Captain Statute Salutes McBalls

So you want to be a lawyer?

The first step is to go to law school. Introducing John Paul Steven’s Law School Dean of Admissions, McBalls. McBalls went to law school but is not a lawyer (he shares much in common with the future Cap’n Statute.). McBalls is from Montana. He came to John Paul Stevens in 2002, and was very popular. He was involved in student government, athletics, and other activities. The most powerful thing about McBalls is that he has access to every applicant’s ‘character and fitness,’ report. If you ever did anything wrong in your life, McBalls knows about it. He does not care, but he knows.

McBalls decides who comes to Law School and who does not. Nobody knows how he makes these decisions. McBalls applies a heightened level of scrutiny to all John Paul Stevens applicants. Among the many factors he considers are grades, your Undergraduate Institution, legacy, affirmative action, the weather, magic 8 ball, your cover letter, and LSAT scores. Many of these criteria are arbitrary and nonsensical, like the 8-ball, which is slightly more predictive of your future performance as a law student than the LSAT. McBalls values diversity, but all new applicants have one thing in common: they are all ridiculously good looking.

Yes, it’s true. The new 1st year class has arrived, and whether it is warm weather, the aphrodisiacal effects of studying tort law, the fact that that they have not been around long enough for us to think of them as anything but sex objects, or the fact that they have not known us long enough to realize what herbs we are, every boy and girl in the 1st year class is on the auction block for upperclassmen. Get ‘em while they’re hot! The Cap’n has seen several of his classmates out on dates with the neophytes, or drunkenly chatting them up at the bars. I remember this happened to me in my first year as well. More upperclass law school girls hit on me in my first week of law school, than there are girls who have hit on me, my entire life. True story. Then somewhere along the line I lost my novelty. No one wants me anymore, so I turn to the 1st years.

So much of what they say about the Cycle of Law School is true. McBalls chose the class carefully, making sure they were all good looking and would inject the school with some life. But it’ll be drained out of them soon, too. Then we won’t be attracted to them anymore. In a year, they’ll be just like us, a year older, and desperately hitting on that younger class of people who still haven’t had their life-forces sucked out by law school, and can still hold interesting conversations that have NOTHING to do with law. All good things come to an end. In the meantime, it’s time to kick back and enjoy them like the last warm days in Autumn. Thank you, McBalls! Cap’n Statute salutes you!