And They Say We Don't Need Tort Reform

We here on the Court are quite familiar with the proliferation of frivolous and ridiculous lawsuits.

Who could forget the classic case of United States ex rel. Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282?

"Plaintiff sought leave to proceed in forma pauperis on a complaint filed against defendant chief fallen angel. Plaintiff alleged that defendant had threatened him, caused him misery, impeded his course in life, and generally precipitated his downfall, which injuries, plaintiff alleged, rose to constitutional dimension."

"The court denied plaintiff's prayer for leave to proceed in forma pauperis and ordered that the complaint be assigned a docket number. The court opined that the complaint failed to state a claim for which relief could be granted and found that it failed to allege facts that would support a conventional jurisdictional basis for the maintenance of an action against defendant chief fallen angel."

Since that time, it would seem that people have realized the folly of attempting to obtain personal jurisdiction over otherworldly beings. Then again, maybe not.

The Honorable Ernie Chambers, State Senator from the Great State of Nebraska, has apparently brought suit against God. That's right, God the Almighty himself.

"The defendant in a state senator’s lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He’s everywhere."

While the Mayo case was dismissed largely for lack of personal jurisdiction, probably because Satan can only come to you if you invite him, God is omnipotent and omnipresent and thus, arguably, subject to personal jurisdiction damn near everywhere.

"The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused “fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”

He’s seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty."

It is precisely these sorts of frivolous lawsuits that we need to work to eradicate. God, I've heard, is LOADED. Could you imagine the incredible punitive damages that might be awarded by a runaway jury? Not to mention God's long record of bad behavior (The Black Plague, anyone?), which could very well cause a jury to go completely off the rails.

Don't worry God. Clarince T is firmly in your corner.

Hideously Ugly AND Dangerous! Sounds like a winning marketing strategy to me...

From the first day Mario Batali came sashaying onto the set of his cooking show, I have had a deep-seated aversion to those monstrosities passing themselves off as shoes. I am referring, of course, to Crocs. We've all seen them, occasionally you'll pass an entire family outfitted in a rainbow of these things. I hate them.

Turns out, they aren't just repulsive, they are also hazardous when used in combination with escalators. Yes folks, people are getting their toes ripped off when they wear these squishy pieces of crap on moving staircases. In fact, the Washington Metro subway system even has signs warning people of the hazards of these "shoes".

"In Singapore, a 2-year-old girl wearing rubber clogs -- it's unclear what brand -- had her big toe completely ripped off in an escalator accident last year, according to local media reports.

And at the Atlanta airport, a 3-year-old boy wearing Crocs suffered a deep gash across the top of his toes in June. That was one of seven shoe entrapments at the airport since May 1, and all but two of them involved Crocs, said Roy Springer, operations manager for the company that runs the airport terminal."

Of course, anyone that would wear Crocs in the first place obviously doesn't have much of a sense of personal pride to begin with, so maybe they don't care if their toes get ripped off. In which case I say Good Riddance.

Ode to a TV

I got my television set about a year ago when I moved from Goodwill: $60 and it came with rabbit ears. When I turned it on and there was a moderately discernable picture, I felt like the kid who just robbed the entertainment candy store.

I’ve since learned that the TV is haunted and that the ghost is particularly petulant and not a big fan of me. Numerous times either myself or my former roommate would come home to a turned-on, blaring TV that neither of us had watched for a few weeks. It scared the shit out of a houseguest who thought for sure we were being robbed by the loudest villains ever.

Its location has fluctuated with my mood between the living room and my bedroom, and it doesn’t seem to affect its performance. Occasionally it’ll refuse to turn on for a few days, and it didn’t work a lick from June to August. As I was seriously thinking about going back to Goodwill to get another TV, it started working again, and for two or three blissful days I had actual full-blown television performance.

For the last month or so though, the picture has been fine, but it doesn’t make any noise. I’ve tried everything my worthless law student ass can try as far as fixing it goes, and I’m not very industrious, so I just watch without any sound. This is mostly fine for about 95% of what I like to watch: sports and Jeopardy!, although it has given me an odd set of complaints.

My two biggest problems with Jeopardy! are the fucking clues where they bring on some only-moderately-attractive pseudo-guest reader to read the “answer” instead of putting the words up on the screen and the camera guy who gets tired towards the end of the show and doesn’t pan to the answerer’s mouth fast enough for me to try to lip read the answers.

Sports is enjoyable, because there’s no possibility you’ll hear the blowhards they have commenting these days. It’s kind of refreshing not to have a shit storm of nausea-inducing circular bullshit to have to try to not get stupider from while you watch an event that people who follow it regularly can actually, gasp, form opinions about on their own. If I hear one more knob pronounce, during a football game, that the team with more running yards wins like 75% of the time, I’m going to permanently remove audio as one of my criteria when choosing a television.

I guess I wouldn’t be disappointed if the my TV goblin decided to give me the audio back, but the experience of watching the picture without any cues from the language informs you of how programs direct your attention to certain parts of the screen, and how more awkward shit goes down that I’d never noticed. Like in Jeopardy! right before they go to the breaks all the contestants are on screen acting naturally awkward while robotron Alex is informing the audience for the fifty bajillionith time that they’ll be back after these messages.

Some of it still comes through: They haven’t taken away John Madden’s obnoxious little screenwriter pen thing yet, and every time he does it it reminds me of the SNL skit where OJ draws out ‘I did it’ in football analysis.

I refuse to end this retarded little ramble with a sentence tying this whole experience to a larger theme that purports to explain the essence of human existence. Deal with it.

Fired Judge Blames Elf for Court Mishaps

I haven't had my daily caffeine quota, so I'm not sure how to process this news. Evidently, Luis the elf ("a 'king of kings'") and a longtime friend of former J. Florentina Floro Jr., is responsible for making the other Justices crash their cars and become seriously ill.

Thanks to the ABA for notifying me about this.

Sauce Watch: On Wisconsin!

Everyone's favorite arch-conservative pillar of judicial restraint has made a valuable and delightful discovery. A quaint little store around the corner from my chambers called Moco Market has a build-your-own six-pack deal at a heck of a price, and with a fine selection of excellent local brews. I availed myself of the options and have uncovered some shining examples of what makes Wisconsin truly great.

Blonde Doppelbock, Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

This was a lovely and refreshing summertime libation. Light, sweet, and just a wee bit fruity. Exactly what kind of fruit, you ask? I really couldn't put my finger on it, maybe peach? Hint of mystery fruit aside, I hereby hold this beer to be a nice alternative when you want a nice airy beer to sip on a summer afternoon, but don't want the overwhelming kick of your traditional Hefeweizen. The Blonde Doppelbock offers all of the positive elements I associate with wheat beers, and none of the negative. Couldn't drink it every day, but the one bottle I included in my custom sixer went down reeeeeeal nice.

Staghorn Octoberfest, New Glarus, WI

One of my favorite parts about fall is when all the breweries start rolling out their Octoberfests and Oktoberfests and their Fests of all kinds. I don't recall having encountered this fine submission from New Glarus last year, and I am thrilled that they have decided to jump on the Octoberfest bandwagon. So confident was I that NG would deliver the goods, I allocated 2 of the six spots in the pack for this contender, and I can now say that ruling was not clearly erroneous. It isn't the best Octoberfest I've ever had (last year I was ALL about the Sprecher) but it is a solid and substantial beer. It is dark and full-bodied, with a slightly bitter aftertaste - reminiscent of their Fat Squirrel (this Justice's personal favorite), but with a bit more bite. I vote "Yea".

Holy Moses White Ale, Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland, OH

I mistakenly included one bottle of this in the six pack without realizing it wasn't a Wisconsin beer. I will briefly review it anyway, in the hope that the rest of you won't make the same mistake I did and actually purchase this swill. This beer was...eh. It had a lot of weird flavors going on, and I wasn't diggin it. The fine print on the label says it is made with coriander, orange peel, and chamomile. No wonder it tasted so funky. As my wise co-justice JPS once told me, "Stay away from beers with weird spices". Or something like that. Anyhoo, I give it one and half thumbs down. The remaining half thumb up is because, at 5.4% abv, one bottle (on an empty stomach) gave me a decent buzz.

Rocky's Revenge!, Tyranena Brewing Co., Lake Mills, WI

This beer! Oh, this beer! It was a dark horse contender, but I was so taken in by the charming story on the label of an ancient dragon that lives in the bottom of the lake and terrorizes the villagers, I decided to take the plunge and offer 2 coveted spots to this unknown spoiler. That was a gamble that most decidedly paid off. Rocky's Revenge is a sumptuous brown ale, with a portion aged in bourbon barrels. You can taste juuuuuust a hint of the sweet, smoky bourbon taste under the chocolatey, velvety smoothness of this quality product. The T has long been a fan of Newcastle, the quintessential brown ale, but this is far superior. It tastes like Newcastle would taste if it grew a pair. Every sip was a delight, and a great sense of melancholy descended o'er me when the last drop was drained. Good thing I got two.

Happy drinking!

Either I'm just loopy...

or this is one of the funnier lines in a case I've ever read. From Yauger v. Skiing Enterprises, Inc. (JPSLS students may remember this case from "Contracts: Law in Action I"):

The first case involved an accident during a stock car race at a county race track. The plaintiff, a driver in the race, sustained severe brain damage when, after crashing through the guardrail surrounding the racetrack, racetrack rescue personnel sprayed chemicals into his burning car, creating toxic fumes.

This just kills me. I figured the dude would run into a tree or something. Nope, seems like he made it through the crashing part all well and good. Just couldn't deal with the toxic chemicals they sprayed into his car afterwards. I bet he was like "would you motherfuckers stop spraying me with those toxic chemicals before I get brain damage? I'm fine in here."

Down with Liberal Bias!

Thanks be to the JP for turning me on to the modern marvel that is Conservapedia. While he takes issue with many of their tactics, I wish to applaud them for their totally fair and balanced account of the difficulties I experienced during my confirmation to the Supreme Court. From the Conservapedia page entitled, appropriately enough, "Clarence Thomas":

Radical leftists attempted to block Thomas' nomination to the High Court through a persistent series of public guilt by association smears. Chip Berlet of Political Research Associates noted that Thomas was on the editorial board of the Lincoln Review, a quarterly black conservative publication of the Lincoln Institute. Berlet issued a rather dubious ad hominem attack which claimed "it is a far right group that has worked in coalition with… fascist and anti-Semitic groups," and goes on to “link” Lincoln Institute head J. A. Baker with the Indiana Ku Klux Klan by virtue that Baker is on the board of the Council for National Policy and another board member is supposedly a former Klan member. ^[10]

In a flagrant violation of the rules of the Senate ^[11], staff members ^[12] for a sitting Democratic member of the Judiciary Committee leaked a routine confidential FBI background report to Nina Totenberg of National Public Radio (NPR) ^[13] which contained a vicious defamatory smear intended to mar Thomas for life. The accusation was known to be false, and was concocted to publicly intimidate an African-American Republican from accepting an appointment to the nations High Court, and derail his nomination. None of the allegations could be substantiated. The deliberate falsehoods did however persuade former Ku Klux Klan Democratic Senator Robert Byrd to change his vote from "yes" for confirmation to "no".

It is so refreshing to see such clear, unbiased, and non-inflammatory reporting, so far removed from the blatant agenda-pushing generally found on Wikipedia. Bravo, Young Earth Creationists, bravo.

No doping in golf?

According to ESPN.com, global golf organizations have developed a unified approach to punishing doping in golf. Before, apparently, you could dope on the Japanese Tour and then just scootch over to the Australian or Korean tours. Now, your shit won't be good anywhere.

"The list of banned substances includes anabolic agents, hormones, stimulants, narcotics, beta blockers and masking agents." The most far-reaching effect of the new ban could be to keep John Daly from smoking cigarettes on the course. In response, John went out and shot 93 and almost died from a heat stroke he couldn't fight off without his cigarette/diet cola elixir.

The View tackles the tough questions facing today's society

Like, whether the world is round or flat. I'm serious, it's contentious, and ends with a belated nod to authority: "JOY BEHAR: You know, didn’t some person already work this question out? I mean, why are we doing this again? (laughter, applause)"

A mass mind-reading tool focused at the audience would be a kaleidoscope of comedy: "*inner monologue during laughter* Who didn't know that Al Gore discovered the world was round in the '80s!"

Thanks to Benny for the tip.

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Abstinence

The Conservapedians have an enlightened approach to just about anything, and by that I mean, when you shine light on their approach, it gets brighter.

Abstinence is a particular nook of the world where their brilliance shines through. If you want to know why not to have sex, consult Conservapedia. If you want to have sex, consult my summer Cohorse, as he's the undisputed sexual champion of the JPSLS.

Conservapedia's entry on abstinence cites to another wonderful website Premaritalsex.info, which is seriously worth a look. Conservapedia lists a dozen or so "benefits of abstinence." I'd like to direct your attention to #6: "Personal freedom for both of you and your (future) marriage partner." By that they must mean the personal freedom not to exercise your sexual freedom, just like the slaves were free to not exercise their personal freedom.

A few others merit a look: "Longer lasting relationship. Premarital sex surprisingly breaks up more dating couples than any other factor." If you're having bad sex, you shouldn't get married though, right? This is in line with JP's tautology: While you wouldn't marry anyone you'd sleep with, hopefully you'd sleep with anyone you'd marry.

"More self-respect and more respect for each others and respected by other people." Yeah, I really respect those hackjobs on library mall screaming for abstinence.

Ok, last one, this could go on forever: "It's a fact that persons and couples who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well." This reminds me of the pot-is-a-gateway-drug theory: It isn't that pot causes people to do other drugs, it's that people who will, in the future, be willing to try other drugs are usually exposed to pot first, and try it. People who are really into sex are likely to have premarital sex and extramarital affairs. These quasi-castrated conservatives, God bless 'em, either settle for awful sex their whole lives or go into a bathroom and try the wide stance.

Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: September

It's that time of the month: We get to present the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award for douchebaggery in Wisconsin politics again!

As some of you may know, JP likes to dabble in commenting on Frank Lasee's blog (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here) and so I feel like I have a lot of knowledge about his platform. By platform, I'm of course not referring to something that holds any weight, but the political notion of having a consistent ideology... fuck, ok, I'll come back to this problem later.

Anyways, the folks over here at Seriatim are proud to announce that Frank Lasee has won the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: September! *frenetic fanatical applause* This month, Frank, it's for your repeated posting on long wait times in other countries with centralized health care.

Missing from any of this brilliant prose is (1) any discussion of the conversion process from private to public health care; (2) any discussion of economic factors that could arise as a result of public health (e.g., funding more doctors) that we could implement to alleviate some of the problems in other countries; (3) any consideration of the fact that, right now, there are lots of people that don't even have delayed health care (they don't have any).

Basically, Frank decides what would make everyone sufficiently similarly situated to Frank Lasee (white, employed, philanderer, crook, selfish, pure blood American) happy, and then he invents some cockamaymee excuse that supposedly justifies it. I don't feel this Dbag award would be complete without touching on the metaphor Frank used this week to say... well, if I knew, I'd tell you:

The Senate Democrats and the Governor want to do the budget either all or nothing. They want the entire budget or they say they are going to let our property tax bills go up. All property taxpayers will pay if they refuse to act.

***

It is a lot like owning a home with the roof leaking, the exterior paint peeling and the yard in disrepair, and saying we won’t work on any of it unless we can fix all of it. The Senate Democrats argue that if we fix the leaky roof, we will never get around to painting or mowing. The Assembly Republicans wisely see the storm on the horizon (increasing property taxes) and want to fix the leaky roof before our looming deadline.

What the hell are you talking about, Frank?

For your extreme douchebaggery in Wisconsin politics, Seriatim presents to you the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month: September.

Previous Winners:
July - Frank Lasee
August - Frank Lasee

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Bodily Organs

Trying, as ever, to be a helpful Conservapedian, the great JP made a few additions to Conservapedia's list of bodily organs to cure some obvious omissions. 'Penis' and 'vagina' aren't on there, and if anything's a bodily organ, they are.

So I added them, under the cleverly-devised guise of OverturnRoeWade.

What did I get for my labors? A ban from some pissant nutjob sysop, accusing me of vulgarity. Fortunately for that dbag, class was ending right as he banned me, so I didn't have any time to IM him (Dr. H.J. Nugz has obtained said sysop's AIM handle) and ask him if he really thinks the words penis and vagina are vulgar. How can God directly create something vulgar? I just don't get it.

Wash your hands

Or don't. CNN is gender biased, as usual, reporting that 1/3 of men fail to wash their hands after using the little boy's room, while only 12% of women don't hand bathe.

Can I just say, why are 2/3 of men washing their hands after they use the bathroom? If you're using the urinal, you only touch one thing: Your own dong. Unless you splatter all over yourself, which should only happen maybe one time in 10 (in which case, 10% of men are washing their hands), what are you washing off? The germs transferred from your zipper to your fingers? Is your johnson really that much more dirty than the rest of your body that, although you touch your face, arms, legs, torso, feet, etc... on a regular basis without washing, as soon as one iota of hand touches a little bit (or a lot bit, if you're well-endowed like Cap'nStatute and I) of peepee, you have to go running for the faucet? Maybe the next time I see a dude take a piddle and walk to the faucet, I'll rub my recently-used-for-urinating hands all over his face.

Law and Hors D'oeuvres

Student groups can be counted on for one thing: self-promotion. One of the biggest self-promotions promulgated by these self-promoters is they buy food their meetings. Correction. They don't actually buy the food. They lobby SBA to give them money so they can enjoy tastey treats and get people to say, 'wow, these guys are benevolent. Surely I will go to their meetings.' Why does SBA do this? Surely it's because every SBA member is also in a student-group.

But back to the food. The groups vary in their self-promotion by the kind of food they serve. Thus, any student's choice of what group they join is based partially on a menu. For example in an e-mail from the SBA dated 9/17/07, we find that the Asian Student group is serving Thai Food at their meeting, and the Animal Defense Fund is serving vegetarian pizza. The Wisconsin International Law Society, however, has decided to break the trend by, instead of serving a delicious potluck of international dishes as they did at all past meetings, serving KFC. http://www.kfc.com/

From the files of Dr. H.J. Nugz

Levance Fields, the University of Pittsburgh's star point guard, was arrested for being disorderly in the strip district. "The officer said Fields punched him in the chest, grabbed his belt and reached for his gun... The officer and his partner used a Taser gun to subdue and arrest Fields."

Fields, it should be noted, is 5'10".

UPDATE: Dr. Nugz reminded me that I should mention the size of Fields' testicles, as the armed police officer is not the bar fight most of us mortals go out seeking.

Whoops!

Christopher Bevan, student government president at Bloomsburg University in Pennsylvania, is getting a lesson in foot-in-mouth from the media this week.

Trying to defend the University's annual "Block Party", he sent an apparently-noticed letter to the "Press Enterprise of Bloomsburg" criticising the local media for having "painted BU students with a broad and negative brush and are both inaccurate and extremely unfair to the thousands of responsible, mature Bloomsburg students who are an asset to the school and this community..." Color JP skeptical, but ok.

Bevan was subsequently arrested for drunk driving last week, blowing nearly .15. Now his story is on cnn.com, which is where I yanked it.

I hope you've all learned something from Mr. Bevan: Condemning varsity mischief is a really awful idea when you're still in school, because we all do it (not necessarily drunk driving; if he had pulled a Frank the Tank and gotten a public intox, the story would've likely been no different), and you'll just make national news when you do as a result.