor at the undergraduate newspaper now works for a Japanese newspaper in New York, got ahold of an unedited version of the speech Bush gave yesterday concerning Iran and sent it along to the JP.

After being President for seven years now, apparently Bush is still a little befuddled by pronouncing words referring to something foreign:

The behavior of the Mugabe [moo-GAHbee] regime is an assault on its people – and an affront to the principles of the Universal Declaration. The United Nations must insist on change In Harare [hah-RAR-ray] – and freedom for the people of Zimbabwe.

I look forward to attending a Security Council meeting that will focus on Darfur, chaired by French President Sarkozy [sar-KOzee].

Note: Bush and Sarkozy have met in person several times.

The United States salutes the nations that have recently taken strides toward liberty – including Ukraine, Georgia, Kyrgyzstan [KEYRgeez-stan], Mauritania [moor-EH-tain-ee-a], Liberia, Sierra Leone, and Morocco.

For the seventh grade student giving a presentation on these issues, this would be totally appropriate and even commendable. If you're the President of this country, you should be able to show enough respect for the rest of the world to pronounce their country names.

UPDATE: From the source: "They had posted it on the UN's website by mistake. They took it down almost immediately, but not before we had ahold of it.

Heeheehee, I love how he had to have help with Sarkozy. That's just embarrassing."

Someone's giving it to Erin Andrews

And it's neither JP nor Cap'nStatute :(. Deadspin says it's Pat White. Did anyone tell Ms. Andrews that people who choose to live in West Virginia are very likely to have more than 20 digits?

Also, as a gossipy side note, JP's politically-inclined little brother (who gave him this tip) learned (from an apparently-reputable source) that Erin Andrews also went on a date with Bret Bieliema a few years ago in Madison. From the Badgers to the Mountaineers? Watch out for those coal slides!

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Blocking my fucking IP

Well, I think those knobs over at Conservapedia have finally hired a non-Originalist (the computer doesn't work how it worked in 1793) to monitor the IP addresses of people trying to create accounts. Subsequently, I think Dr. Nugz and I have been banned on just about all of the JPSLS IP addresses. We're to the point where, even when I can create an account, I get banned for being a "sock puppet" (a word Conservapedians have just learned in the last month or so for people who just create new accounts when one account gets banned) of Dr. Nugz' original account that took them forever to ban.

If you're a JPSLS student and you're reading this in class, go to Conservapedia and try to create an account. If you can, please leave a comment telling myself and Dr. Nugz what room you did it from. Maybe we've just exhausted our classrooms (if I can't get an account, how I can take the Supreme Court class?) Conservapedia is unwittingly missing our contributions, like this entry on Cheesy Potatoes that they, for some reason, have not taken down yet. Education at its finest.

UPDATE: "Account creation from this IP address (XX.YY.ZZZ.$$$) has been blocked. This is probably due to persistent vandalism from your school or Internet service provider." If cheesy potatoes are vandalism, we're all fucked.

This is not an 'any pub is good pub' spot

Joe Mathlete is pissed off, and when Joe Mathlete feels pain, JP feels pain. Apparently some hackjob at the "Blog of Hilarity" (which I'm not linking to because I don't want to encourage anyone to make this dumbass feel better about himself by getting more web hits) has been explaining Marmaduke too, and it's ruffled Mr. Mathlete's duck feathers. Also, the Blog of Hilarity set itself a high bar for success, and, contrary to my strong parenthetical a few lines ago, you have to see how bad this shit is. This dickfor is a no-talent ass clown that needs to leave explaining Marmaduke to a professional like Joe Mathlete.

HONESTY DISCLAIMER: JP, enjoying his Marmaduke Explained quite a bit, has tried to think of ways to play off of that idea (I really wanted to do Peter Carstensen Explained, but I never have any clue what he's saying) and OSlice even tormented an asshole on our nerdy undergraduate message board with "*dbag's name* Explained" until dbag sent Slice an email begging him to stop. True story. However, explaining Marmaduke is for Joe Mathlete and Joe Mathlete alone. Is nothing sacred?

Captain Statute Salutes McBalls

So you want to be a lawyer?

The first step is to go to law school. Introducing John Paul Steven’s Law School Dean of Admissions, McBalls. McBalls went to law school but is not a lawyer (he shares much in common with the future Cap’n Statute.). McBalls is from Montana. He came to John Paul Stevens in 2002, and was very popular. He was involved in student government, athletics, and other activities. The most powerful thing about McBalls is that he has access to every applicant’s ‘character and fitness,’ report. If you ever did anything wrong in your life, McBalls knows about it. He does not care, but he knows.

McBalls decides who comes to Law School and who does not. Nobody knows how he makes these decisions. McBalls applies a heightened level of scrutiny to all John Paul Stevens applicants. Among the many factors he considers are grades, your Undergraduate Institution, legacy, affirmative action, the weather, magic 8 ball, your cover letter, and LSAT scores. Many of these criteria are arbitrary and nonsensical, like the 8-ball, which is slightly more predictive of your future performance as a law student than the LSAT. McBalls values diversity, but all new applicants have one thing in common: they are all ridiculously good looking.

Yes, it’s true. The new 1st year class has arrived, and whether it is warm weather, the aphrodisiacal effects of studying tort law, the fact that that they have not been around long enough for us to think of them as anything but sex objects, or the fact that they have not known us long enough to realize what herbs we are, every boy and girl in the 1st year class is on the auction block for upperclassmen. Get ‘em while they’re hot! The Cap’n has seen several of his classmates out on dates with the neophytes, or drunkenly chatting them up at the bars. I remember this happened to me in my first year as well. More upperclass law school girls hit on me in my first week of law school, than there are girls who have hit on me, my entire life. True story. Then somewhere along the line I lost my novelty. No one wants me anymore, so I turn to the 1st years.

So much of what they say about the Cycle of Law School is true. McBalls chose the class carefully, making sure they were all good looking and would inject the school with some life. But it’ll be drained out of them soon, too. Then we won’t be attracted to them anymore. In a year, they’ll be just like us, a year older, and desperately hitting on that younger class of people who still haven’t had their life-forces sucked out by law school, and can still hold interesting conversations that have NOTHING to do with law. All good things come to an end. In the meantime, it’s time to kick back and enjoy them like the last warm days in Autumn. Thank you, McBalls! Cap’n Statute salutes you!

And They Say We Don't Need Tort Reform

We here on the Court are quite familiar with the proliferation of frivolous and ridiculous lawsuits.

Who could forget the classic case of United States ex rel. Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282?

"Plaintiff sought leave to proceed in forma pauperis on a complaint filed against defendant chief fallen angel. Plaintiff alleged that defendant had threatened him, caused him misery, impeded his course in life, and generally precipitated his downfall, which injuries, plaintiff alleged, rose to constitutional dimension."

"The court denied plaintiff's prayer for leave to proceed in forma pauperis and ordered that the complaint be assigned a docket number. The court opined that the complaint failed to state a claim for which relief could be granted and found that it failed to allege facts that would support a conventional jurisdictional basis for the maintenance of an action against defendant chief fallen angel."

Since that time, it would seem that people have realized the folly of attempting to obtain personal jurisdiction over otherworldly beings. Then again, maybe not.

The Honorable Ernie Chambers, State Senator from the Great State of Nebraska, has apparently brought suit against God. That's right, God the Almighty himself.

"The defendant in a state senator’s lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He’s everywhere."

While the Mayo case was dismissed largely for lack of personal jurisdiction, probably because Satan can only come to you if you invite him, God is omnipotent and omnipresent and thus, arguably, subject to personal jurisdiction damn near everywhere.

"The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused “fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”

He’s seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty."

It is precisely these sorts of frivolous lawsuits that we need to work to eradicate. God, I've heard, is LOADED. Could you imagine the incredible punitive damages that might be awarded by a runaway jury? Not to mention God's long record of bad behavior (The Black Plague, anyone?), which could very well cause a jury to go completely off the rails.

Don't worry God. Clarince T is firmly in your corner.

Hideously Ugly AND Dangerous! Sounds like a winning marketing strategy to me...

From the first day Mario Batali came sashaying onto the set of his cooking show, I have had a deep-seated aversion to those monstrosities passing themselves off as shoes. I am referring, of course, to Crocs. We've all seen them, occasionally you'll pass an entire family outfitted in a rainbow of these things. I hate them.

Turns out, they aren't just repulsive, they are also hazardous when used in combination with escalators. Yes folks, people are getting their toes ripped off when they wear these squishy pieces of crap on moving staircases. In fact, the Washington Metro subway system even has signs warning people of the hazards of these "shoes".

"In Singapore, a 2-year-old girl wearing rubber clogs -- it's unclear what brand -- had her big toe completely ripped off in an escalator accident last year, according to local media reports.

And at the Atlanta airport, a 3-year-old boy wearing Crocs suffered a deep gash across the top of his toes in June. That was one of seven shoe entrapments at the airport since May 1, and all but two of them involved Crocs, said Roy Springer, operations manager for the company that runs the airport terminal."

Of course, anyone that would wear Crocs in the first place obviously doesn't have much of a sense of personal pride to begin with, so maybe they don't care if their toes get ripped off. In which case I say Good Riddance.

Ode to a TV

I got my television set about a year ago when I moved from Goodwill: $60 and it came with rabbit ears. When I turned it on and there was a moderately discernable picture, I felt like the kid who just robbed the entertainment candy store.

I’ve since learned that the TV is haunted and that the ghost is particularly petulant and not a big fan of me. Numerous times either myself or my former roommate would come home to a turned-on, blaring TV that neither of us had watched for a few weeks. It scared the shit out of a houseguest who thought for sure we were being robbed by the loudest villains ever.

Its location has fluctuated with my mood between the living room and my bedroom, and it doesn’t seem to affect its performance. Occasionally it’ll refuse to turn on for a few days, and it didn’t work a lick from June to August. As I was seriously thinking about going back to Goodwill to get another TV, it started working again, and for two or three blissful days I had actual full-blown television performance.

For the last month or so though, the picture has been fine, but it doesn’t make any noise. I’ve tried everything my worthless law student ass can try as far as fixing it goes, and I’m not very industrious, so I just watch without any sound. This is mostly fine for about 95% of what I like to watch: sports and Jeopardy!, although it has given me an odd set of complaints.

My two biggest problems with Jeopardy! are the fucking clues where they bring on some only-moderately-attractive pseudo-guest reader to read the “answer” instead of putting the words up on the screen and the camera guy who gets tired towards the end of the show and doesn’t pan to the answerer’s mouth fast enough for me to try to lip read the answers.

Sports is enjoyable, because there’s no possibility you’ll hear the blowhards they have commenting these days. It’s kind of refreshing not to have a shit storm of nausea-inducing circular bullshit to have to try to not get stupider from while you watch an event that people who follow it regularly can actually, gasp, form opinions about on their own. If I hear one more knob pronounce, during a football game, that the team with more running yards wins like 75% of the time, I’m going to permanently remove audio as one of my criteria when choosing a television.

I guess I wouldn’t be disappointed if the my TV goblin decided to give me the audio back, but the experience of watching the picture without any cues from the language informs you of how programs direct your attention to certain parts of the screen, and how more awkward shit goes down that I’d never noticed. Like in Jeopardy! right before they go to the breaks all the contestants are on screen acting naturally awkward while robotron Alex is informing the audience for the fifty bajillionith time that they’ll be back after these messages.

Some of it still comes through: They haven’t taken away John Madden’s obnoxious little screenwriter pen thing yet, and every time he does it it reminds me of the SNL skit where OJ draws out ‘I did it’ in football analysis.

I refuse to end this retarded little ramble with a sentence tying this whole experience to a larger theme that purports to explain the essence of human existence. Deal with it.

Fired Judge Blames Elf for Court Mishaps

I haven't had my daily caffeine quota, so I'm not sure how to process this news. Evidently, Luis the elf ("a 'king of kings'") and a longtime friend of former J. Florentina Floro Jr., is responsible for making the other Justices crash their cars and become seriously ill.

Thanks to the ABA for notifying me about this.

Sauce Watch: On Wisconsin!

Everyone's favorite arch-conservative pillar of judicial restraint has made a valuable and delightful discovery. A quaint little store around the corner from my chambers called Moco Market has a build-your-own six-pack deal at a heck of a price, and with a fine selection of excellent local brews. I availed myself of the options and have uncovered some shining examples of what makes Wisconsin truly great.

Blonde Doppelbock, Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

This was a lovely and refreshing summertime libation. Light, sweet, and just a wee bit fruity. Exactly what kind of fruit, you ask? I really couldn't put my finger on it, maybe peach? Hint of mystery fruit aside, I hereby hold this beer to be a nice alternative when you want a nice airy beer to sip on a summer afternoon, but don't want the overwhelming kick of your traditional Hefeweizen. The Blonde Doppelbock offers all of the positive elements I associate with wheat beers, and none of the negative. Couldn't drink it every day, but the one bottle I included in my custom sixer went down reeeeeeal nice.

Staghorn Octoberfest, New Glarus, WI

One of my favorite parts about fall is when all the breweries start rolling out their Octoberfests and Oktoberfests and their Fests of all kinds. I don't recall having encountered this fine submission from New Glarus last year, and I am thrilled that they have decided to jump on the Octoberfest bandwagon. So confident was I that NG would deliver the goods, I allocated 2 of the six spots in the pack for this contender, and I can now say that ruling was not clearly erroneous. It isn't the best Octoberfest I've ever had (last year I was ALL about the Sprecher) but it is a solid and substantial beer. It is dark and full-bodied, with a slightly bitter aftertaste - reminiscent of their Fat Squirrel (this Justice's personal favorite), but with a bit more bite. I vote "Yea".

Holy Moses White Ale, Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland, OH

I mistakenly included one bottle of this in the six pack without realizing it wasn't a Wisconsin beer. I will briefly review it anyway, in the hope that the rest of you won't make the same mistake I did and actually purchase this swill. This beer was...eh. It had a lot of weird flavors going on, and I wasn't diggin it. The fine print on the label says it is made with coriander, orange peel, and chamomile. No wonder it tasted so funky. As my wise co-justice JPS once told me, "Stay away from beers with weird spices". Or something like that. Anyhoo, I give it one and half thumbs down. The remaining half thumb up is because, at 5.4% abv, one bottle (on an empty stomach) gave me a decent buzz.

Rocky's Revenge!, Tyranena Brewing Co., Lake Mills, WI

This beer! Oh, this beer! It was a dark horse contender, but I was so taken in by the charming story on the label of an ancient dragon that lives in the bottom of the lake and terrorizes the villagers, I decided to take the plunge and offer 2 coveted spots to this unknown spoiler. That was a gamble that most decidedly paid off. Rocky's Revenge is a sumptuous brown ale, with a portion aged in bourbon barrels. You can taste juuuuuust a hint of the sweet, smoky bourbon taste under the chocolatey, velvety smoothness of this quality product. The T has long been a fan of Newcastle, the quintessential brown ale, but this is far superior. It tastes like Newcastle would taste if it grew a pair. Every sip was a delight, and a great sense of melancholy descended o'er me when the last drop was drained. Good thing I got two.

Happy drinking!

Either I'm just loopy...

or this is one of the funnier lines in a case I've ever read. From Yauger v. Skiing Enterprises, Inc. (JPSLS students may remember this case from "Contracts: Law in Action I"):

The first case involved an accident during a stock car race at a county race track. The plaintiff, a driver in the race, sustained severe brain damage when, after crashing through the guardrail surrounding the racetrack, racetrack rescue personnel sprayed chemicals into his burning car, creating toxic fumes.

This just kills me. I figured the dude would run into a tree or something. Nope, seems like he made it through the crashing part all well and good. Just couldn't deal with the toxic chemicals they sprayed into his car afterwards. I bet he was like "would you motherfuckers stop spraying me with those toxic chemicals before I get brain damage? I'm fine in here."

Down with Liberal Bias!

Thanks be to the JP for turning me on to the modern marvel that is Conservapedia. While he takes issue with many of their tactics, I wish to applaud them for their totally fair and balanced account of the difficulties I experienced during my confirmation to the Supreme Court. From the Conservapedia page entitled, appropriately enough, "Clarence Thomas":

Radical leftists attempted to block Thomas' nomination to the High Court through a persistent series of public guilt by association smears. Chip Berlet of Political Research Associates noted that Thomas was on the editorial board of the Lincoln Review, a quarterly black conservative publication of the Lincoln Institute. Berlet issued a rather dubious ad hominem attack which claimed "it is a far right group that has worked in coalition with… fascist and anti-Semitic groups," and goes on to “link” Lincoln Institute head J. A. Baker with the Indiana Ku Klux Klan by virtue that Baker is on the board of the Council for National Policy and another board member is supposedly a former Klan member. ^[10]

In a flagrant violation of the rules of the Senate ^[11], staff members ^[12] for a sitting Democratic member of the Judiciary Committee leaked a routine confidential FBI background report to Nina Totenberg of National Public Radio (NPR) ^[13] which contained a vicious defamatory smear intended to mar Thomas for life. The accusation was known to be false, and was concocted to publicly intimidate an African-American Republican from accepting an appointment to the nations High Court, and derail his nomination. None of the allegations could be substantiated. The deliberate falsehoods did however persuade former Ku Klux Klan Democratic Senator Robert Byrd to change his vote from "yes" for confirmation to "no".

It is so refreshing to see such clear, unbiased, and non-inflammatory reporting, so far removed from the blatant agenda-pushing generally found on Wikipedia. Bravo, Young Earth Creationists, bravo.

No doping in golf?

According to ESPN.com, global golf organizations have developed a unified approach to punishing doping in golf. Before, apparently, you could dope on the Japanese Tour and then just scootch over to the Australian or Korean tours. Now, your shit won't be good anywhere.

"The list of banned substances includes anabolic agents, hormones, stimulants, narcotics, beta blockers and masking agents." The most far-reaching effect of the new ban could be to keep John Daly from smoking cigarettes on the course. In response, John went out and shot 93 and almost died from a heat stroke he couldn't fight off without his cigarette/diet cola elixir.

The View tackles the tough questions facing today's society

Like, whether the world is round or flat. I'm serious, it's contentious, and ends with a belated nod to authority: "JOY BEHAR: You know, didn’t some person already work this question out? I mean, why are we doing this again? (laughter, applause)"

A mass mind-reading tool focused at the audience would be a kaleidoscope of comedy: "*inner monologue during laughter* Who didn't know that Al Gore discovered the world was round in the '80s!"

Thanks to Benny for the tip.

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Abstinence

The Conservapedians have an enlightened approach to just about anything, and by that I mean, when you shine light on their approach, it gets brighter.

Abstinence is a particular nook of the world where their brilliance shines through. If you want to know why not to have sex, consult Conservapedia. If you want to have sex, consult my summer Cohorse, as he's the undisputed sexual champion of the JPSLS.

Conservapedia's entry on abstinence cites to another wonderful website Premaritalsex.info, which is seriously worth a look. Conservapedia lists a dozen or so "benefits of abstinence." I'd like to direct your attention to #6: "Personal freedom for both of you and your (future) marriage partner." By that they must mean the personal freedom not to exercise your sexual freedom, just like the slaves were free to not exercise their personal freedom.

A few others merit a look: "Longer lasting relationship. Premarital sex surprisingly breaks up more dating couples than any other factor." If you're having bad sex, you shouldn't get married though, right? This is in line with JP's tautology: While you wouldn't marry anyone you'd sleep with, hopefully you'd sleep with anyone you'd marry.

"More self-respect and more respect for each others and respected by other people." Yeah, I really respect those hackjobs on library mall screaming for abstinence.

Ok, last one, this could go on forever: "It's a fact that persons and couples who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well." This reminds me of the pot-is-a-gateway-drug theory: It isn't that pot causes people to do other drugs, it's that people who will, in the future, be willing to try other drugs are usually exposed to pot first, and try it. People who are really into sex are likely to have premarital sex and extramarital affairs. These quasi-castrated conservatives, God bless 'em, either settle for awful sex their whole lives or go into a bathroom and try the wide stance.

Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: September

It's that time of the month: We get to present the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award for douchebaggery in Wisconsin politics again!

As some of you may know, JP likes to dabble in commenting on Frank Lasee's blog (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here) and so I feel like I have a lot of knowledge about his platform. By platform, I'm of course not referring to something that holds any weight, but the political notion of having a consistent ideology... fuck, ok, I'll come back to this problem later.

Anyways, the folks over here at Seriatim are proud to announce that Frank Lasee has won the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: September! *frenetic fanatical applause* This month, Frank, it's for your repeated posting on long wait times in other countries with centralized health care.

Missing from any of this brilliant prose is (1) any discussion of the conversion process from private to public health care; (2) any discussion of economic factors that could arise as a result of public health (e.g., funding more doctors) that we could implement to alleviate some of the problems in other countries; (3) any consideration of the fact that, right now, there are lots of people that don't even have delayed health care (they don't have any).

Basically, Frank decides what would make everyone sufficiently similarly situated to Frank Lasee (white, employed, philanderer, crook, selfish, pure blood American) happy, and then he invents some cockamaymee excuse that supposedly justifies it. I don't feel this Dbag award would be complete without touching on the metaphor Frank used this week to say... well, if I knew, I'd tell you:

The Senate Democrats and the Governor want to do the budget either all or nothing. They want the entire budget or they say they are going to let our property tax bills go up. All property taxpayers will pay if they refuse to act.

***

It is a lot like owning a home with the roof leaking, the exterior paint peeling and the yard in disrepair, and saying we won’t work on any of it unless we can fix all of it. The Senate Democrats argue that if we fix the leaky roof, we will never get around to painting or mowing. The Assembly Republicans wisely see the storm on the horizon (increasing property taxes) and want to fix the leaky roof before our looming deadline.

What the hell are you talking about, Frank?

For your extreme douchebaggery in Wisconsin politics, Seriatim presents to you the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month: September.

Previous Winners:
July - Frank Lasee
August - Frank Lasee

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Bodily Organs

Trying, as ever, to be a helpful Conservapedian, the great JP made a few additions to Conservapedia's list of bodily organs to cure some obvious omissions. 'Penis' and 'vagina' aren't on there, and if anything's a bodily organ, they are.

So I added them, under the cleverly-devised guise of OverturnRoeWade.

What did I get for my labors? A ban from some pissant nutjob sysop, accusing me of vulgarity. Fortunately for that dbag, class was ending right as he banned me, so I didn't have any time to IM him (Dr. H.J. Nugz has obtained said sysop's AIM handle) and ask him if he really thinks the words penis and vagina are vulgar. How can God directly create something vulgar? I just don't get it.

Wash your hands

Or don't. CNN is gender biased, as usual, reporting that 1/3 of men fail to wash their hands after using the little boy's room, while only 12% of women don't hand bathe.

Can I just say, why are 2/3 of men washing their hands after they use the bathroom? If you're using the urinal, you only touch one thing: Your own dong. Unless you splatter all over yourself, which should only happen maybe one time in 10 (in which case, 10% of men are washing their hands), what are you washing off? The germs transferred from your zipper to your fingers? Is your johnson really that much more dirty than the rest of your body that, although you touch your face, arms, legs, torso, feet, etc... on a regular basis without washing, as soon as one iota of hand touches a little bit (or a lot bit, if you're well-endowed like Cap'nStatute and I) of peepee, you have to go running for the faucet? Maybe the next time I see a dude take a piddle and walk to the faucet, I'll rub my recently-used-for-urinating hands all over his face.

Law and Hors D'oeuvres

Student groups can be counted on for one thing: self-promotion. One of the biggest self-promotions promulgated by these self-promoters is they buy food their meetings. Correction. They don't actually buy the food. They lobby SBA to give them money so they can enjoy tastey treats and get people to say, 'wow, these guys are benevolent. Surely I will go to their meetings.' Why does SBA do this? Surely it's because every SBA member is also in a student-group.

But back to the food. The groups vary in their self-promotion by the kind of food they serve. Thus, any student's choice of what group they join is based partially on a menu. For example in an e-mail from the SBA dated 9/17/07, we find that the Asian Student group is serving Thai Food at their meeting, and the Animal Defense Fund is serving vegetarian pizza. The Wisconsin International Law Society, however, has decided to break the trend by, instead of serving a delicious potluck of international dishes as they did at all past meetings, serving KFC. http://www.kfc.com/

From the files of Dr. H.J. Nugz

Levance Fields, the University of Pittsburgh's star point guard, was arrested for being disorderly in the strip district. "The officer said Fields punched him in the chest, grabbed his belt and reached for his gun... The officer and his partner used a Taser gun to subdue and arrest Fields."

Fields, it should be noted, is 5'10".

UPDATE: Dr. Nugz reminded me that I should mention the size of Fields' testicles, as the armed police officer is not the bar fight most of us mortals go out seeking.

Whoops!

Christopher Bevan, student government president at Bloomsburg University in Pennsylvania, is getting a lesson in foot-in-mouth from the media this week.

Trying to defend the University's annual "Block Party", he sent an apparently-noticed letter to the "Press Enterprise of Bloomsburg" criticising the local media for having "painted BU students with a broad and negative brush and are both inaccurate and extremely unfair to the thousands of responsible, mature Bloomsburg students who are an asset to the school and this community..." Color JP skeptical, but ok.

Bevan was subsequently arrested for drunk driving last week, blowing nearly .15. Now his story is on cnn.com, which is where I yanked it.

I hope you've all learned something from Mr. Bevan: Condemning varsity mischief is a really awful idea when you're still in school, because we all do it (not necessarily drunk driving; if he had pulled a Frank the Tank and gotten a public intox, the story would've likely been no different), and you'll just make national news when you do as a result.

By your powers combined

Cap'nStatute is here!

Nursing Doctors

A mother with a four-year-old infant is suing the National Board of Medical Examiners to force them to allow her to take long enough breaks during "the Boards", required to become a doctor, so she can "express" breast milk through a pump for her baby.

Is the ability to work for 9 hours with only 45 minutes of break (the current structure of each day of the two day exam) a BFOQ of being a doctor? Let's ask some residents how much break time they get.

Reason #54201 why JP isn't on a journal

I was chillaxing last night with AKen and Cap'n Statute on the back porch. They're both on the John Paul Stevens Law School International Law Journal: AKen is in the management and Cap'n Statute, bless his green-speedo'ed heart, contributes sweat equity.

Cap'n ran into a problem: The article he was assigned to cite check contained a citation to a 15th century Islamic prophetic text of some sort by a guy named So-and-so "the Grandson". Mr. Statute was able to track it down, like any good plebe, but he encountered a problem: The JPSLSILJ requires cite checkers to get the title pages of ancient religious texts to demonstrate that the cite is correct or something. This book had no title page. In fact, according to the Cap'n, you open the cover and it's all full of Arabic text:

"I'm not even sure whether to read it left to right or right to left," complained Statute.

AKen, ubiquitously the expropriator, then asked if Captain looked for a translated version.

"Unless it's not on WorldCat, Google Books, or regular Google, it doesn't exist."

"Well, we'll just cite it like we'd cite the Bible or something," responds the ever-optimistic AKen.

"Oh no," interjects Cap'n, "I think it's much closer to the Talmud or other Islamic texts. We should do it like we would for them."

This is one legal problem I'm happy to say I've responded to by denying cert.

The Perfect Crime

One of my colleagues, Cranny, at the JPSLS recently accepted a job offer to work in London starting sometime next year. Now Cranny is an enterprising young lawyer and, after hearing about check kiting schemes from Business Organizations, always wanted to try to make one of those scenarios fly. Luckily, at a consortium of fellow brilliant legal minds, we found the way to make it happen.

Start up a few checking accounts, get the kiting going, and start making phantom money hand over fist in preparation to leave the country. The day before Cranny flies to the UK, he drives up to Texas, and murders some random dude, taking lots of photographs so he can prove that he was the one who killed the guy. Maybe even off a few people just to be safe.

Then, once he arrives in the UK, they won't extradict him because the UK refuses to send criminals facing the death penalty back to the US. This is why he needs stone cold proof that he committed the murder, because if he doesn't, they can extradict him for the check kiting and he'll be totally fucked when they send him to Texas.

It's tits!

"Now I'm going to suck your feet"

Not exactly what you expect from someone mugging you, but hey, everyone gets their jollies somehow, right?

This guy apparently is a professional mugshot model too.

Courtesy of Dr. Nugz.

"Come on Donny, they were threatening castration!"

Are we gonna split hairs here?

I guess distinguishing between Longhorn fans and Sooner fans isn't exactly splitting hairs, but, well, when castration's down on the table, JP, like the dude, prefers to split.

This Texas fan didn't, though. When he walked into a bar in "Sooner Nation" sporting some Longhorn garb, he began to take some flak from Allen Michael Beckett. Beckett is a Sooner fan with a sordid employment history: "Beckett, a 53-year-old church deacon, federal auditor and former Army combat veteran..." Not only has Beckett administered two of the three human inevitabilities (death & taxes), he could also bless you, and not just when you sneeze. Anyone who spreads their values that thin is probably a stout short of a sixer.

Our unfortunately-Longhorn-garbed hero Brian Thomas started jabbering back, however, and things took a turn for the worst when Beckett started torquing Thomas' no no place:

Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

It took more than 60 stitches to close the wound, and police interviewed Thomas at a nearby hospital emergency room.

I don't know if it's worse that Beckett was willing to engage in Abu Ghirab-esque tactics over football, or that Sooner fans fight by grabbing your nuts. Do they teach proper nut-wrenching technique in the military?

(Lady of the) Night at the Dane?

I went to the Dane with colleagues Dr. Nugz and ONutz last night to watch the football and enjoy some beverage, we started people watching, and soon picked up on a bizarre little situation over by the pool tables.

A quite attractive young lady was playing pool with two dudes who looked like buddies. First, she basically gives dude #1 a lap dance while he's sitting on a chair near the pool table and dude #2 is shooting. Then dude #2 comes over and starts trepidaciously touching her hind end. At this point we're like hmmm... Then the positions reverse: Dude #1 goes to the bathroom and dude #2 gets very similar play. Then, in a really great move, after dude #1 gets back, the girl takes her bra off in the middle of the bar.

What really sealed this story was when the girl went out for a cigarette. The two guys sat down next to each other, fist-pounded, grabbed their coats and hers, and walked out, presumably with her in tow.

As a side note, her cigarette break corresponded with mine, and she spent it doing sign language with a deaf man outside.

Buffalo tragedy

Bills tight end Kevin Everett is still sedated after spinal surgery. It's bad enough that they aren't even going to wake him up for 24 to 48 hours. My legal medical expertise makes me think that they don't want him to wake up so he doesn't move abruptly and set back his spinal surgery.

Fuck, that's a bad injury.

Pour one out for your homeboys

Lots of teenage Mormons are leaving home at a young age to be able to watch TV, use the internet, drink and look at young ladies.

I have to say, this one tugs at my heartstrings. The dude in the story had a secret stash of Die Hard movies. When his parents found them... "they burned them and gave him an ultimatum. Stop watching movies, they said, or leave the family and church for good." And it wasn't even a porno! If I couldn't watch TV, play on the 'net or look at girls in high school... for fuck's sake, I wouldn't get a single joke or be able to, at a quick glance, discern whether the girl walking by is worth another look. Life skillz, folks.

Senatorial Duress?

Everyone's favorite bathroom rendez-vous is back in the news to, like the guiltiest of the guilty, whine, cry, cite to conspiracy, and generally create a stink. Sometimes it's just better to say that no, I don't actually have a wide urination stance, and yes, I was seeking anonymous hedonistic fulfillment.

Not Larry Craig. Larry's lawyer claims that "Sen. Larry Craig should be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea in a sex sting because he was under extreme stress after being hounded by journalists asking questions about his sexuality."

You have to be kidding me. I think Mr. Craig's attorney should take a page from Dr. Nugz and pull out the pants doctrine at the hearing. If your lawyer drops trough and peaces, mooning the whole courtroom, it's an automatic victory.

Michigan

is on their way from funny to sad, and they're somewhere in the middle now. Who'd of thunk that the third-week Michigan-Notre Dame matchup would be a relief to both teams only because at least one of them has to win? Is it the Big Ten that's that bad, or is it just the maize and blue?

All Delicious Things are Bad

What now? Microvewave butter flavored popcorn.

Apparently there's some chemical in there that does bad shit to your body. Color me shocked: The JP always figured that, given the ubiquitously-natural neon yellow shading of the popcorn when it comes out of the 'wave, it had to be good for you. On the bright side, this new outbreak should provide lots of money for both plaintiff and defense lawyers. Keep it up, corps!

Feel-Good Story of the Week

Ohio State fans are engorging themselves on Appalachian State gear. The Buckeyes always pull for the little guy in the Big House.

On a tenuously related note, the JP has been seeing lots of frat boys around the UW campus wearing shirts that say "Wisconsin Dad" or "Wisconsin Grandpa". Besides the initial giggle when you realize that there's no hidden joke there, I guess I don't get it. With any blessing from the Buddha, these tools will knock up some ho and get the fathership they apparently find to be so culturally vogue.

A New Generation in Airplane Repair

Kill goats.

Ironically, in Antitrust, Dr. Nugz and I are discussing the Boeing merger in the '90s, and how Boeing's promises to repair planes in the future played into the analysis. If goat blood fixed planes, it might entirely preclude the need for antitrust law.

"That is the next step," Pop told the Times. "That dog got money. That money is going to be taken away from that dog."

From this stupid dogwill story.

If Your Keg Only Has One Spiggot

then Seriatim's not coming to your party! Welcome to the OctopusTap. Despite its octogonal title, it has a mere four delicious beer delivery devices, and advertises itself as "Great for parties, caterers, rental programs, weddings."

Also, great for getting oh-too-sober law students to attend your party, turning it into a cacophony of bullshit. Hmm...

Quote of the Day

From the ESPN coverage of Chris Benoit. Doctors now think that repeated concussions could have caused Benoit to go sufficiently fucking psycho that he would murder his wife and child, put bibles by their bodies, and then, in an underreported irony, killed himself on the weight bench.

Luckily, several ex-pro wrestlers opened an institute of some sort to convince people that pro wrestling might not be the best career choice. Their rhetoric, however, explains why these dolts picked it originally:

"I think it's the extreme that is in the wrestling industry today," he told reporters. "The human skull is not built to get hit by a chair or something."

And here I've been, all these years, bemoaning the chairs that could improve my life so just by thwacking me in the noggin.

Get the Man a WHHHAAAAAmbulance

George Bush has lots of cryfests at the White House because ihhhtttsss soooo hawwwwwdddd to be the pwwwwesident.

Now, my well of sympathy isn't bone dry: I'm sure there are easier jobs out there (being Ann Althouse, for example) but for Christ sakes man, if Bush were suing under an equitable waahhhh waaahhhh theory, I think the court would bar it on the basis of unclean tears.

Larry Craig May Not Resign

Reports CNN.com.

If he doesn't, Bush will put a fish on his doorstep and five orange pips in his mailbox. If I were Bush, I'd be getting fed up with all these incompetant, scandal-inciting douchebags I've unfortunately apparently surrounded myself with politically. Even Gonzo was getting a little lippy before he left to go personally torture Gitmo detainees. Where's the mf duct tape?

Schnockeritis

Whew. Second day of school, first school day after the last first day of school party, first day in class with a case of schnockeritis. Although, I have to say, the party confabulators were all three at school bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning. God I'm not funny.

Shocking News of the Day

Men want hot women. This isn't even a pun on 'hot', either: I was expecting them to make some point about how men liked women with higher average body tempertures, because then it would qualify as news.

First Day of School at the UWLS

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was scurrying, not even Althouse.

The casebooks were placed by my shoes with great care,
in hope I remember them, with my bus fare.

Ok, that's all I got. I'm 1/2 hour through my first class. Touch me.

The Seventh Circuit's Really Full Of 'Em Today

And again, Easterbrook does us the honor:

Bronson Webster punched Leah Tourtillott in the face five times and, after she collapsed, kicked her in the face five times. The attack broke her nose and the bone around her right eye; it also caused lacerations that a physician concluded would leave prominent facial scars.

With a name like Bronson, I guess you have to kick the shit out of girls to prove to everyone that you don't have a fragile Y chromosome. The only defense to that sort of thing is to plead Shaggy right ("It wasn't me")? Nope. Bronson was a little pissed about his sentence:

Webster maintains that the offense level should have been 16 rather than 18. The range corresponding to an offense level of 16 would have been 46 to 57 months’ imprisonment. The two-level difference depends on the application of U.S.S.G. §2A2.2(b)(3), which prescribes seven offense levels for battery that produces “permanent or life-threatening bodily injury” but only five levels for an attack that causes “serious bodily injury”. According to Webster, Tourtillott’s injuries were “serious” but not “permanent or life-threatening”.

Your honor, when I kicked that girl in the face five times after she collapsed from my punches, I only caused serious injury, not permanent or life threatening injury. There should really be a sentencing enhancement for making arguments on appeal that demonstrate that you're a complete dickfor.

If You Don't Pay Your Filing Fees, Frank Easterbrook Will Eat Your Children

Ok, maybe not, but he will enjoin all pending litigation you've got going until you pay up.

Prince Foryoh was arrested for telephone harassment (although I have to imagine that's the tip of the iceberg) and, like any good guilty criminal, appealed like hell and filed 1983's against all the officers. He tried to proceed in forma pauperis, that request was granted, but then the district court judge sniffed out our pseudo-royal hero's plan:

In another of Foryoh’s suits, his mother gave testimony to the effect that she provides about 90% of his support—including meals, car, college tuition, textbooks, and housing. Foryoh concedes that his mother has provided (and continues to provide) financial support but insists that she is extending loans rather than making gifts. That is not how his mother characterized things, but like the district judge we need not resolve this intrafamilial dispute. Foryoh did not report the value of these “loans” on his affidavit and other filings. In response to a question whether he had received more than $200 from any source in the preceding year, Foryoh neglected to mention his mother’s assistance. So his application for leave to proceed in forma pauperis had a material omission and may well have been perjurious.

So, basically, Prince is a baby, and he can't make any more frivolous lawsuits until he pays the filing fees of an undisclosed amount for the claims that he lied about. He might actually prefer that Easterbrook eat his first born.

Man Killed Golfing at Odana?

Looks like this morning a 75 year old man was hit by lightening and died at Odana Hills Golf Course in Madison. The golf course's director, Ray Shane, had lots of contradictory things to say:

Shane said it is the responsibility of golfers to monitor the weather and take action when it comes severe and dangerous.

Shane said staff members at Yahara Golf Course have and air gun available to alert golfers of severe weather, but that equipment is not available at Odana.

Shane said the golf course's policy on the threat of lightning on the course was reviewed by the city's risk manager and approved two years ago.

So, at other golf courses they have purchased equipment that alerts golfers of severe weather; however, it is the responsibility of the golfers to monitor the weather? Yahara, apparently, has a different view of the situation, or at least enough of a divergent view to motivate them to invest (pittance) in an air gun. It reminds me of a war story my boss told me this morning about how appraisers should never buy malpractice insurance because "it just gets you sued." Unfortunately, Odana Hills isn't judgment-proof, and if they were negligent in allowing this dude to continue golfing (as they, surprise of all surprises, indicate they weren't), it doesn't matter what the city's risk manager, the golf course director, or anyone else other than the court has to say.

Also, Mr. Shane, I hope the fact that you disclosed knowledge of Yahara's more stringent system is used against you: I hate the snarky "I know something bad happened on my watch but I'm going to spout out a bunch of bullshit on why it wasn't my fault" and would be happy to see it used against him.

A Picture is Worth Twelve to Twenty-Four Months

I'm just shamelessly stealing this from Deadspin, but it's really funny.

WILS List-serv update

After four or five bland unsubscribe requests were unwittingly sent to the listserv instead of to the dude specified in the original as the one to contact to unsubscribe, a Wisconsin alum confirms that, like every other year/organization combo, WILS will suck this year:

Please unsubscribe me too please. I graduated 15 years ago. Thanks.

So basically people have been sending their unsubscribe requests to an unspecified number of UWLS alums dating back at least 15 years. List-serv spam: The anti-networking.

Best.Dunk.Ever

Worth checking out from Youtube: Vince Carter dunks over a 7' French dude, and you can see the nuts in the face.

WILS

The Wisconsin International Law Society rang in the new school year with an intellectual bang today by sending out their welcoming email to their unsuspecting membership:

Greetings WILS members:

As the new President of WILS, let me be one of the first of many to welcome you to the 2007-2008 school year. As summer begins to wind down, it's a good time to reflect on the previous year and to look forward to what we hope will be an even better one.

Unfortunately, based on the subsequent replies to the listserv, I'm not convinced that this group will be any better than the last:

From View message header detail yyyyyyyy@xxxxx.com
Sent Thursday, August 23, 2007 10:32 am
To wils@law.wisc.edu
Subject Re: [wils] WILS, 2007-2008

UNSUBSCRIBE! Just kidding. Sophy. Come home.

Maybe this was unintentional, and the unnamed person (who I do not know at all) thought his/her jesting self-exclusion was something to rofl about. I'm hoping for the opposite.

WILS' VP of Internal Affairs, who we'll call Sargent Slaughter, admitted to everyone that no one really wants to be on this listserv in the first place, ironically, in an unintended email that's the whole reason people want out:

From View message header detail S. Slaughter
Sent Thursday, August 23, 2007 11:35 am
To wils@law.wisc.edu
Subject Re: [wils] WILS, 2007-2008

Dude I'm getting so many emails asking me to remove them from the list-serve. So far I've been forwarding them to you, but I'll gladly delete them. Do you know how? I'm taking Evidence, Con Law, Intl. Law, secured transactions and bus orgs.

I think Sarge should change his title to simply the VP of Affairs, because the internal part seems a little tongue-in-cheek by now. Plus, he's taking business organizations at Wisconsin despite the recent departure of Gordon Smith, an unfortunate set of affairs for our hero.

The Gene Pool Chlorine Award of the Week Goes to

three Houston teens who tried to get through the railroad crossing before the train came through. Now, even the JP has skirted dangerously close to running red lights. It happens. Part of driving. When we're talking about literal freight trains though, something one would call an NFL middle linebacker to imply that he's tougher than just calling him an NFL middle linebacker, you can't be too careful.

Witnesses told detectives that the driver went to extreme measures to try to beat the train.

"According to witnesses, as well as the engineer on the train, the driver of the vehicle disregarded the railroad warnings and went through the railroad arms," Coleman said.

The train hit the passenger side of the car and pushed it about 2,000 feet down the tracks before the car caught fire.

Don't worry though: The train was just fine.

The 66 passengers on board the train had no idea what had happened.

"None of them saw anything, heard anything or felt anything," Coleman said.

None of the passengers or crew on board the train was injured.

White Girl Allowed to Educate in Monona!

In a stunning turn of events, a transfer of a white kindergartener that had been previously denied has been approved.

Madison resident Allison Cizek, 5, earlier denied permission to transfer to another school district because she is white, will be allowed to leave under an offer extended late Wednesday by state officials.

As the article briefly mentions, this is not at all a surprising result given our decisions to strike down racially-based districting decisions in Louisville and Seattle this summer (although if Ant tells me one more time that he's the one upholding Brown I'm gonna stick an Italian Sausage where the sun don't shine).

While the JP is a little skeptical about housing diversity stifling educational diversity, this is one case where the child's family's claim makes some sense:

Allison, a shy girl who was never told she was at the center of a legal dispute, now will be allowed to enter kindergarten where she 'd planned to go all along -- Monona Grove, where her mother is an elementary teacher. There 'll now be no need to pay for after-school day care for Allison.

Fairly Silly

Someone over at Fair Wisconsin needs to proofread their mass emails for humanity before they get sent out to enough people that even the JP, already fair and balanced as a freshly-carved gavel, found himself on the recipient list. I'm not even nitpicking about grammar:

Fair Wisconsin Announces Its Fairness Agenda

Did Dr. Seuss write that?

"Sorry Officer, I Lost Track of My Speed"

is one way to respond when pulled over for a traffic violation. Jason Dale, convicted meth user, distributor and conspirator, has a different strat:

While participating in the conspiracy, Mr. Dale exhibited violent behavior. He threatened a number of people with violence to avoid prosecution and had threatened and beaten a former girlfriend whom he suspected of cooperating with law enforcement. Additionally, following an arrest for driving under the influence, Mr. Dale had threatened to kill the arresting officer and to rape the officer’s daughter.

Like how Frank Lasee will never prevail in court in Wisconsin because he's such a dbag, I'd say Mr. Dale should move to a state where the entire law enforcement system doesn't hate him.

Wrong Ride

From United States v. Morris:

On August 15, 2003, Tramayne Peterson was looking for a ride to the mall, when Morris, his cousin, pulled up in a white van. Peterson hopped in. A few blocks later, the men drove past Officer George Valdez, Jr., of the East Chicago police force. Officer Valdez recognized Morris, having seen his picture during that day’s squad briefing. Knowing there was an active bench warrant for Morris’s arrest, Valdez pulled the van over.

According to Peterson’s testimony, he had just finished “rolling marijuana” when Officer Valdez pulled behind the van. As Morris stopped the van, he handed Peterson a grey plastic bag and said, “Take this and run.” Peterson did and Officer Cima DeVilla gave chase. Although Peterson claimed not to know what was in the bag when his cousin handed it to him, as Peterson ran and jumped a fence, “stuff”—beginning with “a white substance” that he “figured . . . to be cocaine”—began to fall out of the bag. Peterson continued to run as a .45 caliber pistol, baggies of marijuana and cocaine, and an electronic scale all tumbled out behind him. Eventually Peterson dropped the bag. After vaulting over a few more fences, he was apprehended by a third officer, Anton West. Meanwhile, Officer Valdez arrested Morris without incident. No additional drugs, firearms, or other contraband was found on Morris’s person or in the van.

I imagine this dude having clown pockets that contraband interminably departs while the cops are on his tail. Too bad he wasn't going to the mall to get his kitchen sink fixed.

Vick Pleads Guilty

reports the Virginian-Pilot.

Wikipedia Wiki-Spotlight: Bias!

Wikipedia is probably the most biased website on the internet. In fact, your libertarian hackjob asshats over at Conservapedia have compiled an ever-growing list of examples of Wikipedia's unencyclopedic entries.

Now the NYTimes is jumping on. Apparently corporations are spending time selectively editing Wikipedia entries for their own benefit. If this doesn't convince you that Conservapedia's the new it girl in the wiki circles, I don't know what will...

Conservapedia is a wiki-based web encyclopedia project with the stated purpose of creating an encyclopedia written from a socially and economically conservative viewpoint supportive of Conservative Christianity and Young Earth creationism. Andrew Schlafly, the site's creator and son of noted conservative Phyllis Schlafly, stated he founded the project because he felt Wikipedia had a liberal, anti-Christian, and anti-American bias.

It's the only unbiased news source left, because not even corporations care enough to edit the bullshit they spew.

The Gene Pool Chlorine Award of the Week Goes to...

the dude whose body was found in the bear cage half-eaten after the beer festival. In his defense, beer and bear are only off by one letter: Could our half-digested hero have merely been looking for the beer cage?

Rattlesnake Fighting

Would Michael Vick have had any legal problems if he were involved in a rattlesnake fighting organization? Bad Newz Snake Holes?

Over in Colorado, some successful gamblers plotted to kill the gambling operator who owed them money. It's hard to tell exactly what went down from the news story though, because it's so awfully written:

Christopher Steelman, 34, and Herbert Beck, 56, are accused of planning out the scheme to collect on a gambling debt. CBI agents said the alleged victim is the owner of Amateur Poker Tour in WheatRidge. Investigators seized documents and records from the business earlier this year. They say the men are involved in an illegal poker operation.

WheatRidge? Anyways, they don't talk about the dudes' plans with the rattlesnake. It does sound quite a bit like the Sherlock Holmes short story The Adventure of the Speckled Band, in which a step-father kills his step-daughters as they're about to get married to avoid paying dowry by secreting a swamp adder into their rooms. Another idea would be to piss the rattlesnake off and launch it into a bedroom or family room or something. Maybe murder by rattlesnake will make a comeback.