This lawsuit was brought to you by Jonathan Lee Riches, the same guy who sued Michael Vick for $63 billion. This one's even better.
The named defendants are Barry Bonds, Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron's Bat. The plaintiff is "Jonathan Lee Riches, A/K/A 'Secured Party.'" I'll list the causes of action he's alleging, although I can't copy and paste them because the pdfs on thesmokinggun.com are handwritten by Mr. Riches. That must be the limiting reagent in his litigation: Those things take a long time to write out. The complaint is entitled "Fraud Against Mankind" and, in the alternative, "Batman and Identity Robbin". That last pun is killer.
This is a complaint under Bivens, civil rights violation by the Constitution and the laws of the United States; and Federal tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to; Bat assault, HGH violations, treason, major fraud, skimming the books, illegal moonshine, terrorism, social security fraud, treason, stalking, identity theft, copyright infringement, false information, illegal electronic wiretapping, bad debt.
I feel bad excerpting that part, since the whole thing's like 5 pages long and all equally awesome. Basically, Riches alleges that Selig has been selling Bonds drugs for the last four years operating out of a Steak n' Shake to improve baseball's ratings. Moreover, Bonds once benchpressed Riches against his will, sells steroids to nuns, stores HGH in Hank Aaron's bat (obtained from breaking into Mr. Riches' house; various food items were taken too) which he now uses to inject himself with steroids in the batter's box (and to crack the liberty bell), and he gave mustard gas to Saddam.
Who wouldn't give some body parts to see this guy up against Annie Jay in the courtroom?
Friday
We're Fucked
And that's the royal we, and it includes you, too. Have you ever seen the zombie movies where only one Jack-Bauer-esque hero is allowed to survive the packs of flesh-hungry undead roaming like dementors?
Prepare for a Russian zombie fest.
Miranda's Such a Fickle Mistress
For some reason, William Dennis appealed his conviction for federal firearms violations. Mr. Dennis, along with his buddy Cruz, agreed to buy some guns for an undercover agent claiming to be a drug dealer needing guns to protect his stash. The agent paid them $3,100 to get on a train from Illinois to Tennessee, buy guns, and bring them back taped to their chests. Besides the obvious difficulty of a discharge in the crotch region (if two things don't mix, they are crotches and firearms), they got apprehended before they even left by the FBI. Mr. Dennis didn't want anything to do with Ms. Miranda:
Following his arrest, Dennis waived his Miranda rights. He admitted to Labno and ATF Task Force Officer Matthew Gainer that he had agreed to travel to Tennessee with Cruz to purchase firearms and to transport the guns back to Illinois. He also acknowledged that he believed Special Agent Labno was a drug dealer. He further
stated that had he not been arrested, he would have boarded the train, traveled to Tennessee, and helped Cruz purchase and transport the firearms. Dennis also admitted that he had traveled with Cruz and the CI to Tennessee in November of 2004, knowing that the trip’s purpose was to acquire firearms for an individual to whom Cruz had sold weapons previously. He explained that he had traveled with Cruz and the CI on the November trip because he had a valid driver’s license, unlike Cruz and the CI.
Fuck man, why don't you tell them where the pot stash in your room is, and have them get on the phone with your wife and let her know about the nice young lady three houses down you've been dinking.
Following his arrest, Dennis waived his Miranda rights. He admitted to Labno and ATF Task Force Officer Matthew Gainer that he had agreed to travel to Tennessee with Cruz to purchase firearms and to transport the guns back to Illinois. He also acknowledged that he believed Special Agent Labno was a drug dealer. He further
stated that had he not been arrested, he would have boarded the train, traveled to Tennessee, and helped Cruz purchase and transport the firearms. Dennis also admitted that he had traveled with Cruz and the CI to Tennessee in November of 2004, knowing that the trip’s purpose was to acquire firearms for an individual to whom Cruz had sold weapons previously. He explained that he had traveled with Cruz and the CI on the November trip because he had a valid driver’s license, unlike Cruz and the CI.
Fuck man, why don't you tell them where the pot stash in your room is, and have them get on the phone with your wife and let her know about the nice young lady three houses down you've been dinking.
Talk is Cheap
And so is writing for that matter. Whether your prose refers to the new Lexus or a beat-up Pinto ready to kill everyone inside upon rear-end collision, it doesn't cost any more to print it out. The equanimity of the word is paramount to the even keel of JP's judicial soul.
Unfortunately, building shit is not cheap. One person who's learning the difference the hard way is J.K. Rowling. She met with Disney about opening a Harry Potter theme park. Her ideas, while imaginative, don't fare so well when they don't all cost the same:
Rowling's vision supposedly was that each person would enter through the Leaky Cauldron, tap on a brick, gain access to Diagon Alley, then proceed to a platform in a version of King's Cross station and take a train to Hogwarts. Disney figured it would have had to build multiple Leaky Cauldron entrances to cycle in small groups every two minutes. Admission to the attraction envisioned by Rowling would have run north of $800 per person. Disney's thought it might be able to drive the cost down a bit to make it comparable to Anheuser-Busch's Discovery Cove, where folks pay a few hundred bucks to swim with dolphins. But in the end, Disney and Rowling could not come to terms.
Yeah, I don't think the $800/pop theme park is going to get very far.
Unfortunately, building shit is not cheap. One person who's learning the difference the hard way is J.K. Rowling. She met with Disney about opening a Harry Potter theme park. Her ideas, while imaginative, don't fare so well when they don't all cost the same:
Rowling's vision supposedly was that each person would enter through the Leaky Cauldron, tap on a brick, gain access to Diagon Alley, then proceed to a platform in a version of King's Cross station and take a train to Hogwarts. Disney figured it would have had to build multiple Leaky Cauldron entrances to cycle in small groups every two minutes. Admission to the attraction envisioned by Rowling would have run north of $800 per person. Disney's thought it might be able to drive the cost down a bit to make it comparable to Anheuser-Busch's Discovery Cove, where folks pay a few hundred bucks to swim with dolphins. But in the end, Disney and Rowling could not come to terms.
Yeah, I don't think the $800/pop theme park is going to get very far.
Thursday
The First Half of a Week in the Life of Frank Lasee
Frank's had a busy week working on policy.
On Monday, he claimed a proposed tax on packs of cigarettes demonstrated Wisconsin is not serious about putting the costs of smoking on smokers. Dubious, perhaps, but in light of the rest of the ooze he secreted in the following days, it seems like we should rename the Nobel Prize the Lasee Award for this one.
Tuesday he distinguished between illegal aliens and illegal immigrants in a post he likes to call "Ideas matter." How cute, Frank. The physical homes for these so-called ideas, however, only matter if Frank likes you:
Illegal aliens take what they can get and then go home. Illegal immigrants want to build a life in their new home. They have very different needs, wants and attitudes. Their children (millions of them in both groups) in our schools have distinctly different attitudes.
These are two distinctly different groups of illegals. Which isn’t part of the debate concerning illegals in our country.
Did anyone else know you could so neatly reduce the immigration issue to an obvious distinction between the evil immigrants and the good immigrants? If not, now you know the analytic powers Mr. Lasee can brandish.
Don't think he let down on Wednesday, either. His post, entitled "Taxpayer babies," criticizes Wisconsin for funding births. When you get out of bed tomorrow morning, take a good look at the side of your head, and remember that Mr. Lasee would prefer it be dented from low-quality care.
Frank really came on strong today though, posting on "So Called 'Healthy Wisconsin.'" I just have to excerpt:
Who would make the decisions of what is necessary and convenient?
The following people will. They are to be selected by the Governor and confirmed by the Senate to serve 6 year terms:
(a) labor or union coalitions (4 members),
(b) business and employer organizations (4 members),
(c) public school teacher labor organizations (1 member),
(d) small business organizations (1 member),
(e) farmers (2 members),
(f) self−employed person (1 member), and
(g) health care consumer organizations (3 members),
These are the 16 people who will decide whether or not you can have a procedure your doctor recommends, how long you will wait for it, how much the medical providers will be paid, and how much you and your employer will pay for health coverage.
Who is missing from this list? There are no doctors, no nurses, no hospitals, no medical professionals on the Board or anyone with medical claims paying experience.
These are the 16 people who will decide whether or not you have a procedure your doctor recommends... but... where are the doctors? They're the ones making the recommendations you dolt. This committee isn't replacing the health care profession: They're just acting as a surrogate public insurance review board. Normally, that job goes to the lawyers who represent the insurance company re: coverage.
Frank, I mentioned in my comment last night that you should take today off. Obviously you weren't able to pull yourself away from the romparoom this morning, so I suggest you take tomorrow and go on a nice vacation. Take two weeks, hell, take the rest of your term. We promise, like The Dude, Wisconsin will abide.
Jumping Off Monona Terrace
and into Lake Monona. According to the Wisconsin State Journal, youngsters have jumped off the edge of the patio looking over Lake Monona from Monona Terrace on two occasions.
Twice this summer, and at least a few times in years past, young people have used the top of Madison's Wright-inspired Monona Terrace as a launching pad, jumping from beyond the guardrail on the rooftop patio into Lake Monona in a perilous, 60-foot drop.
The JP thinks the WSJ is stirring young daredevils into a frenzy.
Coming on the heels of a jump by two other young men less than a month ago, the latest leap could signal an increase in the popularity of the stunt — a prospect that worries police and Monona Terrace staff.
Increased popularity, high danger, pissing off police and staff, check, check, check for any riskophile.
Although Martin and Howell weren't hurt, Terrace staffers note jumpers can be injured when they hit the water, which is about 30 feet deep below the outermost point of the terrace patio.
30 feet deep? We'll be fine. You also get the chance to play a little cops-and-robbers:
Monona Terrace also has 24-hour video surveillance that can help catch trespassers, staff said. In the two most recent incidents, the cameras captured images of the men on the roof before they jumped and again in the lake where they were picked up, with shots close enough to identify the boats.
"People are going to get caught if they try to do this," terrace spokeswoman Fran Puleo said.
Gauntlet thrown down? Check. I'll see you guys on the patio.
Wednesday
Bloons
Maybe everyone else heard about this already, but I just completed Bloons. Really fun. At Ninja Kiwi's website, there's also 50 "More Bloons" and some other stuff. Worth your work time.
Madison: The Movie?
There's a trailer on YouTube. Looks like the screenplay follows Michael who returned from the war in Iraq and wanted to recapture the halcyon days of yore in Madison, where he spent his college years. Unfortunately, shit goes down; dude has PTSD; special effects leave something to be desired (the skyline of the city blowing up looks like when I shoot a red bomb in Bloons; general specialness).
Comment on the Madison locales you can spot though: The only one I'm sure of is when he's standing on State St. in front of the dripping liquor store sign and the bus is coming.
Via Oberlizzle.
Comment on the Madison locales you can spot though: The only one I'm sure of is when he's standing on State St. in front of the dripping liquor store sign and the bus is coming.
Via Oberlizzle.
The Constitutionality of Eating Horses
Not precisely, but it makes a flashier headline than something legal, aka boring, about injunctions pending appeal.
Cavel International v. Madigan is one of the best Seventh Circuit opinions to come out this summer. Cavel is just some ordinary joe schmo business producing horsemeat for human consumption. Most Americans don't like horsemeat, though, so all of Cavel's horse-ventory is shipped to Europe, where apparently the people are more religiously confident that if it were actually morally wrong to eat horses, God almighty wouldn't have chosen to construct them out of meat, but I digress.
Illinois sniffed out Cavel, though, and passed the "Illinois Horse Meat Act." Surprise surprise, no more slaughtering horses in Illinois either for consumption there or for exportation. Looks like Cavel's race has been run.
But no, they challenge valiently in the Fifth Circuit (the procedure is a little janky, I promise, I'm rushing to the white meat), where they are told that their quest for an unconstitutional disposition is molar-deep in the horse's mouth. They appeal, of course, claiming it was their foot, not their case, in the horse's mouth, and the Seventh Circuit opinion takes up the injunction against enforcement of the statute pending Cavel's appeal of the negative judgment. Whew.
Posner, writing for the majority, is apparently a horse meat aficionado:
The only ground that Illinois advances for the horsemeat amendment is “public morality.” The state has a recognized interest in the humane treatment of animals within its borders, and we can assume that this interest embraces the life of the animals and not just a concern that they not be killed gratuitously or in a painful manner. But as we noted earlier, the Illinois statute does not forbid the killing of horses, but only the killing of them for human consumption of their meat. If Cavel could (as apparently it cannot) develop a market for its horsemeat as pet food, there would be no violation of the statute. So it is possible that the burden that the statute places on the foreign commerce of the United States is not offset by a legitimate state interest, in which event the statute is unconstitutional.
If Dicky P has to go to the pet food aisle to get his horse meat marinated in whatever the disgusting shit is they put in pet food cans, hey, he's a loyal man. Also, the implicit "my dog can eat it but I can't?" is a nice strike against narrow tailoredness, especially since most dogs eat poo.
Judge Easterbrook, really a pork guy, wasn't amused in his dissent. He thinks Cavel should've been required to make a stronger showing that they could win on the merits since the Fifth Circuit has already denied their claim:
So I ask (as my colleagues do not) whether plaintiff has made out a “strong showing” that this court is likely to reverse on the merits. It has not done so... That no one in Illinois wants to eat horse flesh means that all of Cavel’s product is exported, but this does not convert a law regulating horse slaughter (an intrastate activity) into one that discriminates against commerce.
The Nor'Easterbrook v. Richard "Not a" Pos(n)er in a Seventh Circuit clash of the titans sure to create a sixth great lake. The issue of Illinois' horse consumption is clearly the sticking point.
However, in a little nod to his economically-minded colleague, Gregg substitutes some game theory lingo in for common sense, a move Mr. Monahan will undoubtedly appreciate:
Almost all laws cause injury; very few statutes are Pareto-superior (meaning that no one loses in the process, and at least some people gain).
Yes big E, most laws stop someone from doing something they'd otherwise like to.
Cavel International v. Madigan is one of the best Seventh Circuit opinions to come out this summer. Cavel is just some ordinary joe schmo business producing horsemeat for human consumption. Most Americans don't like horsemeat, though, so all of Cavel's horse-ventory is shipped to Europe, where apparently the people are more religiously confident that if it were actually morally wrong to eat horses, God almighty wouldn't have chosen to construct them out of meat, but I digress.
Illinois sniffed out Cavel, though, and passed the "Illinois Horse Meat Act." Surprise surprise, no more slaughtering horses in Illinois either for consumption there or for exportation. Looks like Cavel's race has been run.
But no, they challenge valiently in the Fifth Circuit (the procedure is a little janky, I promise, I'm rushing to the white meat), where they are told that their quest for an unconstitutional disposition is molar-deep in the horse's mouth. They appeal, of course, claiming it was their foot, not their case, in the horse's mouth, and the Seventh Circuit opinion takes up the injunction against enforcement of the statute pending Cavel's appeal of the negative judgment. Whew.
Posner, writing for the majority, is apparently a horse meat aficionado:
The only ground that Illinois advances for the horsemeat amendment is “public morality.” The state has a recognized interest in the humane treatment of animals within its borders, and we can assume that this interest embraces the life of the animals and not just a concern that they not be killed gratuitously or in a painful manner. But as we noted earlier, the Illinois statute does not forbid the killing of horses, but only the killing of them for human consumption of their meat. If Cavel could (as apparently it cannot) develop a market for its horsemeat as pet food, there would be no violation of the statute. So it is possible that the burden that the statute places on the foreign commerce of the United States is not offset by a legitimate state interest, in which event the statute is unconstitutional.
If Dicky P has to go to the pet food aisle to get his horse meat marinated in whatever the disgusting shit is they put in pet food cans, hey, he's a loyal man. Also, the implicit "my dog can eat it but I can't?" is a nice strike against narrow tailoredness, especially since most dogs eat poo.
Judge Easterbrook, really a pork guy, wasn't amused in his dissent. He thinks Cavel should've been required to make a stronger showing that they could win on the merits since the Fifth Circuit has already denied their claim:
So I ask (as my colleagues do not) whether plaintiff has made out a “strong showing” that this court is likely to reverse on the merits. It has not done so... That no one in Illinois wants to eat horse flesh means that all of Cavel’s product is exported, but this does not convert a law regulating horse slaughter (an intrastate activity) into one that discriminates against commerce.
The Nor'Easterbrook v. Richard "Not a" Pos(n)er in a Seventh Circuit clash of the titans sure to create a sixth great lake. The issue of Illinois' horse consumption is clearly the sticking point.
However, in a little nod to his economically-minded colleague, Gregg substitutes some game theory lingo in for common sense, a move Mr. Monahan will undoubtedly appreciate:
Almost all laws cause injury; very few statutes are Pareto-superior (meaning that no one loses in the process, and at least some people gain).
Yes big E, most laws stop someone from doing something they'd otherwise like to.
Tuesday
A Line You May Not Want On Your Resume
I found it scouring the net, it's from a non-lawyer, and I doubt they know the abuses coming out of the ideas of constructive notice, consent, or waiver (among others):
I strive every day to constructively put the well-being of others before myself while maintaining a high level of self-awareness and focus on self-improvement.
I strive every day to constructively put the well-being of others before myself while maintaining a high level of self-awareness and focus on self-improvement.
The World's Just a Computer Simulation, Man
NYTimes has a piece about the probability that we're living in a computer simulation.
Dr. Bostrom assumes that technological advances could produce a computer with more processing power than all the brains in the world, and that advanced humans, or “posthumans,” could run “ancestor simulations” of their evolutionary history by creating virtual worlds inhabited by virtual people with fully developed virtual nervous systems.
Dr. Bostrom goes on to estimate that the chances of this actually being the case are 20/80, based on his gut feeling.
The JP has thought, and even written, about this idea before, but more from an experimental perspective. If we could trace the world back to the starting point of life and run simulations based on all sorts of different information, we could induce some of the starting conditions for life on the basis of the results of these models. We could also model political issues by modeling how the world would look at different times under different organizational policies.
It’s unsettling to think of the world being run by a futuristic computer geek, although we might at last dispose of that of classic theological question: How could God allow so much evil in the world? For the same reason there are plagues and earthquakes and battles in games like World of Warcraft. Peace is boring, Dude.
Starcraft 4eva
Dr. Bostrom assumes that technological advances could produce a computer with more processing power than all the brains in the world, and that advanced humans, or “posthumans,” could run “ancestor simulations” of their evolutionary history by creating virtual worlds inhabited by virtual people with fully developed virtual nervous systems.
Dr. Bostrom goes on to estimate that the chances of this actually being the case are 20/80, based on his gut feeling.
The JP has thought, and even written, about this idea before, but more from an experimental perspective. If we could trace the world back to the starting point of life and run simulations based on all sorts of different information, we could induce some of the starting conditions for life on the basis of the results of these models. We could also model political issues by modeling how the world would look at different times under different organizational policies.
It’s unsettling to think of the world being run by a futuristic computer geek, although we might at last dispose of that of classic theological question: How could God allow so much evil in the world? For the same reason there are plagues and earthquakes and battles in games like World of Warcraft. Peace is boring, Dude.
Starcraft 4eva
Library Mall Anyone?
From Bits & Pieces via For Your Entertainment via Mr. Monahan on Plans. This would be a really fun game.
Another Pro Wrestler Drops Dead
This time it was Brian Adams, not to be confused with Canadian rocker Bryan Adams.
The police probably went a little overboard with their early conclusions:
He showed no visible signs of injury and foul play was not suspected, police spokeswoman Janelle McGregor said.
Internal failure caused by shooting yourself in the ass with steroids over the course of years is foul play in my book.
The police probably went a little overboard with their early conclusions:
He showed no visible signs of injury and foul play was not suspected, police spokeswoman Janelle McGregor said.
Internal failure caused by shooting yourself in the ass with steroids over the course of years is foul play in my book.
Monday
Morse v. Frederick redux
Our young hero with the 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' sign was obviously just claiming that Big Ben rings 4 Jesus. It's, you know, one of those British-American things.
Tommy Thompson's Out
Due to his sixth-place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll, after canvassing all of the state's 99 counties, Tommy Thompson has officially withdrawn from the Presidential race. *cue the 'awwhhhhhh'* His reaction was surprisingly surprised:
Thompson told a reporter this morning that the disappointing finish was like being hit by a Mack truck, according to WITI-TV in Milwaukee.
Respectfully Mr. Thompson, I think a Mack truck is a particularly poor choice of analogies. According to the finely-tuned 27 WKOW Madison webpoll, 87% of voters said the chances of Thompson continuing his campaign after the Straw Poll was "Not a chance," as opposed to "Maybe if he wins the darn thing" and "I think so". What you were hit by, Mr. Thompson, was the vacuum of the paucity of your political capital, the nothing where there should've been something. Your clumsily-worded defeat, however, is awkwardly appropriate for the interment of an awkwardly inappropriate ambition.
Thompson told a reporter this morning that the disappointing finish was like being hit by a Mack truck, according to WITI-TV in Milwaukee.
Respectfully Mr. Thompson, I think a Mack truck is a particularly poor choice of analogies. According to the finely-tuned 27 WKOW Madison webpoll, 87% of voters said the chances of Thompson continuing his campaign after the Straw Poll was "Not a chance," as opposed to "Maybe if he wins the darn thing" and "I think so". What you were hit by, Mr. Thompson, was the vacuum of the paucity of your political capital, the nothing where there should've been something. Your clumsily-worded defeat, however, is awkwardly appropriate for the interment of an awkwardly inappropriate ambition.
The WSJ
appears to be mentally MIA this fine Monday morning. For some unknown reason, they're doing a spot on the intersection of bluegrass music and riding on trains. As in, you listen to some bluegrass music and then take a 40-minute train ride. Wow. While not every day do breaking stories grace Southern Wisconsin journalists, they should probably stop consulting high-school-wannabe-poets for their titles:
Train and twang attract a gang
I read that and I thought the band Train was doing a performance with a country singer and the Hell's Angels showed up.
Train and twang attract a gang
I read that and I thought the band Train was doing a performance with a country singer and the Hell's Angels showed up.
The E-Cigarette?
Just when you thought every possible word had already been tagged with a silly "E" or "I" prefix, we've lost cigarettes, too, to the monocharactorial affixation affectation.
Inhale, and the Ruyan -- powered by a Motorola chip -- turns the nicotine into smokelike vapor. "We don't claim smoking cessation, just smoking substitution," says Scott Fraser, vice president of Golden Dragon subsidiary SBT, which came up with the Ruyan.
Is nothing sacred? The JP doesn't want to have to remember the days before E-Food and I-Sex.
Inhale, and the Ruyan -- powered by a Motorola chip -- turns the nicotine into smokelike vapor. "We don't claim smoking cessation, just smoking substitution," says Scott Fraser, vice president of Golden Dragon subsidiary SBT, which came up with the Ruyan.
Is nothing sacred? The JP doesn't want to have to remember the days before E-Food and I-Sex.
In PGA Championship News:
John Daly tied for 32nd and received a cool $34,700 for his efforts. The guys one shot ahead of him made $51k. Getting pissed over a missed putt or a dinked chip is both financial and emotional. In the immortal words of Dr. Nugz, John Daly's money isn't gonna gamble itself.
Sidenote: Tiger Woods won, albeit smoking about 80 fewer Marb Reds and drinking 60 fewer cans of Diet Coke.
Sidenote: Tiger Woods won, albeit smoking about 80 fewer Marb Reds and drinking 60 fewer cans of Diet Coke.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)