Suing Barry Bonds

This lawsuit was brought to you by Jonathan Lee Riches, the same guy who sued Michael Vick for $63 billion. This one's even better.

The named defendants are Barry Bonds, Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron's Bat. The plaintiff is "Jonathan Lee Riches, A/K/A 'Secured Party.'" I'll list the causes of action he's alleging, although I can't copy and paste them because the pdfs on thesmokinggun.com are handwritten by Mr. Riches. That must be the limiting reagent in his litigation: Those things take a long time to write out. The complaint is entitled "Fraud Against Mankind" and, in the alternative, "Batman and Identity Robbin". That last pun is killer.

This is a complaint under Bivens, civil rights violation by the Constitution and the laws of the United States; and Federal tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to; Bat assault, HGH violations, treason, major fraud, skimming the books, illegal moonshine, terrorism, social security fraud, treason, stalking, identity theft, copyright infringement, false information, illegal electronic wiretapping, bad debt.

I feel bad excerpting that part, since the whole thing's like 5 pages long and all equally awesome. Basically, Riches alleges that Selig has been selling Bonds drugs for the last four years operating out of a Steak n' Shake to improve baseball's ratings. Moreover, Bonds once benchpressed Riches against his will, sells steroids to nuns, stores HGH in Hank Aaron's bat (obtained from breaking into Mr. Riches' house; various food items were taken too) which he now uses to inject himself with steroids in the batter's box (and to crack the liberty bell), and he gave mustard gas to Saddam.

Who wouldn't give some body parts to see this guy up against Annie Jay in the courtroom?