Law and Hors D'oeuvres

Student groups can be counted on for one thing: self-promotion. One of the biggest self-promotions promulgated by these self-promoters is they buy food their meetings. Correction. They don't actually buy the food. They lobby SBA to give them money so they can enjoy tastey treats and get people to say, 'wow, these guys are benevolent. Surely I will go to their meetings.' Why does SBA do this? Surely it's because every SBA member is also in a student-group.

But back to the food. The groups vary in their self-promotion by the kind of food they serve. Thus, any student's choice of what group they join is based partially on a menu. For example in an e-mail from the SBA dated 9/17/07, we find that the Asian Student group is serving Thai Food at their meeting, and the Animal Defense Fund is serving vegetarian pizza. The Wisconsin International Law Society, however, has decided to break the trend by, instead of serving a delicious potluck of international dishes as they did at all past meetings, serving KFC. http://www.kfc.com/

From the files of Dr. H.J. Nugz

Levance Fields, the University of Pittsburgh's star point guard, was arrested for being disorderly in the strip district. "The officer said Fields punched him in the chest, grabbed his belt and reached for his gun... The officer and his partner used a Taser gun to subdue and arrest Fields."

Fields, it should be noted, is 5'10".

UPDATE: Dr. Nugz reminded me that I should mention the size of Fields' testicles, as the armed police officer is not the bar fight most of us mortals go out seeking.

Whoops!

Christopher Bevan, student government president at Bloomsburg University in Pennsylvania, is getting a lesson in foot-in-mouth from the media this week.

Trying to defend the University's annual "Block Party", he sent an apparently-noticed letter to the "Press Enterprise of Bloomsburg" criticising the local media for having "painted BU students with a broad and negative brush and are both inaccurate and extremely unfair to the thousands of responsible, mature Bloomsburg students who are an asset to the school and this community..." Color JP skeptical, but ok.

Bevan was subsequently arrested for drunk driving last week, blowing nearly .15. Now his story is on cnn.com, which is where I yanked it.

I hope you've all learned something from Mr. Bevan: Condemning varsity mischief is a really awful idea when you're still in school, because we all do it (not necessarily drunk driving; if he had pulled a Frank the Tank and gotten a public intox, the story would've likely been no different), and you'll just make national news when you do as a result.

By your powers combined

Cap'nStatute is here!

Nursing Doctors

A mother with a four-year-old infant is suing the National Board of Medical Examiners to force them to allow her to take long enough breaks during "the Boards", required to become a doctor, so she can "express" breast milk through a pump for her baby.

Is the ability to work for 9 hours with only 45 minutes of break (the current structure of each day of the two day exam) a BFOQ of being a doctor? Let's ask some residents how much break time they get.

Reason #54201 why JP isn't on a journal

I was chillaxing last night with AKen and Cap'n Statute on the back porch. They're both on the John Paul Stevens Law School International Law Journal: AKen is in the management and Cap'n Statute, bless his green-speedo'ed heart, contributes sweat equity.

Cap'n ran into a problem: The article he was assigned to cite check contained a citation to a 15th century Islamic prophetic text of some sort by a guy named So-and-so "the Grandson". Mr. Statute was able to track it down, like any good plebe, but he encountered a problem: The JPSLSILJ requires cite checkers to get the title pages of ancient religious texts to demonstrate that the cite is correct or something. This book had no title page. In fact, according to the Cap'n, you open the cover and it's all full of Arabic text:

"I'm not even sure whether to read it left to right or right to left," complained Statute.

AKen, ubiquitously the expropriator, then asked if Captain looked for a translated version.

"Unless it's not on WorldCat, Google Books, or regular Google, it doesn't exist."

"Well, we'll just cite it like we'd cite the Bible or something," responds the ever-optimistic AKen.

"Oh no," interjects Cap'n, "I think it's much closer to the Talmud or other Islamic texts. We should do it like we would for them."

This is one legal problem I'm happy to say I've responded to by denying cert.

The Perfect Crime

One of my colleagues, Cranny, at the JPSLS recently accepted a job offer to work in London starting sometime next year. Now Cranny is an enterprising young lawyer and, after hearing about check kiting schemes from Business Organizations, always wanted to try to make one of those scenarios fly. Luckily, at a consortium of fellow brilliant legal minds, we found the way to make it happen.

Start up a few checking accounts, get the kiting going, and start making phantom money hand over fist in preparation to leave the country. The day before Cranny flies to the UK, he drives up to Texas, and murders some random dude, taking lots of photographs so he can prove that he was the one who killed the guy. Maybe even off a few people just to be safe.

Then, once he arrives in the UK, they won't extradict him because the UK refuses to send criminals facing the death penalty back to the US. This is why he needs stone cold proof that he committed the murder, because if he doesn't, they can extradict him for the check kiting and he'll be totally fucked when they send him to Texas.

It's tits!

"Now I'm going to suck your feet"

Not exactly what you expect from someone mugging you, but hey, everyone gets their jollies somehow, right?

This guy apparently is a professional mugshot model too.

Courtesy of Dr. Nugz.

"Come on Donny, they were threatening castration!"

Are we gonna split hairs here?

I guess distinguishing between Longhorn fans and Sooner fans isn't exactly splitting hairs, but, well, when castration's down on the table, JP, like the dude, prefers to split.

This Texas fan didn't, though. When he walked into a bar in "Sooner Nation" sporting some Longhorn garb, he began to take some flak from Allen Michael Beckett. Beckett is a Sooner fan with a sordid employment history: "Beckett, a 53-year-old church deacon, federal auditor and former Army combat veteran..." Not only has Beckett administered two of the three human inevitabilities (death & taxes), he could also bless you, and not just when you sneeze. Anyone who spreads their values that thin is probably a stout short of a sixer.

Our unfortunately-Longhorn-garbed hero Brian Thomas started jabbering back, however, and things took a turn for the worst when Beckett started torquing Thomas' no no place:

Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him in the crotch, pulled him to the ground and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break it up. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down and realized the extent of his injuries.

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse."

It took more than 60 stitches to close the wound, and police interviewed Thomas at a nearby hospital emergency room.

I don't know if it's worse that Beckett was willing to engage in Abu Ghirab-esque tactics over football, or that Sooner fans fight by grabbing your nuts. Do they teach proper nut-wrenching technique in the military?

(Lady of the) Night at the Dane?

I went to the Dane with colleagues Dr. Nugz and ONutz last night to watch the football and enjoy some beverage, we started people watching, and soon picked up on a bizarre little situation over by the pool tables.

A quite attractive young lady was playing pool with two dudes who looked like buddies. First, she basically gives dude #1 a lap dance while he's sitting on a chair near the pool table and dude #2 is shooting. Then dude #2 comes over and starts trepidaciously touching her hind end. At this point we're like hmmm... Then the positions reverse: Dude #1 goes to the bathroom and dude #2 gets very similar play. Then, in a really great move, after dude #1 gets back, the girl takes her bra off in the middle of the bar.

What really sealed this story was when the girl went out for a cigarette. The two guys sat down next to each other, fist-pounded, grabbed their coats and hers, and walked out, presumably with her in tow.

As a side note, her cigarette break corresponded with mine, and she spent it doing sign language with a deaf man outside.

Buffalo tragedy

Bills tight end Kevin Everett is still sedated after spinal surgery. It's bad enough that they aren't even going to wake him up for 24 to 48 hours. My legal medical expertise makes me think that they don't want him to wake up so he doesn't move abruptly and set back his spinal surgery.

Fuck, that's a bad injury.

Pour one out for your homeboys

Lots of teenage Mormons are leaving home at a young age to be able to watch TV, use the internet, drink and look at young ladies.

I have to say, this one tugs at my heartstrings. The dude in the story had a secret stash of Die Hard movies. When his parents found them... "they burned them and gave him an ultimatum. Stop watching movies, they said, or leave the family and church for good." And it wasn't even a porno! If I couldn't watch TV, play on the 'net or look at girls in high school... for fuck's sake, I wouldn't get a single joke or be able to, at a quick glance, discern whether the girl walking by is worth another look. Life skillz, folks.

Senatorial Duress?

Everyone's favorite bathroom rendez-vous is back in the news to, like the guiltiest of the guilty, whine, cry, cite to conspiracy, and generally create a stink. Sometimes it's just better to say that no, I don't actually have a wide urination stance, and yes, I was seeking anonymous hedonistic fulfillment.

Not Larry Craig. Larry's lawyer claims that "Sen. Larry Craig should be allowed to withdraw his guilty plea in a sex sting because he was under extreme stress after being hounded by journalists asking questions about his sexuality."

You have to be kidding me. I think Mr. Craig's attorney should take a page from Dr. Nugz and pull out the pants doctrine at the hearing. If your lawyer drops trough and peaces, mooning the whole courtroom, it's an automatic victory.

Michigan

is on their way from funny to sad, and they're somewhere in the middle now. Who'd of thunk that the third-week Michigan-Notre Dame matchup would be a relief to both teams only because at least one of them has to win? Is it the Big Ten that's that bad, or is it just the maize and blue?

All Delicious Things are Bad

What now? Microvewave butter flavored popcorn.

Apparently there's some chemical in there that does bad shit to your body. Color me shocked: The JP always figured that, given the ubiquitously-natural neon yellow shading of the popcorn when it comes out of the 'wave, it had to be good for you. On the bright side, this new outbreak should provide lots of money for both plaintiff and defense lawyers. Keep it up, corps!

Feel-Good Story of the Week

Ohio State fans are engorging themselves on Appalachian State gear. The Buckeyes always pull for the little guy in the Big House.

On a tenuously related note, the JP has been seeing lots of frat boys around the UW campus wearing shirts that say "Wisconsin Dad" or "Wisconsin Grandpa". Besides the initial giggle when you realize that there's no hidden joke there, I guess I don't get it. With any blessing from the Buddha, these tools will knock up some ho and get the fathership they apparently find to be so culturally vogue.

A New Generation in Airplane Repair

Kill goats.

Ironically, in Antitrust, Dr. Nugz and I are discussing the Boeing merger in the '90s, and how Boeing's promises to repair planes in the future played into the analysis. If goat blood fixed planes, it might entirely preclude the need for antitrust law.

"That is the next step," Pop told the Times. "That dog got money. That money is going to be taken away from that dog."

From this stupid dogwill story.

If Your Keg Only Has One Spiggot

then Seriatim's not coming to your party! Welcome to the OctopusTap. Despite its octogonal title, it has a mere four delicious beer delivery devices, and advertises itself as "Great for parties, caterers, rental programs, weddings."

Also, great for getting oh-too-sober law students to attend your party, turning it into a cacophony of bullshit. Hmm...

Quote of the Day

From the ESPN coverage of Chris Benoit. Doctors now think that repeated concussions could have caused Benoit to go sufficiently fucking psycho that he would murder his wife and child, put bibles by their bodies, and then, in an underreported irony, killed himself on the weight bench.

Luckily, several ex-pro wrestlers opened an institute of some sort to convince people that pro wrestling might not be the best career choice. Their rhetoric, however, explains why these dolts picked it originally:

"I think it's the extreme that is in the wrestling industry today," he told reporters. "The human skull is not built to get hit by a chair or something."

And here I've been, all these years, bemoaning the chairs that could improve my life so just by thwacking me in the noggin.

Get the Man a WHHHAAAAAmbulance

George Bush has lots of cryfests at the White House because ihhhtttsss soooo hawwwwwdddd to be the pwwwwesident.

Now, my well of sympathy isn't bone dry: I'm sure there are easier jobs out there (being Ann Althouse, for example) but for Christ sakes man, if Bush were suing under an equitable waahhhh waaahhhh theory, I think the court would bar it on the basis of unclean tears.

Larry Craig May Not Resign

Reports CNN.com.

If he doesn't, Bush will put a fish on his doorstep and five orange pips in his mailbox. If I were Bush, I'd be getting fed up with all these incompetant, scandal-inciting douchebags I've unfortunately apparently surrounded myself with politically. Even Gonzo was getting a little lippy before he left to go personally torture Gitmo detainees. Where's the mf duct tape?

Schnockeritis

Whew. Second day of school, first school day after the last first day of school party, first day in class with a case of schnockeritis. Although, I have to say, the party confabulators were all three at school bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning. God I'm not funny.

Shocking News of the Day

Men want hot women. This isn't even a pun on 'hot', either: I was expecting them to make some point about how men liked women with higher average body tempertures, because then it would qualify as news.

First Day of School at the UWLS

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
not a creature was scurrying, not even Althouse.

The casebooks were placed by my shoes with great care,
in hope I remember them, with my bus fare.

Ok, that's all I got. I'm 1/2 hour through my first class. Touch me.

The Seventh Circuit's Really Full Of 'Em Today

And again, Easterbrook does us the honor:

Bronson Webster punched Leah Tourtillott in the face five times and, after she collapsed, kicked her in the face five times. The attack broke her nose and the bone around her right eye; it also caused lacerations that a physician concluded would leave prominent facial scars.

With a name like Bronson, I guess you have to kick the shit out of girls to prove to everyone that you don't have a fragile Y chromosome. The only defense to that sort of thing is to plead Shaggy right ("It wasn't me")? Nope. Bronson was a little pissed about his sentence:

Webster maintains that the offense level should have been 16 rather than 18. The range corresponding to an offense level of 16 would have been 46 to 57 months’ imprisonment. The two-level difference depends on the application of U.S.S.G. §2A2.2(b)(3), which prescribes seven offense levels for battery that produces “permanent or life-threatening bodily injury” but only five levels for an attack that causes “serious bodily injury”. According to Webster, Tourtillott’s injuries were “serious” but not “permanent or life-threatening”.

Your honor, when I kicked that girl in the face five times after she collapsed from my punches, I only caused serious injury, not permanent or life threatening injury. There should really be a sentencing enhancement for making arguments on appeal that demonstrate that you're a complete dickfor.

If You Don't Pay Your Filing Fees, Frank Easterbrook Will Eat Your Children

Ok, maybe not, but he will enjoin all pending litigation you've got going until you pay up.

Prince Foryoh was arrested for telephone harassment (although I have to imagine that's the tip of the iceberg) and, like any good guilty criminal, appealed like hell and filed 1983's against all the officers. He tried to proceed in forma pauperis, that request was granted, but then the district court judge sniffed out our pseudo-royal hero's plan:

In another of Foryoh’s suits, his mother gave testimony to the effect that she provides about 90% of his support—including meals, car, college tuition, textbooks, and housing. Foryoh concedes that his mother has provided (and continues to provide) financial support but insists that she is extending loans rather than making gifts. That is not how his mother characterized things, but like the district judge we need not resolve this intrafamilial dispute. Foryoh did not report the value of these “loans” on his affidavit and other filings. In response to a question whether he had received more than $200 from any source in the preceding year, Foryoh neglected to mention his mother’s assistance. So his application for leave to proceed in forma pauperis had a material omission and may well have been perjurious.

So, basically, Prince is a baby, and he can't make any more frivolous lawsuits until he pays the filing fees of an undisclosed amount for the claims that he lied about. He might actually prefer that Easterbrook eat his first born.

Man Killed Golfing at Odana?

Looks like this morning a 75 year old man was hit by lightening and died at Odana Hills Golf Course in Madison. The golf course's director, Ray Shane, had lots of contradictory things to say:

Shane said it is the responsibility of golfers to monitor the weather and take action when it comes severe and dangerous.

Shane said staff members at Yahara Golf Course have and air gun available to alert golfers of severe weather, but that equipment is not available at Odana.

Shane said the golf course's policy on the threat of lightning on the course was reviewed by the city's risk manager and approved two years ago.

So, at other golf courses they have purchased equipment that alerts golfers of severe weather; however, it is the responsibility of the golfers to monitor the weather? Yahara, apparently, has a different view of the situation, or at least enough of a divergent view to motivate them to invest (pittance) in an air gun. It reminds me of a war story my boss told me this morning about how appraisers should never buy malpractice insurance because "it just gets you sued." Unfortunately, Odana Hills isn't judgment-proof, and if they were negligent in allowing this dude to continue golfing (as they, surprise of all surprises, indicate they weren't), it doesn't matter what the city's risk manager, the golf course director, or anyone else other than the court has to say.

Also, Mr. Shane, I hope the fact that you disclosed knowledge of Yahara's more stringent system is used against you: I hate the snarky "I know something bad happened on my watch but I'm going to spout out a bunch of bullshit on why it wasn't my fault" and would be happy to see it used against him.

A Picture is Worth Twelve to Twenty-Four Months

I'm just shamelessly stealing this from Deadspin, but it's really funny.

WILS List-serv update

After four or five bland unsubscribe requests were unwittingly sent to the listserv instead of to the dude specified in the original as the one to contact to unsubscribe, a Wisconsin alum confirms that, like every other year/organization combo, WILS will suck this year:

Please unsubscribe me too please. I graduated 15 years ago. Thanks.

So basically people have been sending their unsubscribe requests to an unspecified number of UWLS alums dating back at least 15 years. List-serv spam: The anti-networking.

Best.Dunk.Ever

Worth checking out from Youtube: Vince Carter dunks over a 7' French dude, and you can see the nuts in the face.

WILS

The Wisconsin International Law Society rang in the new school year with an intellectual bang today by sending out their welcoming email to their unsuspecting membership:

Greetings WILS members:

As the new President of WILS, let me be one of the first of many to welcome you to the 2007-2008 school year. As summer begins to wind down, it's a good time to reflect on the previous year and to look forward to what we hope will be an even better one.

Unfortunately, based on the subsequent replies to the listserv, I'm not convinced that this group will be any better than the last:

From View message header detail yyyyyyyy@xxxxx.com
Sent Thursday, August 23, 2007 10:32 am
To wils@law.wisc.edu
Subject Re: [wils] WILS, 2007-2008

UNSUBSCRIBE! Just kidding. Sophy. Come home.

Maybe this was unintentional, and the unnamed person (who I do not know at all) thought his/her jesting self-exclusion was something to rofl about. I'm hoping for the opposite.

WILS' VP of Internal Affairs, who we'll call Sargent Slaughter, admitted to everyone that no one really wants to be on this listserv in the first place, ironically, in an unintended email that's the whole reason people want out:

From View message header detail S. Slaughter
Sent Thursday, August 23, 2007 11:35 am
To wils@law.wisc.edu
Subject Re: [wils] WILS, 2007-2008

Dude I'm getting so many emails asking me to remove them from the list-serve. So far I've been forwarding them to you, but I'll gladly delete them. Do you know how? I'm taking Evidence, Con Law, Intl. Law, secured transactions and bus orgs.

I think Sarge should change his title to simply the VP of Affairs, because the internal part seems a little tongue-in-cheek by now. Plus, he's taking business organizations at Wisconsin despite the recent departure of Gordon Smith, an unfortunate set of affairs for our hero.

The Gene Pool Chlorine Award of the Week Goes to

three Houston teens who tried to get through the railroad crossing before the train came through. Now, even the JP has skirted dangerously close to running red lights. It happens. Part of driving. When we're talking about literal freight trains though, something one would call an NFL middle linebacker to imply that he's tougher than just calling him an NFL middle linebacker, you can't be too careful.

Witnesses told detectives that the driver went to extreme measures to try to beat the train.

"According to witnesses, as well as the engineer on the train, the driver of the vehicle disregarded the railroad warnings and went through the railroad arms," Coleman said.

The train hit the passenger side of the car and pushed it about 2,000 feet down the tracks before the car caught fire.

Don't worry though: The train was just fine.

The 66 passengers on board the train had no idea what had happened.

"None of them saw anything, heard anything or felt anything," Coleman said.

None of the passengers or crew on board the train was injured.

White Girl Allowed to Educate in Monona!

In a stunning turn of events, a transfer of a white kindergartener that had been previously denied has been approved.

Madison resident Allison Cizek, 5, earlier denied permission to transfer to another school district because she is white, will be allowed to leave under an offer extended late Wednesday by state officials.

As the article briefly mentions, this is not at all a surprising result given our decisions to strike down racially-based districting decisions in Louisville and Seattle this summer (although if Ant tells me one more time that he's the one upholding Brown I'm gonna stick an Italian Sausage where the sun don't shine).

While the JP is a little skeptical about housing diversity stifling educational diversity, this is one case where the child's family's claim makes some sense:

Allison, a shy girl who was never told she was at the center of a legal dispute, now will be allowed to enter kindergarten where she 'd planned to go all along -- Monona Grove, where her mother is an elementary teacher. There 'll now be no need to pay for after-school day care for Allison.

Fairly Silly

Someone over at Fair Wisconsin needs to proofread their mass emails for humanity before they get sent out to enough people that even the JP, already fair and balanced as a freshly-carved gavel, found himself on the recipient list. I'm not even nitpicking about grammar:

Fair Wisconsin Announces Its Fairness Agenda

Did Dr. Seuss write that?

"Sorry Officer, I Lost Track of My Speed"

is one way to respond when pulled over for a traffic violation. Jason Dale, convicted meth user, distributor and conspirator, has a different strat:

While participating in the conspiracy, Mr. Dale exhibited violent behavior. He threatened a number of people with violence to avoid prosecution and had threatened and beaten a former girlfriend whom he suspected of cooperating with law enforcement. Additionally, following an arrest for driving under the influence, Mr. Dale had threatened to kill the arresting officer and to rape the officer’s daughter.

Like how Frank Lasee will never prevail in court in Wisconsin because he's such a dbag, I'd say Mr. Dale should move to a state where the entire law enforcement system doesn't hate him.

Wrong Ride

From United States v. Morris:

On August 15, 2003, Tramayne Peterson was looking for a ride to the mall, when Morris, his cousin, pulled up in a white van. Peterson hopped in. A few blocks later, the men drove past Officer George Valdez, Jr., of the East Chicago police force. Officer Valdez recognized Morris, having seen his picture during that day’s squad briefing. Knowing there was an active bench warrant for Morris’s arrest, Valdez pulled the van over.

According to Peterson’s testimony, he had just finished “rolling marijuana” when Officer Valdez pulled behind the van. As Morris stopped the van, he handed Peterson a grey plastic bag and said, “Take this and run.” Peterson did and Officer Cima DeVilla gave chase. Although Peterson claimed not to know what was in the bag when his cousin handed it to him, as Peterson ran and jumped a fence, “stuff”—beginning with “a white substance” that he “figured . . . to be cocaine”—began to fall out of the bag. Peterson continued to run as a .45 caliber pistol, baggies of marijuana and cocaine, and an electronic scale all tumbled out behind him. Eventually Peterson dropped the bag. After vaulting over a few more fences, he was apprehended by a third officer, Anton West. Meanwhile, Officer Valdez arrested Morris without incident. No additional drugs, firearms, or other contraband was found on Morris’s person or in the van.

I imagine this dude having clown pockets that contraband interminably departs while the cops are on his tail. Too bad he wasn't going to the mall to get his kitchen sink fixed.

Vick Pleads Guilty

reports the Virginian-Pilot.

Wikipedia Wiki-Spotlight: Bias!

Wikipedia is probably the most biased website on the internet. In fact, your libertarian hackjob asshats over at Conservapedia have compiled an ever-growing list of examples of Wikipedia's unencyclopedic entries.

Now the NYTimes is jumping on. Apparently corporations are spending time selectively editing Wikipedia entries for their own benefit. If this doesn't convince you that Conservapedia's the new it girl in the wiki circles, I don't know what will...

Conservapedia is a wiki-based web encyclopedia project with the stated purpose of creating an encyclopedia written from a socially and economically conservative viewpoint supportive of Conservative Christianity and Young Earth creationism. Andrew Schlafly, the site's creator and son of noted conservative Phyllis Schlafly, stated he founded the project because he felt Wikipedia had a liberal, anti-Christian, and anti-American bias.

It's the only unbiased news source left, because not even corporations care enough to edit the bullshit they spew.

The Gene Pool Chlorine Award of the Week Goes to...

the dude whose body was found in the bear cage half-eaten after the beer festival. In his defense, beer and bear are only off by one letter: Could our half-digested hero have merely been looking for the beer cage?

Rattlesnake Fighting

Would Michael Vick have had any legal problems if he were involved in a rattlesnake fighting organization? Bad Newz Snake Holes?

Over in Colorado, some successful gamblers plotted to kill the gambling operator who owed them money. It's hard to tell exactly what went down from the news story though, because it's so awfully written:

Christopher Steelman, 34, and Herbert Beck, 56, are accused of planning out the scheme to collect on a gambling debt. CBI agents said the alleged victim is the owner of Amateur Poker Tour in WheatRidge. Investigators seized documents and records from the business earlier this year. They say the men are involved in an illegal poker operation.

WheatRidge? Anyways, they don't talk about the dudes' plans with the rattlesnake. It does sound quite a bit like the Sherlock Holmes short story The Adventure of the Speckled Band, in which a step-father kills his step-daughters as they're about to get married to avoid paying dowry by secreting a swamp adder into their rooms. Another idea would be to piss the rattlesnake off and launch it into a bedroom or family room or something. Maybe murder by rattlesnake will make a comeback.

Suing Barry Bonds

This lawsuit was brought to you by Jonathan Lee Riches, the same guy who sued Michael Vick for $63 billion. This one's even better.

The named defendants are Barry Bonds, Bud Selig, and Hank Aaron's Bat. The plaintiff is "Jonathan Lee Riches, A/K/A 'Secured Party.'" I'll list the causes of action he's alleging, although I can't copy and paste them because the pdfs on thesmokinggun.com are handwritten by Mr. Riches. That must be the limiting reagent in his litigation: Those things take a long time to write out. The complaint is entitled "Fraud Against Mankind" and, in the alternative, "Batman and Identity Robbin". That last pun is killer.

This is a complaint under Bivens, civil rights violation by the Constitution and the laws of the United States; and Federal tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to; Bat assault, HGH violations, treason, major fraud, skimming the books, illegal moonshine, terrorism, social security fraud, treason, stalking, identity theft, copyright infringement, false information, illegal electronic wiretapping, bad debt.

I feel bad excerpting that part, since the whole thing's like 5 pages long and all equally awesome. Basically, Riches alleges that Selig has been selling Bonds drugs for the last four years operating out of a Steak n' Shake to improve baseball's ratings. Moreover, Bonds once benchpressed Riches against his will, sells steroids to nuns, stores HGH in Hank Aaron's bat (obtained from breaking into Mr. Riches' house; various food items were taken too) which he now uses to inject himself with steroids in the batter's box (and to crack the liberty bell), and he gave mustard gas to Saddam.

Who wouldn't give some body parts to see this guy up against Annie Jay in the courtroom?

We're Fucked

And that's the royal we, and it includes you, too. Have you ever seen the zombie movies where only one Jack-Bauer-esque hero is allowed to survive the packs of flesh-hungry undead roaming like dementors?

Prepare for a Russian zombie fest.

Miranda's Such a Fickle Mistress

For some reason, William Dennis appealed his conviction for federal firearms violations. Mr. Dennis, along with his buddy Cruz, agreed to buy some guns for an undercover agent claiming to be a drug dealer needing guns to protect his stash. The agent paid them $3,100 to get on a train from Illinois to Tennessee, buy guns, and bring them back taped to their chests. Besides the obvious difficulty of a discharge in the crotch region (if two things don't mix, they are crotches and firearms), they got apprehended before they even left by the FBI. Mr. Dennis didn't want anything to do with Ms. Miranda:

Following his arrest, Dennis waived his Miranda rights. He admitted to Labno and ATF Task Force Officer Matthew Gainer that he had agreed to travel to Tennessee with Cruz to purchase firearms and to transport the guns back to Illinois. He also acknowledged that he believed Special Agent Labno was a drug dealer. He further
stated that had he not been arrested, he would have boarded the train, traveled to Tennessee, and helped Cruz purchase and transport the firearms. Dennis also admitted that he had traveled with Cruz and the CI to Tennessee in November of 2004, knowing that the trip’s purpose was to acquire firearms for an individual to whom Cruz had sold weapons previously. He explained that he had traveled with Cruz and the CI on the November trip because he had a valid driver’s license, unlike Cruz and the CI.

Fuck man, why don't you tell them where the pot stash in your room is, and have them get on the phone with your wife and let her know about the nice young lady three houses down you've been dinking.

Talk is Cheap

And so is writing for that matter. Whether your prose refers to the new Lexus or a beat-up Pinto ready to kill everyone inside upon rear-end collision, it doesn't cost any more to print it out. The equanimity of the word is paramount to the even keel of JP's judicial soul.

Unfortunately, building shit is not cheap. One person who's learning the difference the hard way is J.K. Rowling. She met with Disney about opening a Harry Potter theme park. Her ideas, while imaginative, don't fare so well when they don't all cost the same:

Rowling's vision supposedly was that each person would enter through the Leaky Cauldron, tap on a brick, gain access to Diagon Alley, then proceed to a platform in a version of King's Cross station and take a train to Hogwarts. Disney figured it would have had to build multiple Leaky Cauldron entrances to cycle in small groups every two minutes. Admission to the attraction envisioned by Rowling would have run north of $800 per person. Disney's thought it might be able to drive the cost down a bit to make it comparable to Anheuser-Busch's Discovery Cove, where folks pay a few hundred bucks to swim with dolphins. But in the end, Disney and Rowling could not come to terms.

Yeah, I don't think the $800/pop theme park is going to get very far.

The First Half of a Week in the Life of Frank Lasee

Frank's had a busy week working on policy.

On Monday, he claimed a proposed tax on packs of cigarettes demonstrated Wisconsin is not serious about putting the costs of smoking on smokers. Dubious, perhaps, but in light of the rest of the ooze he secreted in the following days, it seems like we should rename the Nobel Prize the Lasee Award for this one.

Tuesday he distinguished between illegal aliens and illegal immigrants in a post he likes to call "Ideas matter." How cute, Frank. The physical homes for these so-called ideas, however, only matter if Frank likes you:

Illegal aliens take what they can get and then go home. Illegal immigrants want to build a life in their new home. They have very different needs, wants and attitudes. Their children (millions of them in both groups) in our schools have distinctly different attitudes.

These are two distinctly different groups of illegals. Which isn’t part of the debate concerning illegals in our country.

Did anyone else know you could so neatly reduce the immigration issue to an obvious distinction between the evil immigrants and the good immigrants? If not, now you know the analytic powers Mr. Lasee can brandish.

Don't think he let down on Wednesday, either. His post, entitled "Taxpayer babies," criticizes Wisconsin for funding births. When you get out of bed tomorrow morning, take a good look at the side of your head, and remember that Mr. Lasee would prefer it be dented from low-quality care.

Frank really came on strong today though, posting on "So Called 'Healthy Wisconsin.'" I just have to excerpt:

Who would make the decisions of what is necessary and convenient?

The following people will. They are to be selected by the Governor and confirmed by the Senate to serve 6 year terms:

(a) labor or union coalitions (4 members),
(b) business and employer organizations (4 members),
(c) public school teacher labor organizations (1 member),
(d) small business organizations (1 member),
(e) farmers (2 members),
(f) self−employed person (1 member), and
(g) health care consumer organizations (3 members),

These are the 16 people who will decide whether or not you can have a procedure your doctor recommends, how long you will wait for it, how much the medical providers will be paid, and how much you and your employer will pay for health coverage.

Who is missing from this list? There are no doctors, no nurses, no hospitals, no medical professionals on the Board or anyone with medical claims paying experience.

These are the 16 people who will decide whether or not you have a procedure your doctor recommends... but... where are the doctors? They're the ones making the recommendations you dolt. This committee isn't replacing the health care profession: They're just acting as a surrogate public insurance review board. Normally, that job goes to the lawyers who represent the insurance company re: coverage.

Frank, I mentioned in my comment last night that you should take today off. Obviously you weren't able to pull yourself away from the romparoom this morning, so I suggest you take tomorrow and go on a nice vacation. Take two weeks, hell, take the rest of your term. We promise, like The Dude, Wisconsin will abide.

Wonder Why No One Trusts The US?

Look at our diplomats. The guy on the left.

Jumping Off Monona Terrace

and into Lake Monona. According to the Wisconsin State Journal, youngsters have jumped off the edge of the patio looking over Lake Monona from Monona Terrace on two occasions.

Twice this summer, and at least a few times in years past, young people have used the top of Madison's Wright-inspired Monona Terrace as a launching pad, jumping from beyond the guardrail on the rooftop patio into Lake Monona in a perilous, 60-foot drop.

The JP thinks the WSJ is stirring young daredevils into a frenzy.

Coming on the heels of a jump by two other young men less than a month ago, the latest leap could signal an increase in the popularity of the stunt — a prospect that worries police and Monona Terrace staff.

Increased popularity, high danger, pissing off police and staff, check, check, check for any riskophile.

Although Martin and Howell weren't hurt, Terrace staffers note jumpers can be injured when they hit the water, which is about 30 feet deep below the outermost point of the terrace patio.

30 feet deep? We'll be fine. You also get the chance to play a little cops-and-robbers:

Monona Terrace also has 24-hour video surveillance that can help catch trespassers, staff said. In the two most recent incidents, the cameras captured images of the men on the roof before they jumped and again in the lake where they were picked up, with shots close enough to identify the boats.

"People are going to get caught if they try to do this," terrace spokeswoman Fran Puleo said.

Gauntlet thrown down? Check. I'll see you guys on the patio.

Bloons

Maybe everyone else heard about this already, but I just completed Bloons. Really fun. At Ninja Kiwi's website, there's also 50 "More Bloons" and some other stuff. Worth your work time.

Madison: The Movie?

There's a trailer on YouTube. Looks like the screenplay follows Michael who returned from the war in Iraq and wanted to recapture the halcyon days of yore in Madison, where he spent his college years. Unfortunately, shit goes down; dude has PTSD; special effects leave something to be desired (the skyline of the city blowing up looks like when I shoot a red bomb in Bloons; general specialness).

Comment on the Madison locales you can spot though: The only one I'm sure of is when he's standing on State St. in front of the dripping liquor store sign and the bus is coming.

Via Oberlizzle.

The Constitutionality of Eating Horses

Not precisely, but it makes a flashier headline than something legal, aka boring, about injunctions pending appeal.

Cavel International v. Madigan is one of the best Seventh Circuit opinions to come out this summer. Cavel is just some ordinary joe schmo business producing horsemeat for human consumption. Most Americans don't like horsemeat, though, so all of Cavel's horse-ventory is shipped to Europe, where apparently the people are more religiously confident that if it were actually morally wrong to eat horses, God almighty wouldn't have chosen to construct them out of meat, but I digress.

Illinois sniffed out Cavel, though, and passed the "Illinois Horse Meat Act." Surprise surprise, no more slaughtering horses in Illinois either for consumption there or for exportation. Looks like Cavel's race has been run.

But no, they challenge valiently in the Fifth Circuit (the procedure is a little janky, I promise, I'm rushing to the white meat), where they are told that their quest for an unconstitutional disposition is molar-deep in the horse's mouth. They appeal, of course, claiming it was their foot, not their case, in the horse's mouth, and the Seventh Circuit opinion takes up the injunction against enforcement of the statute pending Cavel's appeal of the negative judgment. Whew.

Posner, writing for the majority, is apparently a horse meat aficionado:

The only ground that Illinois advances for the horsemeat amendment is “public morality.” The state has a recognized interest in the humane treatment of animals within its borders, and we can assume that this interest embraces the life of the animals and not just a concern that they not be killed gratuitously or in a painful manner. But as we noted earlier, the Illinois statute does not forbid the killing of horses, but only the killing of them for human consumption of their meat. If Cavel could (as apparently it cannot) develop a market for its horsemeat as pet food, there would be no violation of the statute. So it is possible that the burden that the statute places on the foreign commerce of the United States is not offset by a legitimate state interest, in which event the statute is unconstitutional.

If Dicky P has to go to the pet food aisle to get his horse meat marinated in whatever the disgusting shit is they put in pet food cans, hey, he's a loyal man. Also, the implicit "my dog can eat it but I can't?" is a nice strike against narrow tailoredness, especially since most dogs eat poo.

Judge Easterbrook, really a pork guy, wasn't amused in his dissent. He thinks Cavel should've been required to make a stronger showing that they could win on the merits since the Fifth Circuit has already denied their claim:

So I ask (as my colleagues do not) whether plaintiff has made out a “strong showing” that this court is likely to reverse on the merits. It has not done so... That no one in Illinois wants to eat horse flesh means that all of Cavel’s product is exported, but this does not convert a law regulating horse slaughter (an intrastate activity) into one that discriminates against commerce.

The Nor'Easterbrook v. Richard "Not a" Pos(n)er in a Seventh Circuit clash of the titans sure to create a sixth great lake. The issue of Illinois' horse consumption is clearly the sticking point.

However, in a little nod to his economically-minded colleague, Gregg substitutes some game theory lingo in for common sense, a move Mr. Monahan will undoubtedly appreciate:

Almost all laws cause injury; very few statutes are Pareto-superior (meaning that no one loses in the process, and at least some people gain).

Yes big E, most laws stop someone from doing something they'd otherwise like to.

A Line You May Not Want On Your Resume

I found it scouring the net, it's from a non-lawyer, and I doubt they know the abuses coming out of the ideas of constructive notice, consent, or waiver (among others):

I strive every day to constructively put the well-being of others before myself while maintaining a high level of self-awareness and focus on self-improvement.

The World's Just a Computer Simulation, Man

NYTimes has a piece about the probability that we're living in a computer simulation.

Dr. Bostrom assumes that technological advances could produce a computer with more processing power than all the brains in the world, and that advanced humans, or “posthumans,” could run “ancestor simulations” of their evolutionary history by creating virtual worlds inhabited by virtual people with fully developed virtual nervous systems.

Dr. Bostrom goes on to estimate that the chances of this actually being the case are 20/80, based on his gut feeling.

The JP has thought, and even written, about this idea before, but more from an experimental perspective. If we could trace the world back to the starting point of life and run simulations based on all sorts of different information, we could induce some of the starting conditions for life on the basis of the results of these models. We could also model political issues by modeling how the world would look at different times under different organizational policies.

It’s unsettling to think of the world being run by a futuristic computer geek, although we might at last dispose of that of classic theological question: How could God allow so much evil in the world? For the same reason there are plagues and earthquakes and battles in games like World of Warcraft. Peace is boring, Dude.

Starcraft 4eva

Library Mall Anyone?

From Bits & Pieces via For Your Entertainment via Mr. Monahan on Plans. This would be a really fun game.

Another Pro Wrestler Drops Dead

This time it was Brian Adams, not to be confused with Canadian rocker Bryan Adams.

The police probably went a little overboard with their early conclusions:

He showed no visible signs of injury and foul play was not suspected, police spokeswoman Janelle McGregor said.

Internal failure caused by shooting yourself in the ass with steroids over the course of years is foul play in my book.

Morse v. Frederick redux

Our young hero with the 'Bong Hits 4 Jesus' sign was obviously just claiming that Big Ben rings 4 Jesus. It's, you know, one of those British-American things.

Tommy Thompson's Out

Due to his sixth-place finish in the Iowa Straw Poll, after canvassing all of the state's 99 counties, Tommy Thompson has officially withdrawn from the Presidential race. *cue the 'awwhhhhhh'* His reaction was surprisingly surprised:

Thompson told a reporter this morning that the disappointing finish was like being hit by a Mack truck, according to WITI-TV in Milwaukee.

Respectfully Mr. Thompson, I think a Mack truck is a particularly poor choice of analogies. According to the finely-tuned 27 WKOW Madison webpoll, 87% of voters said the chances of Thompson continuing his campaign after the Straw Poll was "Not a chance," as opposed to "Maybe if he wins the darn thing" and "I think so". What you were hit by, Mr. Thompson, was the vacuum of the paucity of your political capital, the nothing where there should've been something. Your clumsily-worded defeat, however, is awkwardly appropriate for the interment of an awkwardly inappropriate ambition.

The WSJ

appears to be mentally MIA this fine Monday morning. For some unknown reason, they're doing a spot on the intersection of bluegrass music and riding on trains. As in, you listen to some bluegrass music and then take a 40-minute train ride. Wow. While not every day do breaking stories grace Southern Wisconsin journalists, they should probably stop consulting high-school-wannabe-poets for their titles:

Train and twang attract a gang

I read that and I thought the band Train was doing a performance with a country singer and the Hell's Angels showed up.

The E-Cigarette?

Just when you thought every possible word had already been tagged with a silly "E" or "I" prefix, we've lost cigarettes, too, to the monocharactorial affixation affectation.

Inhale, and the Ruyan -- powered by a Motorola chip -- turns the nicotine into smokelike vapor. "We don't claim smoking cessation, just smoking substitution," says Scott Fraser, vice president of Golden Dragon subsidiary SBT, which came up with the Ruyan.

Is nothing sacred? The JP doesn't want to have to remember the days before E-Food and I-Sex.

In PGA Championship News:

John Daly tied for 32nd and received a cool $34,700 for his efforts. The guys one shot ahead of him made $51k. Getting pissed over a missed putt or a dinked chip is both financial and emotional. In the immortal words of Dr. Nugz, John Daly's money isn't gonna gamble itself.

Sidenote: Tiger Woods won, albeit smoking about 80 fewer Marb Reds and drinking 60 fewer cans of Diet Coke.

The Over/Under on John Daly's Round Today

is set at 75.

Yesterday was an amazing day in sports for that man. I heard ESPNRadio talk about him for 20 minutes last night. A few of the gems from the web:

Still, there was Daly, remarkably, on the leaderboard Thursday, shooting 3-under-par 67 on a course he had not seen in 13 years, bombing drives with reckless abandon, and beating the heat by lighting up cigarettes and chugging Diet Pepsi. "It actually works," he said.

I heard him talk about this on the radio, and I was in stitches in bed by myself. The reporter asked him about the heat, and he responded that he grew up around Tulsa, so he's used to the heat, and the worst part are these little valleys where the humidity gathers and you can barely breathe. When that happens, he said, I just start puffing on a cigarette and chugging Diet Pepsi. There's a little pause, and then he's like I know it sounds bad and all, but it really works. Hysterical.

"There were odds with all the caddies and players this week," Daly quipped. "Who would fall first, me or my caddie [Peter VanDer Riet]. So we made it. We made 18 holes."

I'd say it's a little premature to say Daly will stay upright for three more rounds if it stays hot, especially since...

"Only had three heat strokes out there," [Daly] said.

Conservapedia Conserva-Spotlight: Online Courses for Homeschoolers

It's true. On Conservapedia, you can "take classes" in different subject areas without having to worry about the nasty liberal bias that infiltrates all echelons of our educational system.

For example, in the Supreme Court class, which starts this September, you can learn about great stuff like "what precedents are there now 5 conservative votes for overruling? Are there 5 votes to overrule Roe v. Wade?" and "What are the worst liberal decisions rendered by the Court?" The express purpose of the course is as follows: "The Supreme Court" is a one-semester course for those curious about how the Court became so liberal in the 1960s through 1980s, and for those interested in learning how the Court can get back on the right path for the future." Goddamn liberal bias.

You can also take American Government 101 or Critical Thinking in Math. Enroll now, before the spots fill up, and all you're left with are biased and value-laden educational opportunities!

Daly Explains How He Did It!

From ESPN via Mr. Monahan:

The Legend of John Daly continues to grow.

Daly just completed his post-round news conference and talked about eschewing practice rounds at Southern Hills in favor of -- you guessed it -- going to a casino.

On Tuesday, Daly played slots at nearby Cherokee Casino and said he did very well. He went back the next day (yesterday) and didn't fare as well on the slots, but got in some golf at the casino's course.

He got in some golf at the casino's course. I love it.

Daly's Up By Two Shots!

Oberholser made double at the 16th, and Daly now has a two-shot lead on day one at the PGA. He must have wagered a lot of money on this round. It isn't over yet though: John can definitely still shoot 80 today.

UPDATE: John didn't shoot 80. In fact, he merely bogeyed 16 to shoot a proper 67 on the first day. He's the leader in the clubhouse.

JOHN DALY'S TIED FOR FIRST AT A MAJOR!

I just have to get this up there for posterity's sake. He birdied 13 to go -4 in a tie with Arron Oberholser for the lead. Unfortunately, the 223 yard par 3 14th awaits our hero. If he can play the last 5 holes at even par, the JP may send him a congratulatory pack of ciggys.

UPDATE: Par on the 14th! It would make my day if Big John is atop the first round leaderboard.

-3 Through 12

tied for second with two others, and bogey-free, is our hero. C'mon John, don't totally blow it!

John Daly is Two Under Through Seven at a Major!

The PGA Tournament begins today at Southern Hills in Tulsa, and through seven holes John Daly is tied for fifth! Granted, only about half the field has teed off, but let's not knock Big John: He hasn't even made a bogey yet (two neat birdies on par-4's) and is staring Tiger (-3 through 7) down from across the course. I wonder how Tiger would respond if JD started blowing cigarette smoke in his face before shots? I bet Daly finishes the day around +2, unless he has some side bets going, in which case he'll be four or five under.

UPDATE: Big John's -3 through 9 and tied for 3rd! Looking through the back nine, I predict the blow-up coming at the 223 yard par 3 14th. 16 is a 507 yard par 4 (!), which shouldn't be a problem as long as JD doesn't go in there on tilt. If so, he could make 8 faster than you can say 'Pay up on the side bets'.

SIDENOTE: In case you aren't convinced that John Daly is the man, check this out. It's fairly close to NSFW, but there's no nudity: It's from Deadspin.

USN&WR: Top 10 Most Overrated Careers

Attorney is on there, of course. People think practicing law means kicking ass and taking names like in Law & Order. Actually, the reason we're attorneys in the first place is because we can't kick any ass. We are pretty good at taking names though, preferably on yellow legal pads with a black pen.

NYT Undertones: Illegal Drugs

There seems to be a common thread throughout columns up on NYTimes.com. Should this milk be legal? is about buying raw milk that comes straight from the cow. It's highly regulated, apparently, and so our protagonist joined up with the milk mafia: "Clandestine milk clubs, like the one Mr. Milgrom-Elcott joined, are one way of circumventing the law, and there are others." Yeah, milk, right.

Next, in a tip of the hat to legal drugs out there, the NYTimes takes up prescription schwag. Because generic drugs are out there, people won't spend lots of money on the brand-names like Merxx and Pfizer, bless their greedy little hearts, that we've all come to know and name as defendants in tort actions.

Finally, to highlight some of the benefits of illegal drug use, they take up high school seniors' surprising aptitude in economics. Running a black market as an extracurricular is clearly great training to, as the title boasts, "Show Better Grasp of Market Forces Than Expected on U.S. Economics Test".

Sauce Watch: Wednesday Night

JP, Oberlizzle and the Good Doctor had a little sauce fest last night. The following beers are now contributing to JP's nausea:

Three Floyd's Robert the Bruce Scottish Style Ale was my favorite. It almost looks like a stout in the glass and has some serious body. I like hearty, malty beer, and I will buy many more Three Floyd's beers in the future. I've had their Alpha King on draft, and it's delicious too.

Continuing on the scottish theme, Flying Dog's Scottish Porter was fine. I expected it to be a little more flavorful, but the short, blunt, malty porter taste was pretty tasty, I have to say, even though I generally prefer bigger porters. I'd drink it for breakfast no problem.

Boulder Beer's Hazed and Confused is not too dissimilar from the Dogfish Head Shelter Ale that I bitched about awhile ago, except there's actually flavor there. It's hard to describe: Comes off like a pale ale, isn't overhopped, but is smooth and tastable. I get worried with the hybrid pale ales that they'll underhop and I'll spend $8 on a six-pack of water that sat next to some hops at one point. This isn't that, though.

Slate's Test-Your-Blog-Name Quiz

appears here. Let's see how Seriatim measures up:

1) Irony is a cruel mistress.
One way to enhance your online charisma is through self-deprecation.

Rule #1 only applies if you're not a mf Supreme Court Justice. Suck it. Next.

2) Mind the allusions.
For some reason (don't ask me why) conservatives christen their sites with geek pop-culture references more often than liberals do.

Nope. Seriatim is an old legal word: "Seriatim, Latin for "in series," is a legal term typically used to indicate that a court is addressing multiple issues in a certain order, such as the order that the issues were originally presented to the court. A seriatim opinion describes an opinion delivered by a court with multiple judges, in which each judge reads his or her own opinion rather than a single judge writing an opinion on behalf of the entire court."

Next.

3) Inside jokes doom.
Nicknames and private giggles are fine for yearbook inscriptions and e-mail passwords, but as blog titles they're a nuisance.

Check and check. Next.

4) Choose antagonists wisely.
If your raison d'blog is to monitor and annoy another Web site—one you hate; one that formerly employed you—be sure you've got the right obsessive tendencies to keep up with your quarry and do only that.

Here's where Seriatim really shines. I call Frank Lasee a douchebag a lot, and that's wise.

5) Beware the pun.

As much as I disagree, this isn't the time nor the place.

6) MoveOn.Snore
Don't shy from tabloid pungency just because you want to appear thoughtful and sophisticated.

Preach it brother.

7) Embrace the solipsism.
Unlike Alterman and Ireland, most journos use their own bylines to identify their blogs. As Michael Kinsley previously wrote in Slate, even a "modest, soft-spoken, and self-effacing" journalist can appear an "egotistical monster" when www precedes his name.

We don't have to worry about whether the egotistical monsterdom is just an illusion masking modesty or softness of speech around here.

The Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: August Goes To...

*drumroll* Frank Lasee! Congratulations Frank. The award is for your Taxpayers Protection Pledge, where you "pledge" to the taxpayers of Wisconsin that you will "oppose and vote against any and all efforts to increase taxes."

I think Frank misunderstands the idea of government. Government collects money; government provides services with that money. Collecting money and spending money, I think, are related. So why don't you rename your little pledge the "Public Services Protection Pledge"? You can claim that no matter what public service the state government tries to provide for its people, you will categorically protect them from being able to receive its benefits.

Frank, for your contribution to douchebaggery in Wisconsin politics, I present you the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: August.

Previous winners:
July: Frank Lasee

Masturbating in Public

and getting caught. Sides v. City of Champaign is an unfortunate case of PDA gone horribly wrong. I think it's because he was doing it in a Target parking lot in front of his girlfriend, who was apparently in the passenger's seat of the car dude was using to block everyone else's view of his dong. Notice that it wasn't midnight alone in a Target parking lot; dude whipped it out at approximately 1pm in Champaign, IL.

The worst part: He got caught on video camera, and a Target employee called the police who came and arrested him. The claim up on appeal was the summary judgment dismissal of his 1983 claim (*yawn*), but the $$$ is the original $175 fine he got for the indecent exposure:

The officers cited Sides, but not Manuel, for violating Champaign’s public indecency ordinance, which prohibits anyone over sixteen years of age from performing acts of sexual intercourse, sexual penetration or “lewd exposure of the body” in public. Champaign Mun. Code § 23-111. The notice to appear listed a minimum fine amount of $175, which the city later claimed was imposed by the city municipal code. Id. § 1-21(b) & Table I. After investigation, Sides discovered that the minimum fine had not been listed in the appropriate section of the code published at the time he committed the offense; he argued to the state trial court that no such minimum fine applied to him. The court agreed, dismissing the city’s complaint without prejudice to refiling without the purported minimum fine. The city filed a new complaint as amended. City of Champaign v. Sides, 810 N.E.2d 287, 292, 294 (Ill. App. Ct. 2004). Sides was convicted and fined $500 under a jury instruction that permitted the jury to impose a fine from $1 to $750. See Champaign Mun. Code § 1-21(c).

The JP has never before seen someone with his foot that far in his mouth.

This is Why Duke Sucks

Mark your calendars Badger fans, because on Tuesday, November 27th at 7pm CST, the Badgers will battle the Dukies of this is why Duke sucks (SFW w/ headphones) fame in Cameron Indoor Stadium.

The JP hates Duke like he hates U.S. v. Lochner and insolent gavels, so I'm particularly excited to watch a Badger team that will be improved from last year (you heard it here first) beat up on some Dukie dookies.

Not a Yummy University

JP is a little disturbed by a nasty story coming out of the Big Wormy Apple. Apparently over the weekend a 20 year old woman was found locked dead in her bathroom decomposing after a few days in 90 degree heat (her neighbors smelled her). Now, another twist, and I think the CNN headline is brutal enough: "Police: Boyfriend Slits Wrists, Implicates Self in NYU Death."

Rough day for dude. Apparently he was seen both standing atop an NYC building and then, later, on the streets with slashed wrists. I wonder if they Mirandized him before they put him in the ambulance?

Giant Lego Man

washes up on Dutch shores. Alternate title: Dutch develop new mushroom that makes a camera hallucinate.

A tip of JP's gavel to Oberlizzle for the head's up.

Seventh Circuit Supports Suspicious Statistics

United States v. Schmitt, which came out of the hallowed Seventh Circuit today, vacated another sentence within the guidelines for a child porn connoisseur, although luckily not another imposed by the interminable Shabaz (it was from the EDW). The range was 63 to 78 months and dude got 63 months, but, through some mathmagical legal research, he was able to come up with an awesome statistic:

"At his sentencing hearing, he showed convincingly that the overwhelming majority of defendants charged with the same crime in the state courts covering the same area as the Eastern District of Wisconsin received sentences far lower than 63 months. Indeed, only nine of 104 defendants sentenced in the previous five years in those counties received any prison time at all. Schmitt argued to the district court that it should take this evidence into account and sentence him below the guideline minimum. The district judge disagreed and imposed a guideline sentence of 63 months."

The Seventh Circuit thought the sentencing judge was too confined by the advisory guidelines and vacated for resentencing. Along with being one of only 10 kiddie diddler watchers to serve time in his district, Schmitt apparently doubled as an amateur saint:

There is a difference between weighing the seriousness of a particular offense more heavily under § 3553(a), and feeling compelled to impose a guideline sentence for a particular class of crimes. The latter approach inappropriately limits the consideration that a district judge gives to the entire range of factors made relevant by § 3553(a) before choosing a sentence. It especially devalues those factors that are unique to an individual defendant—like the “wonderful things” noted by the district judge that were said about Schmitt—that are not taken into account when calculating the guideline range.

Maybe Judge Wood had sympathy for dude because he was caught by the Norwegian government:

In March 2004, the Norwegian government, attempting to identify potential possessors and distributors of child pornography, began investigating the global use of computer-based, peer-to-peer file sharing programs. In the course of that investigation, Schmitt’s internet protocol address was identified as having shared at least seven files containing child pornography. The Norwegians shared this information with the U.S. Federal Bureau of Investigation (“FBI”), which then pursued its own investigation.

Hey, the Norwegians get us all from time to time.

Oh No You Di'n't

The NYTimes has a scathing editorial on the new eavesdropping law that was passed yesterday. The NYTimes says that the law was originally supposed to fix a problem in the 1978 version (eavesdropping was only allowed without a warrant when one of the parties was outside the US, but a judge ruled that if the telecommunications even merely travel electronically into the states, you need a warrant) but Congress was "railroaded" into passing sweeping wiretapping reform:

"They gave the director of national intelligence and the attorney general authority to intercept — without warrant, court supervision or accountability — any telephone call or e-mail message that moves in, out of or through the United States as long as there is a 'reasonable belief' that one party is not in the United States."

They blame the aggressive executive for pushing bad policy and the chicken-hearted Democratic legislature for "caving" and passing the bill:

It was appalling to watch over the last few days as Congress — now led by Democrats — caved in to yet another unnecessary and dangerous expansion of President Bush’s powers, this time to spy on Americans in violation of basic constitutional rights. Many of the 16 Democrats in the Senate and 41 in the House who voted for the bill said that they had acted in the name of national security, but the only security at play was their job security.

Ooooh.

Steve Spurrier's

kind of an idiot. He's lambasting the University of South Carolina in the press for not admitting academically two students he made football scholarship offers.

"Hopefully, I truly believe this is the last year this is going to happen, because I can't operate like that," Spurrier said. "I can't operate misleading young men."

Spurrier signed a contract extension, which included a raise of nearly a half-million dollars, that ties him to South Carolina through 2012. However, he said if things didn't change on admissions "then I have to go somewhere else, because I can't tell the young man that he's coming to school here," then not have him admitted.

Solution: Stop telling them they're going to be guaranteed admission if you know there's an academic committee that has veto power? If he doesn't like that, hey, maybe he does need to leave. But he isn't forced to lie. Likely USC represented to Spurrier that they'd admit his recruits, but they don't have to. He works for them, not vice versa, and the athletic tail shouldn't be wagging the dog of the composition of USC's student body.

If you don't like it that way, Steve, why don't you go to the NFL? Oh wait, been there, done that:

Spurrier's failure was of a different kind. He was the coach, nothing else. He had a say in choosing players, but only a say often overruled by the owner. Snyder was demonstrably incompetent to make personnel decisions; he'd never played, never scouted, never worked in football. But he believes fervently and without exception in the golden rule: he who has the gold rules. So Snyder appointed himself the team's de facto general manager.

All Steve wants to do is everything Steve wants to do, and all these pesky teams keep putting the kabosh on his hallucination of traipsing unencumbered through the Elysian Fields of a football program. (Maybe you're not good enough.)

Hello Kitty, Meet Dante Aligheri

From ABC News via Above the Law: Thai Cops to wear "Hello Kitty" armbands as punishment.

"Simple warnings no longer work. This new twist is expected to make them feel guilt and shame and prevent them from repeating the offense, no matter how minor," said Pongpat, acting chief of the Crime Suppression Division in Bangkok.

"(Hello) Kitty is a cute icon for young girls. It's not something macho police officers want covering their biceps," Pongpat said.

Hmm, ok. So how does one earn a pink armband?

Police officers caught littering, parking in a prohibited area, or arriving late among other misdemeanors will be forced to stay in the division office and wear the armband all day, said Police Col. Pongpat Chayaphan. The officers won't wear the armband in public.

(1) The officers won't wear it in public? That's a cop-out (hA!). (2) Can't we be more creative than a Hello Kitty armband? If Dante Aligheri, author of The Divine Comedy, were the new police discipline director in Thailand, he'd have much better ideas.

If the officers are littering, put a Nerf-style basketball hoop over their head that the public can throw trash into on the street. If the officers park illegally, make them carry the car around on their back for a day to show them how big a pain in the ass it is to deal with a misplaced car. If they arrive late, force them to undergo lengthy and invasive medical testing by Thai high school biology students to try to find out why they're so lazy and insolent. Hello Kitty, while amusing, should only be the first step to cure Thai police misconduct through comedic contrapasso.

Update: Gordon Smith Not on BYU Web Faculty Listings

He is going to get to work with this guy though, who is a dead ringer for Milton from Office Space.

Unfortunate Law Firm URL

I'm sure the guys over at Morrison & Foerster LLP are bright folk. I mean, on their website, I see they've been named to the "Defense Hot List" for 2006 and are strengthening their international offices by adding seven lawyers in Tokyo.

Unfortunately, anyone who wants to see all this on the net has to type in http://www.mofo.com.

Life for Hainstock

Eric Hainstock, the student who shot Principal John Klang in school last September and motivated Frank Lasee to propose arming teachers, was sentenced to the mandatory minimum of life with a chance of parole in thirty years. The primary argumentative technique employed by the prosecution at sentencing was, um, pathos:

"I had gotten engaged four days before my dad passed away, and my new fiancé and I were planning to come down and tell my parents in person over the weekend. We waited all week. We were so excited, and I ended up telling my mom some of the happiest news of my life in the waiting room at the hospital while my dad was dying," said Kerri Klang, daughter of John Klang.

Hmm, relevant? She isn't suing for IIED is she?

"The only one I have not seen shed a tear is Eric himself. I have yet to see any sign of remorse," she said. "Less than two hours after he shot John, he told detectives he was hungry, so they gave him something to eat. He then sat there and ate a sandwich with my husband's blood literally still on his hands."

The JP will not condescend to some cheesy joke about mistaken ketchup identity.

"He's not heartless. People don't know him like we do. He's a loving boy. Everybody tries to paint a picture that he's evil and he's not," Shawn Hainstock [Eric's father] said.

Does the whambulance-like nature of sentencing bother anyone else? At some level, doesn't allowing the family sob fest in court make killing someone with a big family more culpable, sentence-wise, than killing someone whose lifestyle didn't motivate scores of people to testify at his/her behalf? Asking myself, naturally, WWWJDD, he'd tell me to read the statute, and I wouldn't find anything about first-degree murder of a cool guy being different than first-degree murder of a dbag. Someone needs to reel in the testimony allowed at sentencing...

Sauce Watch: Schnockerdom

Victory Golden Monkey: Good tripel. You can probably do better for the $$$ ($11.29/6), but it makes a very nice Sunday morning breakfast beer.

Farmhouse Saison 7: I had this first with Oberlizzle, he tried it first, and the first thing he said was 'this tastes just like spotted cow.' Luckily, he was wrong: It isn't as tasty as Hennepin's Farmhouse Saison, but it's still pretty good.

Rogue's Brutal Bitter: Good pale ale; probably not worth the price though.

Founder's Dry-Hopped Pale Ale: If you drink one of these and one of the Brutal Bitter's back to back, you can taste the dry-hopping difference: It's not quite as full and a bit more astringent, but very nice cold after a round of golf.

Your Daily Dose of Frank Lasee

If you're enough of an idiot to read more than two or three posts on this blog, you've heard of Frank Lasee, the shit-for-brains Wisconsin State Rep who advocates both diverting money from education and purchasing firearms for educators. What do you tell an insolent fourth grader with two holes in his head? Nothing, you already told him twice.

Last Friday, Frank proposed reducing the number of counties in Wisconsin. I have to say, facially, that does appear to be a piece of not-totally-moronic-like-arming-teachers nugget of policy coming from the desk of our hero. He doesn't even any crack jokes at the disabled, poor, or ethnically-diverse while explaining its merits.

Unfortunately, this is the point where things start to head south for Mr. Lasee. What are the "merits" of this proposal?

"There are 31 states with fewer counties than Wisconsin. Ten of those states have more people than Wisconsin."

First of all, what in the name of Oliver Wendall Holmes is Lasee trying to say? 31 states with fewer counties than Wisconsin, and 10 of those 31 have more people than Wisconsin. Well, so 18 states have more counties than Wisconsin, what if 10 of them have fewer people? Then we're still at the county/population ratio median. The JP suspects that, even if Mr. Lasee wants to assume that Wisconsin should blindly pursue the median in Federalist politics, his attempt at bolstering his argument statistically was both vain and in vain.

Unfortunately for him and the rest of Wisconsin that wants to at least pretend to have a legitimate state government, Lasee continues:

Each county runs large operations like jails, courts, landfills, highway departments and welfare services.

The bill would create a task force to look at combining counties. Some counties already have contracted with other counties for services. There are counties that have combined services through cooperative agreements.

If we continue to do things the way we have always done them, we will continue to get the same results. What I have noticed is that our government continues to grow faster than our paychecks. Us citizens are losing ground to our government. I believe combining counties could provide efficiencies and save money on major services without losing our representative government.

Hey, that almost sounds like coherent, rational justification. When I read through that part the first time, I was like hey, give me back Frank Lasee and get rid of this pod person or else I'm not going to have anything to make fun of on my blog. Things aren't that dire, though: I think Frank's arguing here for bigger government, yes? I agree wholeheartedly that it's generally more efficient to have fewer, bigger governments serving more people. I just don't think you really do, Frank, considering you're always looking to cut taxes and slash funding. Let's combine county government... and not fund them!