I Smell Dead People

Whenever I'm doing research, there's always some kind of unexpected thread tying cases together (by unexpected, I mean not the thing I just typed in the search box). Like the Richard Scarry yellow bug: not really a main character--just there. So one time, drug-sniffing dogs were appearing everywhere. Another time it was movable ceiling tiles. Lately, it's been the Johnnie Cochran of Wisconsin: Stephen P. Hurley. He represented Georgia Thompson, Scott McCallum, Peg Lautenschlager, and he's currently representing Eugene Zapata, who allegedly murdered his own wife in 1976. (This isn't brand new news, btw, so lower your expectations.)

The state recently decided to reopen Mrs. Zapata's homicide investigation, and cadaver dogs identified two locations connected to Mr. Zapata (a crawl space in their former home and his storage locker) that apparently still smell like dead people. Hurley convinced Judge Fielder that the dogs are unreliable, and so the poor pups weren't even allowed to have their day in court. The jury, in turn, wasn't able to come up with a unanimous verdict.

Just wait, though, Hurley gets famouser still! Madeleine McCann (cute missing British girl)'s parents appear to be in huge trouble for possibly murdering her. Or, at least carrying her around, lifeless, in a rental car. Cadaver dogs went crazy when smelling Mom McCann's clothes and the Portuguese rental car. Understandably PANICKED, the attorneys representing the [still living] McCanns contacted the world-famous cadaver-dog-expert and occasional AGSLS professor, Steve Hurley. At his 608 area code.

We're just three degrees of separation away from People Magazine.

Directories!

The glorious day is almost here!

"Dear Students,

The Directory of New Students is expected to arrive on Friday (possibly Monday),so I'm sending my annual request to all students to clear out your hang files to make room to receive these.

Thanks very much!"

This is when the law school turns from being a meat market to a high-intensity stalking environment. No longer do you have to approach that 1L and ask her what her name is, along with the other BS you don't really care about. You can just scout her out, find that her likes include trips to Europe, and ask her if she wants to go down to Parthenon with you!

Boobies!

I haven't had much the time to blog CNN recently, but this story is a gem. Ohio State Legislator accidentally shows porn to high school class during presentation. Obviously he isn't aware of the Establishment Clause in the US Constitution, which requires separation of schools and no-no spots.

"Bill Belichick is a peeping Tom Brady"

Our favorite plaintiff has returned. Jonathan Lee Riches is now suing Bill Belichick for spying on everything. Very literally. He alleges that Belichik sends Randy Moss to area hospitals to spy on ultrasounds, Foxboro Stadium sells tapes from the bathrooms to Larry Craig, and Tom Brady implanting a listening device in Donovan MacNabb's chunky soup. It's worth a read.

As always, Dr. Nugz is on the trail.

Marmaduke Explained

is back with a vengeance. Apparently Joe Mathlete was merely on a break last week and wasn't so fed up with BOHChris that he decided to off Marmaduke explaining. The man's got heart: As a nerdster on JP's nerdy undergraduate message board put it, "my only role in the whole tragedy has been to leave an angry comment on the twat's blog of hilarity. I propose that he is everything currently wrong with America."

Can't put it any better.

Who will judge the judges?

Good news, fans of judicial integrity! As you are aware, your beloved Clarince T is normally as steady and unflappable as the Original Constitution preserved in its climate-controlled case, but there are a few things that will set my blood to boil. Suggestions that there is any such thing as a "compelling governmental interest" for taking race into account, suggesting there is a right to privacy, suggesting that the Founding Fathers weren't able to psychically predict all of the ways the nation would change over the centuries and plan accordingly, etc. Serious things.

Along these same lines, one thing that really gets my dander up is judges who do things that undermine the integrity and credibility of the entire judicial system. As a proponent of the 1789 rule, I would have no problem with a rule that allowed for the drawing and quartering of the worst offenders. It wouldn't be cruel or unusual in the least, in my sound and reasoned opinion.

As such, I am pleased and delighted to announce that the panel investigating conflicts of interest by newly elected Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice Annette Ziegler is expanding their probe into her shady dealings with the West Bend Savings Bank.

For those of you who are not aware, Ziegler, a former trial level judge in Washington County, presided over a number of cases involving this bank. Although Ziegler's husband sat on the board of directors of this very bank, and Ziegler and her husband applied for and received loans from this very bank, Judge Ziegler declined to recuse herself from any of the cases involving this very bank. Bad, bad Judge.

During the campaign for the open seat on the High Court (widely regarded as one of the dirtiest, nastiest, mud-slingingest judicial campaigns in Wisconsin history), Ziegler steadfastly maintained that she had committed no ethical violations and had no conflict of interest in the West Bend cases. Now that the campaign is over, she has admitted that conflicts did exist.

The Wisconsin Code of Judicial Conduct CLEARLY states that a judge shall recuse [her]self from hearing any case, or, at the very least, disclose the existence of a conflict, whenever "the judge, or the judge's spouse ... is a party to the proceeding or an officer, director or trustee of a party." Um, not a lot of wiggle room here Ziegler.

If the probe reveals that Ziegler did behave unethically, the other 6 Justices of the WSC will hold her fate in their hands. Potential consequences range from reprimand to suspension to removal from the bench.

Though I maintain my support for drawing and quartering (or at least tarring and feathering), I will accept no sanction less severe than booting her off the bench, permanent disbarment, and public humiliation. She deserves no less for tarnishing the image of our sacred profession.

*Thanks to jrv for the heads up.

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: THEY HAVE AKEN!!!

Well, the Supreme Court resumed session today, and, well, eight of us came back to a sad state of affairs. I'm sure you regular Seriatim followers have noticed a dearth of posts coming from Mr. AKen since the end of the last term when this blog began. Well, we thought he was just enjoying a relaxing interterm at the beach with hookers like the rest of us (even RBG: She loves a good lap dance!)

Now we're back in our hallowed halls, but there's no sign of AKen. Again, nobody suspected a thing: He's late a lot, etc... But then we saw the ransom note:

"If yu evur want to cee AKen agan, yu bettr stop ze sekular progressif heje$$$$ from teaking ovur ze wurld. Seighened: Conservapedia."

Well fuck. So I turned to Clarince T and asked what he thought. In a moment of utter brillance, we decided to just play it cool like "Weekend at Bernies": If you're reading this article, please don't tell anyone, but the Conservapedians have AKen. We'll take care of it, just keep it down.

Yet another reason not to shop at Wal-Mart

Nothing sparks public panic quite like the recall of a food product that is a staple of the American diet. I am speaking, of course, about Beef (It's what's for dinner). Topp's Meat Co. has recalled approximately 21.7 MILLION pounds of frozen hamburger in the wake of an outbreak of e. coli sickness across the Northeast. The first instance of sickness occurred nearly 6 weeks before the issuance of the recall, which is understandably making people pretty pissed.

The meat in question was made in late June and July. The E. coli in the hamburger beef began sickening people in August. It took nearly six weeks before the first recall was issued.

"We don't understand why it took so long to recall this meat. If there was a victim in August, it should have been revealed weeks ago," said Jean Halloran of the Consumers Union.

Apparently, Wal-Mart is the only retailer in the state of Wisconsin that carries this particular brand of beef. Although there have been no reports of e. coli linked to this beef in Wisconsin, those of us that are smart enough to avoid Wal-Mart altogether have nothing to worry about.

Don't make me say I told ya so.

Profiles in Awesomeness: AKen

Hear ye, Hear ye, Court is now in session!

SCOTUS kicks off its new term today, and there are a lot of hot-button issues on deck. People that care are waiting with bated breath to see if the most recent additions to the Court, now that they've had some time to settle in, will be able to successfully swing the Court back hard right and stop the accursed secular-progressive juggernaut from damning the soul of our great nation.

According to some really smart people, the fate of the world hinges on the mysterious and unpredictable whims of our very own Justice Kennedy.

"It's hard to understate the significance of Justice Kennedy," said Douglas Kmiec, a onetime Justice Department lawyer in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations, who now teaches law at Pepperdine University.

"The problem for both the more liberal side of the court and the more conservative side is that neither fully understands Justice Kennedy," he added. "They work rather conscientiously at trying to understand his perspective, and winning him over."

Despite CJ Roberts' ambitious goal of a cohesive and unanimous Court, last term saw more 5-4 decisions than we have seen in years, and Kennedy was in the majority in every single one. This basically means that HUGELY important issues are being decided by a single person, a state of affairs that makes me pretty nervous.

A number of other wild card factors are also present this term, which could make for a tumultuous and unpredictable judicial season.

Beyond the caseload, the individual dynamics among justices on the high court's bench could also play out along interesting storylines, among them:

The health scare involving 52-year-old Chief Justice John Roberts, hospitalized in July with a still-unexplained seizure: Can he cast aside any concerns over his still-developing leadership skills?

The ageless 87-year-old John Paul Stevens, leader of the more liberal wing of the court: Can he hold together a loose left-leaning coalition?

The newest justice, Samuel Alito: Will he remain a reliably conservative vote as he begins his second full term?

Lesser-known Justices David Souter and Stephen Breyer: Will they emerge as key behind-the-scenes players on a range of hot-button cases?

In spite of all the uncertainty and apprehension hovering over the bench like a storm cloud, I am very excited about what this term might hold, and am crossing my fingers that any surprises that might occur end up being favorable to my position. Stay tuned. It could get interesting.

Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Rejoicing in Murder

Another campus shooting: A University of Memphis student was shot in his car around 10pm last night. Rumor has it he was a football player, although the University is waiting to release his name. They will say, though, that the incident "may have involved a current or former football player."

Over at Conservapedia, they sit in their little studio apartments on the internet 18 hours a day waiting for stuff like this to go down because they feel it supports their position that sitting in your apartment all day (with the occasional wide-stance fling in the airport) is the proper, moral way to live your life. I'm usually not this reductively nasty about the morons over there, but this headline pissed me off. From the Conservapedia main page:

"UNIVERSITY OF MEMPHIS LOCKED DOWN AFTER STUDENT ATHLETE REPORTEDLY IS SHOT DEAD OUTSIDE DORM More depravity on another of our college campuses! Secular-progressive movement claims another victim."

Yeah you fucking numbskulls, it's the "secular-progessive movement" that's pulling the triggers around here. Don't you have any shame about turning someone's murder, that nobody knows anything about yet, into knee-jerk advocation of your policy? Should Seriatim start the "this troop died *insert picture here* so we should obviously not be in Iraq" section? Have some respect for the sort of shock this thing entails, you fucking scumbags.

Whew

The Seriatim yellow alert has been removed in honor of Joe Mathlete's return to Marmaduke explanation. The alert level is now puke-colored, because it's Monday.

Over here at Seriatim we were getting nervous that those idiots over at the Blog of Hilarity (hey BOHChris, I'm not linking to you, neeneer neeneer neeneer) had pissed Joe off to the point where he didn't feel like explaining Marmaduke was any longer worthwhile. Luckily, Joe has tough skin, tough enough even to take on one of the Sunday strips, which are particularly retarded.

Whew.