Breaking News on CNN: No cancer found in Bush's colon

Although, in a lesser-publicized finding, Bush's doctors were surprised that his colon is not human-shaped and actually much more closely resembles the excretion system of the male cow. "We've been wondering why his stool samples always kind of look like bull's shit," one doctor noted anonymously. "We've known the President has been full of bull's shit for awhile, but we've had advisers burying the bull's shit for years to make sure no one else is privy to the problem. Karl Rove told me if the bull's shit ever got out, it would really hit the fan."