There haven't been any posts here forever because all of the sudden us law students became responsible for the information that previously seemed silly to bother to learn. Hopefully next semester we'll get off to another start.
Take it sleazy.
Monday
Wednesday
The Allure of Harry Potter and The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock: On Self-Execution
Magic. It’s what happens when we utter some words, think in a certain way, and “it” does what we want for us.
As everyone has experienced far too many times, it’s pretty hard to do everything we’d like to do. Social situations are often frought with the necessity of preserving several different rapports simultaneously; if offered the chance to talk to any of these four people individually, I’m sure I could construct a reasonable response to that question. Even when dealing with one person (most prominently, and the focus of the titular poem, the current subject of our more primal desires) it’s pretty tough to really say what you mean to say.
But it isn’t like your inability to immediately correctly deal with that question is a sign of a flaw in your conceptual scheme: You got flummoxed for hormonal and reptilian reasons, among others, totally independent of the validity of how you like to live your life. If only we could walk around as representations of our inner selves that people could see and understand without our having to execute them. A manifestation of our algorithm; our painting; the sculpture of what we can be.
At some level, that’s what the magic is in the Harry Potter books. Hermione is tragically undergifted, so, although she knows the precise methodology behind the execution, there’s an inherent power missing from what comes out. Longbottom’s magic emulates his being too: More times then not, the way he’s trying to represent himself comes out awkwardly and differently from what was intended. Harry, the golden boy, doesn’t necessarily grasp every concept at first coup, but, when he does, the results emanate the strength that can only be given. Because the “inner” is outwardly visible, the representations are capable of interpretive empirical evaluation themselves. The only defense to mistake is faulty effort.
Pondering magic led me, perhaps invariably, to Eliot, and his lamentations in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. One of the most popular poems of the 20th century (and, anecdotally, extremely popular among English majors at my undergraduate institution), Prufrock strums on our heartstrings by putting us in the eyes of a “paralyzed” protagonist. Al cannot do anything because it might be incorrect. It’s hard enough to be cool when you’re worried that the surrounding people might think you’re a stout short of a sixer, but Prufrock’s even worried that, as an awkward fellow, he’ll do things that not even he himself would approve of.
He just wants there to be something he can show: “It is impossible to say just what I mean! / But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen…” He’s done a lot of stuff, has a lot to tell, gathered up a lot of “butt-ends of my days and ways” that people want him to “spit out.” What more does he have to do to get the girl to stop being coy and like him?
He has to do it. Harry is like a Prufrock that gets his nerves in patterns on a screen whenever he casts a spell: Everyone’s always like “Holy shit Harry, you’re the bomb, I can’t believe the inner you was able to do such a thing!”
And thus the modern notion of confidence observed by Eliot and finessed by Rowling: People admire the way you do something because it tells them, well, that the people you’ve done this to before must have liked it well enough to respond in a way that encouraged you to do it again. And that’s generally true: We can all remember a few moments in our life where we got seriously called out for something to the point where it makes you nauseas to think about doing it again for fear of the same severe reprimand.
Instead of that being a flaw in execution, though, it could be an adorable dimple on the observable manifestation of yourself; A missing antler on Harry’s Patronus. Something on you, instead of something about you. How you’re showing yourself is only a part of it, of course, until you try to figure out what the hell is going on with the person next to you.
You should just cast a spell on them.
As everyone has experienced far too many times, it’s pretty hard to do everything we’d like to do. Social situations are often frought with the necessity of preserving several different rapports simultaneously; if offered the chance to talk to any of these four people individually, I’m sure I could construct a reasonable response to that question. Even when dealing with one person (most prominently, and the focus of the titular poem, the current subject of our more primal desires) it’s pretty tough to really say what you mean to say.
But it isn’t like your inability to immediately correctly deal with that question is a sign of a flaw in your conceptual scheme: You got flummoxed for hormonal and reptilian reasons, among others, totally independent of the validity of how you like to live your life. If only we could walk around as representations of our inner selves that people could see and understand without our having to execute them. A manifestation of our algorithm; our painting; the sculpture of what we can be.
At some level, that’s what the magic is in the Harry Potter books. Hermione is tragically undergifted, so, although she knows the precise methodology behind the execution, there’s an inherent power missing from what comes out. Longbottom’s magic emulates his being too: More times then not, the way he’s trying to represent himself comes out awkwardly and differently from what was intended. Harry, the golden boy, doesn’t necessarily grasp every concept at first coup, but, when he does, the results emanate the strength that can only be given. Because the “inner” is outwardly visible, the representations are capable of interpretive empirical evaluation themselves. The only defense to mistake is faulty effort.
Pondering magic led me, perhaps invariably, to Eliot, and his lamentations in The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. One of the most popular poems of the 20th century (and, anecdotally, extremely popular among English majors at my undergraduate institution), Prufrock strums on our heartstrings by putting us in the eyes of a “paralyzed” protagonist. Al cannot do anything because it might be incorrect. It’s hard enough to be cool when you’re worried that the surrounding people might think you’re a stout short of a sixer, but Prufrock’s even worried that, as an awkward fellow, he’ll do things that not even he himself would approve of.
He just wants there to be something he can show: “It is impossible to say just what I mean! / But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen…” He’s done a lot of stuff, has a lot to tell, gathered up a lot of “butt-ends of my days and ways” that people want him to “spit out.” What more does he have to do to get the girl to stop being coy and like him?
He has to do it. Harry is like a Prufrock that gets his nerves in patterns on a screen whenever he casts a spell: Everyone’s always like “Holy shit Harry, you’re the bomb, I can’t believe the inner you was able to do such a thing!”
And thus the modern notion of confidence observed by Eliot and finessed by Rowling: People admire the way you do something because it tells them, well, that the people you’ve done this to before must have liked it well enough to respond in a way that encouraged you to do it again. And that’s generally true: We can all remember a few moments in our life where we got seriously called out for something to the point where it makes you nauseas to think about doing it again for fear of the same severe reprimand.
Instead of that being a flaw in execution, though, it could be an adorable dimple on the observable manifestation of yourself; A missing antler on Harry’s Patronus. Something on you, instead of something about you. How you’re showing yourself is only a part of it, of course, until you try to figure out what the hell is going on with the person next to you.
You should just cast a spell on them.
Second-to-last last day of skool
It's the Wednesday before reading week
and all through the school
not a prof makes any sense;
it's like it's a rule.
But, nonetheless, tis the season for the professorial post-class applause that's been pretty standard since I arrived. Why should you clap for a teacher at the end of a class? Is it a way to bridge the gap between the wide-eyed thoughts that your professor lives in the school of yesteryear and the very real idea of having to confront them in a courtroom in the future? Is it meant to make the prof feel complacent about the students' attitudes and scale back his/her final accordingly? Are we just monkeys that clap when anything ends?
Who knows. But, a warning to unrepentent instructors: Your right to congratulatory applause is, like a tip at a restaurant, dependent on you not being a total d-bag all semester. There are exceptions (my 15 person seminar class didn't clap, because the room wouldn't fit it) but, if you're waiting at the front of the room for questions/applause on the last day, and the room's empty, I'd suggest making your class (1) easier; (2) shorter; (3) easier; and (4) more fun.
and all through the school
not a prof makes any sense;
it's like it's a rule.
But, nonetheless, tis the season for the professorial post-class applause that's been pretty standard since I arrived. Why should you clap for a teacher at the end of a class? Is it a way to bridge the gap between the wide-eyed thoughts that your professor lives in the school of yesteryear and the very real idea of having to confront them in a courtroom in the future? Is it meant to make the prof feel complacent about the students' attitudes and scale back his/her final accordingly? Are we just monkeys that clap when anything ends?
Who knows. But, a warning to unrepentent instructors: Your right to congratulatory applause is, like a tip at a restaurant, dependent on you not being a total d-bag all semester. There are exceptions (my 15 person seminar class didn't clap, because the room wouldn't fit it) but, if you're waiting at the front of the room for questions/applause on the last day, and the room's empty, I'd suggest making your class (1) easier; (2) shorter; (3) easier; and (4) more fun.
I'm not sure either
I'm a Carolyn Kizer fan: Except when she talks about her masturbatory traveling (which, to be fair, is pretty often) her stuff is to the point and not so esoteric that it takes a degree in English and rote memorization of Shakespeare to get all the allusions. For example:
"Election Day, 1984"
Did you ever see someone coldcock a blind nun?
Well, I did. Two helpful idiots
Steered her across the tarmac to her plane
And led her smack into the wing.
She deplaned with two black eyes & a crooked wimple,
Bruised proof that the distinction is not simple
Between ineptitude and evil.
Today, with the President's red button playing
Such a prominent role,
Though I can't vote for it, I wonder
If evil could be safer, on the whole.
--Carolyn Kizer
"Election Day, 1984"
Did you ever see someone coldcock a blind nun?
Well, I did. Two helpful idiots
Steered her across the tarmac to her plane
And led her smack into the wing.
She deplaned with two black eyes & a crooked wimple,
Bruised proof that the distinction is not simple
Between ineptitude and evil.
Today, with the President's red button playing
Such a prominent role,
Though I can't vote for it, I wonder
If evil could be safer, on the whole.
--Carolyn Kizer
Quantum physics, meet scientific arrogance
From Australian news: We may have expedited the impending doom of the universe by trying to measure dark matter? "Incredible as it seems, our detection of the dark energy may have reduced the life expectancy of the universe," said Mr Krauss. We may have snatched away the possibility of long-term survival for our universe and made it more likely it will decay."
You know what, I really don't think so. I've seen the little experiment with the light going through the holes differently depending on whether it's being measured or not, but man, I'd be surprised if our universe was so fragile that we could screw something up just by trying to look at or measure it.
We're just so bad at saying we really have no idea.
You know what, I really don't think so. I've seen the little experiment with the light going through the holes differently depending on whether it's being measured or not, but man, I'd be surprised if our universe was so fragile that we could screw something up just by trying to look at or measure it.
We're just so bad at saying we really have no idea.
Monday
Pot hits the spot
From the Brits via Breezy: "The California Pacific Medical Center Research Institute team are hopeful that cannabidiol or CBD could be a non-toxic alternative to chemotherapy."
Of course this'll never go anywhere because Americans are paranoid about dope, but what if cancer patients had a choice between hours and hours of radiation therapy or getting stoned? The chemotherapy business would be in trouble.
Of course this'll never go anywhere because Americans are paranoid about dope, but what if cancer patients had a choice between hours and hours of radiation therapy or getting stoned? The chemotherapy business would be in trouble.
Wednesday
Beernerds
Finally one-stop shopping for all of your Midwestern brewskie information. I just checked it out briefly, via Oberslice, but there's information about the Miller Coors merger that would've been really helpful about a week ago when I had to write that paper.
Monday
Thursday
"Documents Show Joe McCarthy Was Right."
I copied and pasted that from the Conservapedia main page. I'm serious. Then they go on to quote Ann Coulter re: Joe McCarthy. I probably wouldn't believe Ann Coulter if she told me she was going to eat small animals for lunch.
Monday
Colbert
is running on both tickets next November, and people are trying to figure out the effect that's going to have. I personally could care less (except Colbert's funny sometimes) but I'm a little skeptical of the organization gathering the data for this article.
"Public Opinion Strategies, a Republican polling firm, recently completed a national poll of 1,000 likely 2008 voters that included Colbert's name in both the GOP and Democratic primaries."
No, I don't give two shits that they're a Republican firm, I just don't think I can come around and believe anyone from an organization that chooses to affix to their name the following moniker:
"'It's clear that Colbert's truthiness image and 'I am America' message has serious resonance among Democrats,' said Neil Newhouse, a POS partner."
The man is a POS partner at a GOP gig, and he thinks people are going to listen to his interpretations of Colbert's "resonance"* among Dems?
* "Resonance" in this context just made JP's list of 10 least favorite words in the English language, coming in between "feelings" (as used in the 'wahhhh wahhhh' sense) and "small-boobied" (what a nasty thing to call someone!)
"Public Opinion Strategies, a Republican polling firm, recently completed a national poll of 1,000 likely 2008 voters that included Colbert's name in both the GOP and Democratic primaries."
No, I don't give two shits that they're a Republican firm, I just don't think I can come around and believe anyone from an organization that chooses to affix to their name the following moniker:
"'It's clear that Colbert's truthiness image and 'I am America' message has serious resonance among Democrats,' said Neil Newhouse, a POS partner."
The man is a POS partner at a GOP gig, and he thinks people are going to listen to his interpretations of Colbert's "resonance"* among Dems?
* "Resonance" in this context just made JP's list of 10 least favorite words in the English language, coming in between "feelings" (as used in the 'wahhhh wahhhh' sense) and "small-boobied" (what a nasty thing to call someone!)
Remember the Exxon Valdez?
Yeah, barely, me too. But there are some lawyers who can't forget: The Supreme Court is still trying to decide how many punnies (PYOO-nees) Exxon should pay for that whole bumblefuck. Exxon says $2.5 billion is excessive, and apparently the fight was hard on the affirmatives: "Lawyers for the plaintiffs, some of whom are deceased, said the damages award is 'barely more than three weeks of Exxon's net profits.'"
That's the best argument I've ever heard a dead lawyer make. If JP had his druthers, there'd have been a freshly-carved gavel hitting mahogeny a loooong time ago in this affair.
That's the best argument I've ever heard a dead lawyer make. If JP had his druthers, there'd have been a freshly-carved gavel hitting mahogeny a loooong time ago in this affair.
The most insane Packer fan lives in...
Well, Green Bay now, but it was Australia just a little while ago.
Wayne Scullino just moved to Green Bay from Sydney, Australia with his family for the sole purpose of satiating his ravenous hunger for Packermania. "The family is following the Packers to every game, all season, at home and way. Scullino quit his job and the family is financing the pilgrimage with the money they made from selling their Australian home."
Anyone want to go to Australia and follow a Rugby League team for an entire season?
Wayne Scullino just moved to Green Bay from Sydney, Australia with his family for the sole purpose of satiating his ravenous hunger for Packermania. "The family is following the Packers to every game, all season, at home and way. Scullino quit his job and the family is financing the pilgrimage with the money they made from selling their Australian home."
Anyone want to go to Australia and follow a Rugby League team for an entire season?
Wednesday
What are you arguing for, sir?
Roland Martin, who JP'd never heard of, wrote a little polemic on marriage for cnn.com. The title is "Saving Marriages must be a National Priority," and, after chronicling his eight-year-old failed marriage, (which he, surprise of all surprises, thought shouldn't have ended) he wrote a particularly sappy and uninformative review of a movie where eight marriages aren't perfect. Mr. Martin thinks that's realistic.
Enter the specious arguments: "I strongly believe that for too many of us, we've accepted the notion that marriage will be perfect; that we won't endure trials and tribulations. But that isn't true. In fact, where is that ever true than in someone's fantasy life? What's amazing to me is that when faced with difficulty on the job, so many of us will buckle down and work harder to prove ourselves worthy to keep that job. But at home, we'd rather leave, even if that means putting our kids through a divorce."
First of all, with all due respect sir, this guy *two thumbs in* wants a fantasy life, and telling me something isn't going to be like it is in my fantasies just makes me think 'hmm, maybe I'll pass on this one and choose something that will be like my fantasies.' I like my fantasies.
Next, aside from the Protestant work ethic-ish theme of just continuing to work hard at something and eventually everything will work out, isn't there something missing here? When faced with difficulty on the job, don't we sometimes quit? If marriage is such a shitshow, where's the treatment of not getting married? It's like lamenting the depth and spikyness of a deep pit while ushering people to jump in. The counterargument is obvious in his job example: If they fire me and I can't find another job, I'm up shit creek without any TP. If I get divorced, I'll get a little peace and quiet.
Let me conclude you with Mr. Martin's conclusion: "Is it you I'm speaking to? Are you in the position where your marriage is crumbling before your very eyes? If so, take action today. Don't let divorce end it all. Remember, your trial today could eventually be your testimony tomorrow." First, how about the awful word choice picking 'trial' to operate as the antithesis to testimony, which is apparently related to a courtroom. Second, if it's you he's speaking to, you already fucked up. You're not going to get out with all of your appendages. Sorry!
Enter the specious arguments: "I strongly believe that for too many of us, we've accepted the notion that marriage will be perfect; that we won't endure trials and tribulations. But that isn't true. In fact, where is that ever true than in someone's fantasy life? What's amazing to me is that when faced with difficulty on the job, so many of us will buckle down and work harder to prove ourselves worthy to keep that job. But at home, we'd rather leave, even if that means putting our kids through a divorce."
First of all, with all due respect sir, this guy *two thumbs in* wants a fantasy life, and telling me something isn't going to be like it is in my fantasies just makes me think 'hmm, maybe I'll pass on this one and choose something that will be like my fantasies.' I like my fantasies.
Next, aside from the Protestant work ethic-ish theme of just continuing to work hard at something and eventually everything will work out, isn't there something missing here? When faced with difficulty on the job, don't we sometimes quit? If marriage is such a shitshow, where's the treatment of not getting married? It's like lamenting the depth and spikyness of a deep pit while ushering people to jump in. The counterargument is obvious in his job example: If they fire me and I can't find another job, I'm up shit creek without any TP. If I get divorced, I'll get a little peace and quiet.
Let me conclude you with Mr. Martin's conclusion: "Is it you I'm speaking to? Are you in the position where your marriage is crumbling before your very eyes? If so, take action today. Don't let divorce end it all. Remember, your trial today could eventually be your testimony tomorrow." First, how about the awful word choice picking 'trial' to operate as the antithesis to testimony, which is apparently related to a courtroom. Second, if it's you he's speaking to, you already fucked up. You're not going to get out with all of your appendages. Sorry!
Tuesday
Antitrust Flatulance Regulation
Professor Carstensen just informed our antitrust class of a violation due to excluding someone for 'passing gas'.
JP: farting?
Dr. Nugz: I think so
JP: excluding someone who farts can be an antitrust violation?
Dr. Nugz: That was the thought.
Wow.
JP: farting?
Dr. Nugz: I think so
JP: excluding someone who farts can be an antitrust violation?
Dr. Nugz: That was the thought.
Wow.
4 out of 5 fans aren't megalomaniacs
From ESPN.com: 1 in 5 fans do things to improve their favorite team's luck. I think this is the same sort of self-delusion that motivates people to buy lottery tickets: For some reason, people want to think that what they do and how they act has some sort of cosmic effect. "It's my birthday, I'm going to buy a lottery ticket!" As if the fact that it's your birthday has some sort of effect on either the number of winning tickets put out.
We all want to think that someone's upstairs keeping tally of our virtues and vices and somehow relating them to the random things that happen in the world, and it's a little depressing to realize that no, there's no score, no one's upstairs, and what you see is what you get. Stop brushing with different toothbrushes depending on who your team is playing and start, well, living in reality.
We all want to think that someone's upstairs keeping tally of our virtues and vices and somehow relating them to the random things that happen in the world, and it's a little depressing to realize that no, there's no score, no one's upstairs, and what you see is what you get. Stop brushing with different toothbrushes depending on who your team is playing and start, well, living in reality.
Monday
Frank Lasee, meet the Green Bay Gazette
On October 14th, the Green Bay Gazette interviewed our favorite moronic Wisconsin legislator Dr. Franky L. We learned lots of interesting stuff:
-Frank was on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart after he announced his 'more guns in schools' platform.
-Frank likes us: "Q. You don't think it's fair that the Journal Sentinel columnist brought up your personal information. A. You know, I'm an elected official, I guess I'm a pinata, you can attack me, and that's part of life — I have a third child, I have three daughters who are wonderful, beautiful."
-If you're wondering what the end of that quote is about, Franky confirmed the existence of an out-of-wedlock daughter, which means we can talk about it all we want without fear of a defamation action. He hates himself, though: "I highly recommend the more preferred order of getting married and then have children. I would recommend that for everyone."
Only one more little tidbit merits mention. In defense of guns in schools: "Are you aware that today we have gun safes that are only accessible by thumbprints, up to five thumbprints? Some of the argument or concern was that students might get hold of a school's weapon easily … the protocol I would expect schools to be taught is that the weapon is only to be taken out when someone is in the school or coming into the school with a gun."
It's always nice when those school shooters call in advance so we can get our whole faculty over to the gun safe to open it up and be ready for them!
-Frank was on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart after he announced his 'more guns in schools' platform.
-Frank likes us: "Q. You don't think it's fair that the Journal Sentinel columnist brought up your personal information. A. You know, I'm an elected official, I guess I'm a pinata, you can attack me, and that's part of life — I have a third child, I have three daughters who are wonderful, beautiful."
-If you're wondering what the end of that quote is about, Franky confirmed the existence of an out-of-wedlock daughter, which means we can talk about it all we want without fear of a defamation action. He hates himself, though: "I highly recommend the more preferred order of getting married and then have children. I would recommend that for everyone."
Only one more little tidbit merits mention. In defense of guns in schools: "Are you aware that today we have gun safes that are only accessible by thumbprints, up to five thumbprints? Some of the argument or concern was that students might get hold of a school's weapon easily … the protocol I would expect schools to be taught is that the weapon is only to be taken out when someone is in the school or coming into the school with a gun."
It's always nice when those school shooters call in advance so we can get our whole faculty over to the gun safe to open it up and be ready for them!
Sunday
Dumbeldore is Gay!
J.K. Rowling steps up the controversy a little bit! http://www.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/books/10/20/harry.potter.ap/index.html And it's about time, too. There are not enough gay wizards in children's books.
Friday
It's Rocktober, baby!
And at least for now, I can write that on my blog without fear of a trademark infringement action. The Rockies want to trademark 'Rocktober'. The Greatest Snow on Earth, anyone?
Thanks, oldest male member of my immediate family!
California has outlawed 'Mom', 'Dad', 'husband' and 'wife' from its public schools, because they're anti-gay. Pretty soon we're going to run out of words: Isn't the word 'rich' pretty denigrating to poor people? Perhaps Schwarzenegger (he seriously is the governor of Cali) thinks forcing young people to come up with roundabout ways to express simple concepts better prepares them for a career in politics or literature? I wonder what happens if they show Star Wars in a California school: Do they have to edit it to say 'Luke, I am the man who engaged in coitus with your mother causing your formation'?
Wednesday
Everybody's going crazzzzy
1. There's some strange guy who's been in the law school before who apparently is not dangerous. The three emails all law students have received, including a pdf picture attachment, insisting that we not talk to said man and report any sightings to the administration, are really convincing. I have to say, I kind of like the post-VATech world where administrations are rushing to give the students information, in direct contradiction of the time-honored tradition of not telling the students bupkiss.
2. Brides are totally psycho. Reason #34205 not to get married.
3. In a heated debate between China and the US over Dalai Lama recognition, the PR got a little sloppy: "We in no way want to stir the pot and make China feel that we are poking a stick in their eyes." Despite the awkward use of diction and metaphor, that's in fact a quote from the White House Press Secretary and not any foreign diplomats who would have an excuse for butchering English.
UPDATE: From the comments: "Re: #2, it's equally as much of a reason not to become a lawyer. Or ever talk to them." I would like to reiterate that Seriatim does not recommend conversing, talking, interacting, or otherwise dealing with anyone who could, should, may, might, or would be a lawyer, advocate, solicitor, barrister or counsel. Although it's not dangerous, you should call the police if you think you see one of these people around.
2. Brides are totally psycho. Reason #34205 not to get married.
3. In a heated debate between China and the US over Dalai Lama recognition, the PR got a little sloppy: "We in no way want to stir the pot and make China feel that we are poking a stick in their eyes." Despite the awkward use of diction and metaphor, that's in fact a quote from the White House Press Secretary and not any foreign diplomats who would have an excuse for butchering English.
UPDATE: From the comments: "Re: #2, it's equally as much of a reason not to become a lawyer. Or ever talk to them." I would like to reiterate that Seriatim does not recommend conversing, talking, interacting, or otherwise dealing with anyone who could, should, may, might, or would be a lawyer, advocate, solicitor, barrister or counsel. Although it's not dangerous, you should call the police if you think you see one of these people around.
Monday
Dieting at Hardee's
I'd recommend against it. So does CNN.com. Hardee's is putting out a breakfast burrito with 920 calories and 60 grams of fat, to go along with their 1100 calorie, 83 gram of fat chicken salad and 1420 calorie double thickburger.
JP couldn't care less, especially from a public policy point of view. I am a little concerned about how some of these nuts are arguing against Hardee's:
The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a Washington-based advocate for nutrition and health, has called the Hardee's line of Thickburgers "food porn."
Food porn? Trying to fathom what that actually means has taken my attention span from the first 10 minutes out of my final class of the afternoon. Let's suffice it to say that they're using the word porn in a negative context, which, outside the company of nuns or jilted-ex-pornstar-lovers (in which case you don't bring it up and just smile and nod), should never happen.
If you want to make a point about high-fat food, fine, waste your breath, but leave the nudie industry out of it. Or, at the absolute worst, combine the two in some clever manner to argue that Hardee's is giving us lower quality porn (use your imagination).
JP couldn't care less, especially from a public policy point of view. I am a little concerned about how some of these nuts are arguing against Hardee's:
The Center for Science in the Public Interest, a Washington-based advocate for nutrition and health, has called the Hardee's line of Thickburgers "food porn."
Food porn? Trying to fathom what that actually means has taken my attention span from the first 10 minutes out of my final class of the afternoon. Let's suffice it to say that they're using the word porn in a negative context, which, outside the company of nuns or jilted-ex-pornstar-lovers (in which case you don't bring it up and just smile and nod), should never happen.
If you want to make a point about high-fat food, fine, waste your breath, but leave the nudie industry out of it. Or, at the absolute worst, combine the two in some clever manner to argue that Hardee's is giving us lower quality porn (use your imagination).
New Adventures in Laseeland
As many of you know, Frank Lasee is no longer accepting comments from anyone. Notably, he isn't taking mine, or Dr. Nugz', any more either. Saddened, we sat around for a week or so figuring out how to communicate with our favorite mentally-handicapped Wisconsin representative.
Luckily, we've emerged from our mourning refreshed, like a Conservative when students are murdered at our universities, and started "You Lied from Bench!"
"You Lied from Bench" basically exemplifies why we all love Franky. While most mere mortals would be too stressed out to come up with something brilliant in between firing your divorce lawyer in open court and being held in contempt by the judge for insubordination, Frank was cool, calm and collected when push came to shove and expressed his dismay at the judge's lying shenanigans with remarkable clarity and brevity. Because this phrase really exemplifies the antifreeze in that man's blood, we've decided to escroq it as our new Frank Lasee strawman. Bon appetite!
Luckily, we've emerged from our mourning refreshed, like a Conservative when students are murdered at our universities, and started "You Lied from Bench!"
"You Lied from Bench" basically exemplifies why we all love Franky. While most mere mortals would be too stressed out to come up with something brilliant in between firing your divorce lawyer in open court and being held in contempt by the judge for insubordination, Frank was cool, calm and collected when push came to shove and expressed his dismay at the judge's lying shenanigans with remarkable clarity and brevity. Because this phrase really exemplifies the antifreeze in that man's blood, we've decided to escroq it as our new Frank Lasee strawman. Bon appetite!
ND Sucks!
Nice program guys. Who wants to sit on the bench for a one-win team when you can play for a decent one?
Mid-Semester Lull
It's that time of the semester again here at the JPSLS. You have your weekly poo-list of things to get done (extra bonus loser points for having a device costing more than a hat to carry these tidbits around), you've done it a few times, and now you're bored of it.
We all are. The novelty of the new year is gone, and the anxiety of finals is far enough off (read: they aren't tomorrow) to be able to put them outside of your head and treat classes as something you're merely morally obligated to sit through. What's the prof talking about? Who cares, I'll learn it for the final.
I think Dean Davis needs to take some initiative here. If we're going to pretend to be a mediocre law school, our administration needs to jump in in times like these and rescue us from our inevitable fate of total apathy with anything school-related.
I suggest a kegger. I'd suggest keggers, but for some reason that means more than one kegger instead of a kegger with more than one keg. It's Monday, and your students are suffering through the alcohol withdrawal that lasts until Thursday when we can drink our faces off again. If you really want to turn this ship (or even give some indication that there's someone behind the wheel), this is the time when the big sluggers come to bat. Maybe the student body would be willing to forgive some of your intense incompetance if you would provide us generally with more alcohol. It's worth a shot: Sitting on your lawrels hasn't been working very well.
We all are. The novelty of the new year is gone, and the anxiety of finals is far enough off (read: they aren't tomorrow) to be able to put them outside of your head and treat classes as something you're merely morally obligated to sit through. What's the prof talking about? Who cares, I'll learn it for the final.
I think Dean Davis needs to take some initiative here. If we're going to pretend to be a mediocre law school, our administration needs to jump in in times like these and rescue us from our inevitable fate of total apathy with anything school-related.
I suggest a kegger. I'd suggest keggers, but for some reason that means more than one kegger instead of a kegger with more than one keg. It's Monday, and your students are suffering through the alcohol withdrawal that lasts until Thursday when we can drink our faces off again. If you really want to turn this ship (or even give some indication that there's someone behind the wheel), this is the time when the big sluggers come to bat. Maybe the student body would be willing to forgive some of your intense incompetance if you would provide us generally with more alcohol. It's worth a shot: Sitting on your lawrels hasn't been working very well.
Commercial insanity
If you've been watching TV at all over the last month or so, you've probably seen the commercial for this pick-up truck. There's a road through a desert surrounded by big mountains (there's something inherently masculine about a topolist's version of large boobies) and for some reason they built two pendulums holding up I-Beams that swing lengthwise across the road, presumably to inflict a combination of impaling and crushing on any oncoming car.
Enter the truck of some brand I don't remember. It's towing a 19th century pullcart of sandbags, and occasionally the cameraman pans in to a close-up of the mighty beast's internal organs slaving at the whim of the driver. The pick-up approaches the two relatively-closely-placed I-Beam pendulums. It races in past the first falling I-Beam, stops at a line in the middle, and then accelerates to get away from the oncoming second swinging heavy metal object. After the truck makes it, of course, the camera pans out to a sky-view of the prodigious clusterfuck.
Either the message was buy our car because we spend our R&D money gratuitously on silly, expensive stunts for our commericials, or I'm missing something. You could push an old clunker through the same set-up... if you got to decide all the specs before you started. It reminds me of the commercial where the dude is slamming his hand down on paper cups that may, or may not, have a sharp knife underneath, and he's blindfolded and shit. You know what's going to happen through: Network TV errs on the side of not showing dudes with real knives through their hand. I think he'll be fine.
I'm confident, all you corporations, that you can find elaborate ways to do stupid things. It'd just be nice to think that it weren't all so staged that stupidity couldn't invade stupidity. Take 2.
Enter the truck of some brand I don't remember. It's towing a 19th century pullcart of sandbags, and occasionally the cameraman pans in to a close-up of the mighty beast's internal organs slaving at the whim of the driver. The pick-up approaches the two relatively-closely-placed I-Beam pendulums. It races in past the first falling I-Beam, stops at a line in the middle, and then accelerates to get away from the oncoming second swinging heavy metal object. After the truck makes it, of course, the camera pans out to a sky-view of the prodigious clusterfuck.
Either the message was buy our car because we spend our R&D money gratuitously on silly, expensive stunts for our commericials, or I'm missing something. You could push an old clunker through the same set-up... if you got to decide all the specs before you started. It reminds me of the commercial where the dude is slamming his hand down on paper cups that may, or may not, have a sharp knife underneath, and he's blindfolded and shit. You know what's going to happen through: Network TV errs on the side of not showing dudes with real knives through their hand. I think he'll be fine.
I'm confident, all you corporations, that you can find elaborate ways to do stupid things. It'd just be nice to think that it weren't all so staged that stupidity couldn't invade stupidity. Take 2.
Thursday
Ian's Pizza makes a...
Reuben pizza, complete with corned beef, kraut, tons of cheese and thousand island dressing for sauce. If you haven't tried it (and, for extra credit, followed it up with a slice of the Mac & Cheese), you haven't been living.
We'll give you another chance. Ians.
We'll give you another chance. Ians.
Wednesday
Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: They're at it again
Most people have probably heard about the school shooting in Cleveland today. What you didn't know is that there's an easy solution to this problem. From Conservapedia's main page:
"ANOTHER HARVEST OF SHAME FOR FAILING TO TEACH BIBLE-BASED MORALITY IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS: THE CARNAGE CONTINUES!"
Let's take a look back at the effect of bible-based morality on violence throughout history:
First, and perhaps most obviously, we have the Crusades. Or, to be more accurate, there were nine to thirteen Crusades (depending on who you ask) over about two centuries. The most notable shame harvest during this period was the Children's Crusade, where lots of children were sent to fight the Muslims. The influence of bible-based morality was obviously crucial in preventing deaths among our young people.
The Spanish Inquisition was another example of bible-based morality making life better for everyone. Basically, Christians executed and otherwise persecuted non-Christians. Love thy neighbor, so to speak. Or, if you can't love them, at least harvest their shame.
Finally, even though George W. Bush thinks he prays to the same God as the Muslims, he insists on killing lots of them.
Why Conservapedia thinks bible-based morality would end killing is beyond me. If they could find one war in the history of this world that wasn't influenced by some sort of religious disagreement, I'd be more impressed. It would be amazing if they'd stop championing murder because they feel like they can twist it to support their political agenda.
"ANOTHER HARVEST OF SHAME FOR FAILING TO TEACH BIBLE-BASED MORALITY IN PUBLIC SCHOOLS: THE CARNAGE CONTINUES!"
Let's take a look back at the effect of bible-based morality on violence throughout history:
First, and perhaps most obviously, we have the Crusades. Or, to be more accurate, there were nine to thirteen Crusades (depending on who you ask) over about two centuries. The most notable shame harvest during this period was the Children's Crusade, where lots of children were sent to fight the Muslims. The influence of bible-based morality was obviously crucial in preventing deaths among our young people.
The Spanish Inquisition was another example of bible-based morality making life better for everyone. Basically, Christians executed and otherwise persecuted non-Christians. Love thy neighbor, so to speak. Or, if you can't love them, at least harvest their shame.
Finally, even though George W. Bush thinks he prays to the same God as the Muslims, he insists on killing lots of them.
Why Conservapedia thinks bible-based morality would end killing is beyond me. If they could find one war in the history of this world that wasn't influenced by some sort of religious disagreement, I'd be more impressed. It would be amazing if they'd stop championing murder because they feel like they can twist it to support their political agenda.
The Second Sign of the Apocalypse
Frank Lasee no longer allows anyone to comment on his blog. Dr. Nugz and I are sad, first and foremost, but we're also excited for the future. As we've been told since we were young, every ending is teeming with new beginnings, so we're branching out to other internet opportunities. Don't worry: We'll let you know.
Tuesday
The straw that broke the camel's back
In response to an IM conversation between myself and my esteemed colleague Dr. Nugz regarding what the hell Frank Lasee was saying, Frank said bye-bye, and for the first time, too. Could it be that the combination of Instant Messenger and lawyers was too much for our bone-headed hero to stomach? Did Blogger's formatting finally drive him to insanity? Is having a moniker like 'Dr. Nugz' regularly posting on his blog going to make Frank give up his legislature seat to JP and retire to a cabin in the woods like the unabomber? Could the state of Wisconsin be so lucky?
Find out next time, on Frank Lasee's a dbag!
UPDATE: Frank has subsequently deleted Dr. Nugz' comment, as well as the other guy's brilliant take on the situation. Smelling blood, I tried to post a few more comments this afternoon. No dice. Frank Lasee's blog now must approve my comments before it'll post them. Don't worry Bat-fans: Dr. Nugz and I found a way to defeat the Conservapedians using proxy IP addys (more on this, well, after we increase Conservapedia's global body of knowledge) and we'll find a way to make Frank look like a dbag despite his fascist commenting regime.
PPS: If Frank takes a minute to read all the proposed comments to his blog, isn't he doing it on taxpayer time, and thus receiving taxpayer money? His decision to monitor comments, then, is in direct violation of his Taxpayer Protection Pledge.
Find out next time, on Frank Lasee's a dbag!
UPDATE: Frank has subsequently deleted Dr. Nugz' comment, as well as the other guy's brilliant take on the situation. Smelling blood, I tried to post a few more comments this afternoon. No dice. Frank Lasee's blog now must approve my comments before it'll post them. Don't worry Bat-fans: Dr. Nugz and I found a way to defeat the Conservapedians using proxy IP addys (more on this, well, after we increase Conservapedia's global body of knowledge) and we'll find a way to make Frank look like a dbag despite his fascist commenting regime.
PPS: If Frank takes a minute to read all the proposed comments to his blog, isn't he doing it on taxpayer time, and thus receiving taxpayer money? His decision to monitor comments, then, is in direct violation of his Taxpayer Protection Pledge.
Monday
Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Wasting Money
Now that the Conservapedians have AKen, I'm getting a little more concerned about how they're absolute lunatics.
For example, today they feature a headline claiming that "'A polio outbreak in Nigeria was caused by the vaccine ..., leaving at least 69 children paralyzed.' It took the CDC a year to admit this. Our tax dollars at work."
In case you thought it was a rare moment of human interest on Conservapedia, I'm pretty sure the 'tax dollars at work' is directed at the one year delay in the CDC's admission. Why they aren't concerned about the, um, 69 children paralyzed (could it be that conservatives think only groups of, say, 68 or 70 children shouldn't be paralyzed, for reasons of obscenity in our media?) and how we could maybe not let them be paralyzed the next time, and instead put their energy into critiquing a child health effort when they support child bombing spending, is beyond me. Also, how a one year delay in reporting the problem costs us money is not obvious, unless you think they literally hired someone to sit on the issue.
Dr. Nugz did make fun of this first in the very same IM convo now famous for being cut-and-pasted onto Frank Lasee's blog, requiring him to spend a few hours trying to figure out blogger formatting in response.
For example, today they feature a headline claiming that "'A polio outbreak in Nigeria was caused by the vaccine ..., leaving at least 69 children paralyzed.' It took the CDC a year to admit this. Our tax dollars at work."
In case you thought it was a rare moment of human interest on Conservapedia, I'm pretty sure the 'tax dollars at work' is directed at the one year delay in the CDC's admission. Why they aren't concerned about the, um, 69 children paralyzed (could it be that conservatives think only groups of, say, 68 or 70 children shouldn't be paralyzed, for reasons of obscenity in our media?) and how we could maybe not let them be paralyzed the next time, and instead put their energy into critiquing a child health effort when they support child bombing spending, is beyond me. Also, how a one year delay in reporting the problem costs us money is not obvious, unless you think they literally hired someone to sit on the issue.
Dr. Nugz did make fun of this first in the very same IM convo now famous for being cut-and-pasted onto Frank Lasee's blog, requiring him to spend a few hours trying to figure out blogger formatting in response.
Frank Lasee Spotlight: We'd make fun of what he's saying... if we knew
He's edited it since I posted my comment, but see if you can translate Frankese to English. Are you on Dr. Nugz' side, that it's Krauthammer talking about something JFK said, or are you like me and wondering how this guy is in the state legislature?
Wednesday
I Smell Dead People
Whenever I'm doing research, there's always some kind of unexpected thread tying cases together (by unexpected, I mean not the thing I just typed in the search box). Like the Richard Scarry yellow bug: not really a main character--just there. So one time, drug-sniffing dogs were appearing everywhere. Another time it was movable ceiling tiles. Lately, it's been the Johnnie Cochran of Wisconsin: Stephen P. Hurley. He represented Georgia Thompson, Scott McCallum, Peg Lautenschlager, and he's currently representing Eugene Zapata, who allegedly murdered his own wife in 1976. (This isn't brand new news, btw, so lower your expectations.)
The state recently decided to reopen Mrs. Zapata's homicide investigation, and cadaver dogs identified two locations connected to Mr. Zapata (a crawl space in their former home and his storage locker) that apparently still smell like dead people. Hurley convinced Judge Fielder that the dogs are unreliable, and so the poor pups weren't even allowed to have their day in court. The jury, in turn, wasn't able to come up with a unanimous verdict.
Just wait, though, Hurley gets famouser still! Madeleine McCann (cute missing British girl)'s parents appear to be in huge trouble for possibly murdering her. Or, at least carrying her around, lifeless, in a rental car. Cadaver dogs went crazy when smelling Mom McCann's clothes and the Portuguese rental car. Understandably PANICKED, the attorneys representing the [still living] McCanns contacted the world-famous cadaver-dog-expert and occasional AGSLS professor, Steve Hurley. At his 608 area code.
We're just three degrees of separation away from People Magazine.
The state recently decided to reopen Mrs. Zapata's homicide investigation, and cadaver dogs identified two locations connected to Mr. Zapata (a crawl space in their former home and his storage locker) that apparently still smell like dead people. Hurley convinced Judge Fielder that the dogs are unreliable, and so the poor pups weren't even allowed to have their day in court. The jury, in turn, wasn't able to come up with a unanimous verdict.
Just wait, though, Hurley gets famouser still! Madeleine McCann (cute missing British girl)'s parents appear to be in huge trouble for possibly murdering her. Or, at least carrying her around, lifeless, in a rental car. Cadaver dogs went crazy when smelling Mom McCann's clothes and the Portuguese rental car. Understandably PANICKED, the attorneys representing the [still living] McCanns contacted the world-famous cadaver-dog-expert and occasional AGSLS professor, Steve Hurley. At his 608 area code.
We're just three degrees of separation away from People Magazine.
Directories!
The glorious day is almost here!
"Dear Students,
The Directory of New Students is expected to arrive on Friday (possibly Monday),so I'm sending my annual request to all students to clear out your hang files to make room to receive these.
Thanks very much!"
This is when the law school turns from being a meat market to a high-intensity stalking environment. No longer do you have to approach that 1L and ask her what her name is, along with the other BS you don't really care about. You can just scout her out, find that her likes include trips to Europe, and ask her if she wants to go down to Parthenon with you!
"Dear Students,
The Directory of New Students is expected to arrive on Friday (possibly Monday),so I'm sending my annual request to all students to clear out your hang files to make room to receive these.
Thanks very much!"
This is when the law school turns from being a meat market to a high-intensity stalking environment. No longer do you have to approach that 1L and ask her what her name is, along with the other BS you don't really care about. You can just scout her out, find that her likes include trips to Europe, and ask her if she wants to go down to Parthenon with you!
Boobies!
I haven't had much the time to blog CNN recently, but this story is a gem. Ohio State Legislator accidentally shows porn to high school class during presentation. Obviously he isn't aware of the Establishment Clause in the US Constitution, which requires separation of schools and no-no spots.
"Bill Belichick is a peeping Tom Brady"
Our favorite plaintiff has returned. Jonathan Lee Riches is now suing Bill Belichick for spying on everything. Very literally. He alleges that Belichik sends Randy Moss to area hospitals to spy on ultrasounds, Foxboro Stadium sells tapes from the bathrooms to Larry Craig, and Tom Brady implanting a listening device in Donovan MacNabb's chunky soup. It's worth a read.
As always, Dr. Nugz is on the trail.
As always, Dr. Nugz is on the trail.
Marmaduke Explained
is back with a vengeance. Apparently Joe Mathlete was merely on a break last week and wasn't so fed up with BOHChris that he decided to off Marmaduke explaining. The man's got heart: As a nerdster on JP's nerdy undergraduate message board put it, "my only role in the whole tragedy has been to leave an angry comment on the twat's blog of hilarity. I propose that he is everything currently wrong with America."
Can't put it any better.
Can't put it any better.
Monday
Who will judge the judges?
Good news, fans of judicial integrity! As you are aware, your beloved Clarince T is normally as steady and unflappable as the Original Constitution preserved in its climate-controlled case, but there are a few things that will set my blood to boil. Suggestions that there is any such thing as a "compelling governmental interest" for taking race into account, suggesting there is a right to privacy, suggesting that the Founding Fathers weren't able to psychically predict all of the ways the nation would change over the centuries and plan accordingly, etc. Serious things.
Along these same lines, one thing that really gets my dander up is judges who do things that undermine the integrity and credibility of the entire judicial system. As a proponent of the 1789 rule, I would have no problem with a rule that allowed for the drawing and quartering of the worst offenders. It wouldn't be cruel or unusual in the least, in my sound and reasoned opinion.
As such, I am pleased and delighted to announce that the panel investigating conflicts of interest by newly elected Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice Annette Ziegler is expanding their probe into her shady dealings with the West Bend Savings Bank.
For those of you who are not aware, Ziegler, a former trial level judge in Washington County, presided over a number of cases involving this bank. Although Ziegler's husband sat on the board of directors of this very bank, and Ziegler and her husband applied for and received loans from this very bank, Judge Ziegler declined to recuse herself from any of the cases involving this very bank. Bad, bad Judge.
During the campaign for the open seat on the High Court (widely regarded as one of the dirtiest, nastiest, mud-slingingest judicial campaigns in Wisconsin history), Ziegler steadfastly maintained that she had committed no ethical violations and had no conflict of interest in the West Bend cases. Now that the campaign is over, she has admitted that conflicts did exist.
The Wisconsin Code of Judicial Conduct CLEARLY states that a judge shall recuse [her]self from hearing any case, or, at the very least, disclose the existence of a conflict, whenever "the judge, or the judge's spouse ... is a party to the proceeding or an officer, director or trustee of a party." Um, not a lot of wiggle room here Ziegler.
If the probe reveals that Ziegler did behave unethically, the other 6 Justices of the WSC will hold her fate in their hands. Potential consequences range from reprimand to suspension to removal from the bench.
Though I maintain my support for drawing and quartering (or at least tarring and feathering), I will accept no sanction less severe than booting her off the bench, permanent disbarment, and public humiliation. She deserves no less for tarnishing the image of our sacred profession.
*Thanks to jrv for the heads up.
Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: THEY HAVE AKEN!!!
Well, the Supreme Court resumed session today, and, well, eight of us came back to a sad state of affairs. I'm sure you regular Seriatim followers have noticed a dearth of posts coming from Mr. AKen since the end of the last term when this blog began. Well, we thought he was just enjoying a relaxing interterm at the beach with hookers like the rest of us (even RBG: She loves a good lap dance!)
Now we're back in our hallowed halls, but there's no sign of AKen. Again, nobody suspected a thing: He's late a lot, etc... But then we saw the ransom note:
"If yu evur want to cee AKen agan, yu bettr stop ze sekular progressif heje$$$$ from teaking ovur ze wurld. Seighened: Conservapedia."
Well fuck. So I turned to Clarince T and asked what he thought. In a moment of utter brillance, we decided to just play it cool like "Weekend at Bernies": If you're reading this article, please don't tell anyone, but the Conservapedians have AKen. We'll take care of it, just keep it down.
Now we're back in our hallowed halls, but there's no sign of AKen. Again, nobody suspected a thing: He's late a lot, etc... But then we saw the ransom note:
"If yu evur want to cee AKen agan, yu bettr stop ze sekular progressif heje$$$$ from teaking ovur ze wurld. Seighened: Conservapedia."
Well fuck. So I turned to Clarince T and asked what he thought. In a moment of utter brillance, we decided to just play it cool like "Weekend at Bernies": If you're reading this article, please don't tell anyone, but the Conservapedians have AKen. We'll take care of it, just keep it down.
Yet another reason not to shop at Wal-Mart
Nothing sparks public panic quite like the recall of a food product that is a staple of the American diet. I am speaking, of course, about Beef (It's what's for dinner). Topp's Meat Co. has recalled approximately 21.7 MILLION pounds of frozen hamburger in the wake of an outbreak of e. coli sickness across the Northeast. The first instance of sickness occurred nearly 6 weeks before the issuance of the recall, which is understandably making people pretty pissed.
The meat in question was made in late June and July. The E. coli in the hamburger beef began sickening people in August. It took nearly six weeks before the first recall was issued.
"We don't understand why it took so long to recall this meat. If there was a victim in August, it should have been revealed weeks ago," said Jean Halloran of the Consumers Union.
Don't make me say I told ya so.
Profiles in Awesomeness: AKen
Hear ye, Hear ye, Court is now in session!
SCOTUS kicks off its new term today, and there are a lot of hot-button issues on deck. People that care are waiting with bated breath to see if the most recent additions to the Court, now that they've had some time to settle in, will be able to successfully swing the Court back hard right and stop the accursed secular-progressive juggernaut from damning the soul of our great nation.
According to some really smart people, the fate of the world hinges on the mysterious and unpredictable whims of our very own Justice Kennedy.
A number of other wild card factors are also present this term, which could make for a tumultuous and unpredictable judicial season.
The health scare involving 52-year-old Chief Justice John Roberts, hospitalized in July with a still-unexplained seizure: Can he cast aside any concerns over his still-developing leadership skills? The ageless 87-year-old John Paul Stevens, leader of the more liberal wing of the court: Can he hold together a loose left-leaning coalition? The newest justice, Samuel Alito: Will he remain a reliably conservative vote as he begins his second full term? Lesser-known Justices David Souter and Stephen Breyer: Will they emerge as key behind-the-scenes players on a range of hot-button cases?
In spite of all the uncertainty and apprehension hovering over the bench like a storm cloud, I am very excited about what this term might hold, and am crossing my fingers that any surprises that might occur end up being favorable to my position. Stay tuned. It could get interesting.
SCOTUS kicks off its new term today, and there are a lot of hot-button issues on deck. People that care are waiting with bated breath to see if the most recent additions to the Court, now that they've had some time to settle in, will be able to successfully swing the Court back hard right and stop the accursed secular-progressive juggernaut from damning the soul of our great nation.
According to some really smart people, the fate of the world hinges on the mysterious and unpredictable whims of our very own Justice Kennedy.
"It's hard to understate the significance of Justice Kennedy," said Douglas Kmiec, a onetime Justice Department lawyer in the Reagan and George H.W. Bush administrations, who now teaches law at Pepperdine University.
"The problem for both the more liberal side of the court and the more conservative side is that neither fully understands Justice Kennedy," he added. "They work rather conscientiously at trying to understand his perspective, and winning him over."
Despite CJ Roberts' ambitious goal of a cohesive and unanimous Court, last term saw more 5-4 decisions than we have seen in years, and Kennedy was in the majority in every single one. This basically means that HUGELY important issues are being decided by a single person, a state of affairs that makes me pretty nervous.A number of other wild card factors are also present this term, which could make for a tumultuous and unpredictable judicial season.
Beyond the caseload, the individual dynamics among justices on the high court's bench could also play out along interesting storylines, among them:
In spite of all the uncertainty and apprehension hovering over the bench like a storm cloud, I am very excited about what this term might hold, and am crossing my fingers that any surprises that might occur end up being favorable to my position. Stay tuned. It could get interesting.
Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Rejoicing in Murder
Another campus shooting: A University of Memphis student was shot in his car around 10pm last night. Rumor has it he was a football player, although the University is waiting to release his name. They will say, though, that the incident "may have involved a current or former football player."
Over at Conservapedia, they sit in their little studio apartments on the internet 18 hours a day waiting for stuff like this to go down because they feel it supports their position that sitting in your apartment all day (with the occasional wide-stance fling in the airport) is the proper, moral way to live your life. I'm usually not this reductively nasty about the morons over there, but this headline pissed me off. From the Conservapedia main page:
"UNIVERSITY OF MEMPHIS LOCKED DOWN AFTER STUDENT ATHLETE REPORTEDLY IS SHOT DEAD OUTSIDE DORM More depravity on another of our college campuses! Secular-progressive movement claims another victim."
Yeah you fucking numbskulls, it's the "secular-progessive movement" that's pulling the triggers around here. Don't you have any shame about turning someone's murder, that nobody knows anything about yet, into knee-jerk advocation of your policy? Should Seriatim start the "this troop died *insert picture here* so we should obviously not be in Iraq" section? Have some respect for the sort of shock this thing entails, you fucking scumbags.
Over at Conservapedia, they sit in their little studio apartments on the internet 18 hours a day waiting for stuff like this to go down because they feel it supports their position that sitting in your apartment all day (with the occasional wide-stance fling in the airport) is the proper, moral way to live your life. I'm usually not this reductively nasty about the morons over there, but this headline pissed me off. From the Conservapedia main page:
"UNIVERSITY OF MEMPHIS LOCKED DOWN AFTER STUDENT ATHLETE REPORTEDLY IS SHOT DEAD OUTSIDE DORM More depravity on another of our college campuses! Secular-progressive movement claims another victim."
Yeah you fucking numbskulls, it's the "secular-progessive movement" that's pulling the triggers around here. Don't you have any shame about turning someone's murder, that nobody knows anything about yet, into knee-jerk advocation of your policy? Should Seriatim start the "this troop died *insert picture here* so we should obviously not be in Iraq" section? Have some respect for the sort of shock this thing entails, you fucking scumbags.
Whew
The Seriatim yellow alert has been removed in honor of Joe Mathlete's return to Marmaduke explanation. The alert level is now puke-colored, because it's Monday.
Over here at Seriatim we were getting nervous that those idiots over at the Blog of Hilarity (hey BOHChris, I'm not linking to you, neeneer neeneer neeneer) had pissed Joe off to the point where he didn't feel like explaining Marmaduke was any longer worthwhile. Luckily, Joe has tough skin, tough enough even to take on one of the Sunday strips, which are particularly retarded.
Whew.
Over here at Seriatim we were getting nervous that those idiots over at the Blog of Hilarity (hey BOHChris, I'm not linking to you, neeneer neeneer neeneer) had pissed Joe off to the point where he didn't feel like explaining Marmaduke was any longer worthwhile. Luckily, Joe has tough skin, tough enough even to take on one of the Sunday strips, which are particularly retarded.
Whew.
Friday
Beat me with the Irony Stick, why don't you?
The venerable 2d Circuit recently handed down a ruling invalidating a change in the FCC policy regarding "fleeting expletives". [Fox Television Stations, et. al. v. FCC] For the better part of 30 years, the FCC has said that they would not seek sanctions against networks that air such expletives, rather they would save their ire for those broadcasts that constituted "verbal shock treatment". Then came the Golden Globes, wherein Bono said that receiving his award was "really, really f-ing brilliant".
Apparently, this statement offended the delicate sensibilities of the Parents Television Council, who began pestering the FCC to take action against the network. In a startling reversal of decades of policy, the FCC abandoned their precedent and declared that fleeting and isolated use of expletives would no longer be tolerated. The networks, of course, were not too thrilled.
The ironical part is, the loudest howling is coming from Fox. I have always thought it a little odd that Fox, the network that brought us such quality programming as Temptation Island, and Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, is also the network that provides a safe haven for the caterwauling champions of the religious right *cough*billoreilly*cough*. What do you want to bet that the Parents Television Council is composed largely of bible-beaters that Tivo O'Reilly on a regular basis?
Seems like this is a classic case of the right hand pretending not to know what the left hand is doing.
*I counted that the 2d Circuit included the word "fuck" in some form approximately 27 times in their opinion. Purely for illustrative purposes, of course. It is expected that the Supreme Court will grant cert on this issue. I REALLY hope they let me write for the majority. =)
Apparently, this statement offended the delicate sensibilities of the Parents Television Council, who began pestering the FCC to take action against the network. In a startling reversal of decades of policy, the FCC abandoned their precedent and declared that fleeting and isolated use of expletives would no longer be tolerated. The networks, of course, were not too thrilled.
The ironical part is, the loudest howling is coming from Fox. I have always thought it a little odd that Fox, the network that brought us such quality programming as Temptation Island, and Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, is also the network that provides a safe haven for the caterwauling champions of the religious right *cough*billoreilly*cough*. What do you want to bet that the Parents Television Council is composed largely of bible-beaters that Tivo O'Reilly on a regular basis?
Seems like this is a classic case of the right hand pretending not to know what the left hand is doing.
*I counted that the 2d Circuit included the word "fuck" in some form approximately 27 times in their opinion. Purely for illustrative purposes, of course. It is expected that the Supreme Court will grant cert on this issue. I REALLY hope they let me write for the majority. =)
Thursday
Naughty Clarence...
So, the truth comes out. Our very own Clarence T. says that the whole Anita Hill thing was really about... wait for it... abortion.
"That was the elephant in the room... That was the issue. That is the issue that people are apparently so upset about..."
About Hill herself, CT asserts, in a really creepy [kinky] way:
"She was not the demure, religious, conservative person that they portrayed. That's not the person I knew," Thomas says. "She could defend herself, let's just put it that way...
Keep an eye on the Drudge report for updates.
"That was the elephant in the room... That was the issue. That is the issue that people are apparently so upset about..."
About Hill herself, CT asserts, in a really creepy [kinky] way:
"She was not the demure, religious, conservative person that they portrayed. That's not the person I knew," Thomas says. "She could defend herself, let's just put it that way...
Keep an eye on the Drudge report for updates.
What a Stoner!
As I'm sure most of you who care have heard (except aken, who never knows what he wants. The JP's here for you! Join my team! We'll win 5-4!), Michael Vick tested positive for the wacky tobaccy in violation of his, well, chillaxin' time before he gets thrown in the clink. After the airplane water bottle incident, you can't color many of us surprised. He probably needed some herbal refreshment to combat the going-to-jail jitters. Hey, he's human (we're still presuming).
At lunch today, Cranny made a great Vick-annals-of-stupidity point to Dr. Nugz and I: When he tried to bring the water bottle loaded with pot onto the plane, it must have been under the two-wrongs-made-a-right theory, as neither water bottles nor pot were allowed on the plane at the time. The craziest part about that story was when authories came out and said it wasn't pot in the water bottle. Was Vick hiding his oregano stash in his water bottle for the plane ride?
Wednesday
Breaking Law School News: St Johns LS Under Attack?
From Above the Law: Check it out here.
"They caught one person on the way to the school president's office wearing a black mask and carrying a rifle in a duffel bag, and are still looking for a second gunman. No shots were fired and no one was hurt from what I have heard. The whole campus has been on lockdown for the last few hours, but I think they are evacuating the campus as we speak."
Ruh roh.
"They caught one person on the way to the school president's office wearing a black mask and carrying a rifle in a duffel bag, and are still looking for a second gunman. No shots were fired and no one was hurt from what I have heard. The whole campus has been on lockdown for the last few hours, but I think they are evacuating the campus as we speak."
Ruh roh.
Bondi Beach Bikini Babes
I bet that my brothers on the Court would have liked to have been invited to this record setting event.
On a pretty irrelevant sidenote, I will always remember that the first video I ever saw on an episode of Beavis & Butthead was called "Bikini Girls With Machine Guns".
On a pretty irrelevant sidenote, I will always remember that the first video I ever saw on an episode of Beavis & Butthead was called "Bikini Girls With Machine Guns".
Call the whambulance?
I honestly can't decide how I feel about this.
On the one side, I have heard that it is pretty painful for a lactating woman to go too long without being able to express her milk.
On the other side, as a proponent of family planning, I argue that she should have thought about this before going and having another baby right away. She knew perfectly well this exam was coming up, and it was going to be grueling. I'm certainly not saying she should have aborted her baby to accommodate the exam, but it was her choice to get pregnant and if that is making it hard for her to get things done, that's her own damn fault. There will be another exam. She could put it off until she's finished breast-feeding.
I guess I take issue with her position that lactating is some kind of disability that should be given special accommodation. Pregnancy is a (largely) voluntary condition, and it seems like this baby was planned. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lashing out against all breeders. I understand why there need to be provisions made in the workplace for nursing mothers, they are just trying to keep doing their job and going on with their day to day lives. I see this as an entirely different situation. This exam is an isolated event and it can be postponed.
Furthermore, this woman is already getting special considerations for learning disabilities and being allowed to take the test over two days instead of one. Call me crazy, but I feel a little uneasy about granting medical licenses to people that can't pass the exam under the same rigorous circumstances applied to everyone else.
OK, I guess now I do know how I feel about this.
On the one side, I have heard that it is pretty painful for a lactating woman to go too long without being able to express her milk.
On the other side, as a proponent of family planning, I argue that she should have thought about this before going and having another baby right away. She knew perfectly well this exam was coming up, and it was going to be grueling. I'm certainly not saying she should have aborted her baby to accommodate the exam, but it was her choice to get pregnant and if that is making it hard for her to get things done, that's her own damn fault. There will be another exam. She could put it off until she's finished breast-feeding.
I guess I take issue with her position that lactating is some kind of disability that should be given special accommodation. Pregnancy is a (largely) voluntary condition, and it seems like this baby was planned. Don't get me wrong, I'm not lashing out against all breeders. I understand why there need to be provisions made in the workplace for nursing mothers, they are just trying to keep doing their job and going on with their day to day lives. I see this as an entirely different situation. This exam is an isolated event and it can be postponed.
Furthermore, this woman is already getting special considerations for learning disabilities and being allowed to take the test over two days instead of one. Call me crazy, but I feel a little uneasy about granting medical licenses to people that can't pass the exam under the same rigorous circumstances applied to everyone else.
OK, I guess now I do know how I feel about this.
Frank Lasee Hates Me
He must've read my previous post about how hard it is to criticize him when he goes hardcore spreadfire dbag on us, because he came up with another doozy today. He went out and listed all of the taxes that weren't there 100 years ago:
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world.
Dr. Nugz and I, in response, decided to brainstorm a list of other things that weren't there 100 years ago that we think are more responsible for our downfall from prosperity that Franky is lamenting:
(1) There were no internets, so our politicians were forced to spend their time making legislative decisions and designing policy instead of posting chain letters on their blog.
(2) Our country was hella racist, and, unlike the goddamn lawyers that protect civil rights, simply not hiring black people is quite efficient.
(3) We were still riding the wave of maintaining slavery for about 100 years longer than comparable nations.
(4) We had no telephones to tax, and therefore the people were richer than God. By the way Frank, I assume you haven't read Harry Potter because it's a book, but do you think phones work by magic?
(5) We weren't bombing numerous countries, nor providing for the mass transfer of funds from legitimate organizations to companies run by the Vice-President.
(6) Women were property, which would have mitigated the court-time necessary for Lasee's bitter divorce. The courts were therefore less clogged and we didn't need bullshit legislators calling the whambulance on the state bar.
(7) The government wasn't concerned with product safety: Allowing the market to determine the demand for lead paint and Chinese dog food, rather than supplanting our decision-making processes for theirs, at great regulatory financial expense. Also, we locked blue-collar workers in big buildings and forced them to work insane hours in shitty conditions. The economy was flowing like wine.
(8) The US used to be a production-based economy, and we've gone service-style over the last century. This transition occurred, obviously, because of dickhole legislators like Lasee that refused to look out for the interests of the middle-class laborers.
(9) Frank Lasee was not in office.
So Frank, I think reasonable people could certainly differ over whether your reasons or our reasons are responsible for our economy's decline. Well, unless we had only left it at 8: It seems to me like the fact you weren't in office 100 years ago (when things were good) but are now (when, according to you, things are bad) is pretty cut-and-dried proof that you, not taxes, are the primary cause.
Isn't the ability to take correlation and assert causation awesome?!
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest middle class in the world.
Dr. Nugz and I, in response, decided to brainstorm a list of other things that weren't there 100 years ago that we think are more responsible for our downfall from prosperity that Franky is lamenting:
(1) There were no internets, so our politicians were forced to spend their time making legislative decisions and designing policy instead of posting chain letters on their blog.
(2) Our country was hella racist, and, unlike the goddamn lawyers that protect civil rights, simply not hiring black people is quite efficient.
(3) We were still riding the wave of maintaining slavery for about 100 years longer than comparable nations.
(4) We had no telephones to tax, and therefore the people were richer than God. By the way Frank, I assume you haven't read Harry Potter because it's a book, but do you think phones work by magic?
(5) We weren't bombing numerous countries, nor providing for the mass transfer of funds from legitimate organizations to companies run by the Vice-President.
(6) Women were property, which would have mitigated the court-time necessary for Lasee's bitter divorce. The courts were therefore less clogged and we didn't need bullshit legislators calling the whambulance on the state bar.
(7) The government wasn't concerned with product safety: Allowing the market to determine the demand for lead paint and Chinese dog food, rather than supplanting our decision-making processes for theirs, at great regulatory financial expense. Also, we locked blue-collar workers in big buildings and forced them to work insane hours in shitty conditions. The economy was flowing like wine.
(8) The US used to be a production-based economy, and we've gone service-style over the last century. This transition occurred, obviously, because of dickhole legislators like Lasee that refused to look out for the interests of the middle-class laborers.
(9) Frank Lasee was not in office.
So Frank, I think reasonable people could certainly differ over whether your reasons or our reasons are responsible for our economy's decline. Well, unless we had only left it at 8: It seems to me like the fact you weren't in office 100 years ago (when things were good) but are now (when, according to you, things are bad) is pretty cut-and-dried proof that you, not taxes, are the primary cause.
Isn't the ability to take correlation and assert causation awesome?!
Who says judges don't have a sense of humor?
Every now and then, as I am poring over scholarly tomes of legalness, I come across something that makes me laugh out loud. I'm sure it is quite disconcerting to the other people here in the library of JPSLS, but I just can't help it.
I've just finished reading the very important case of Mattel v. MCA Records, 296 F.3d 894 (9th Cir. 2002). I'm sure all you pop culture aficionados out there remember a totally awesome song that came out circa 1997, a song called "Barbie Girl". It contained such classic lines as, "I'm a blond bimbo girl in a fantasy world", and "You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere". Super-smart social commentary, dontcha think?
Anyway, Mattel, makers of the iconic Barbie doll and owners of the trademark rights in same, in a fit of righteous indignation, decided to sue the record label that marketed "Barbie Girl" in the US. Rather than suing them for total suckitude (a cause of action I would have solidly supported), they sued them for trademark infringement, dilution, unfair competition, yaddayaddayadda. Long story short, Mattel lost.
The fun part is, Judge Kozinski, that paragon of sober judiciousness, issued the opinion. He helpfully framed the issue at the very beginning of the case.
"If this were a sci-fi melodrama, it might be called Speech-Zilla meets Trademark Kong"
At the end of the case, he addresses MCA's cross-claim against Mattel for defamation.
"MCA filed a counterclaim for defamation based on [a] Mattel representative's use of the words "bank robber," "heist," "crime," and "theft". But all of these are variants of the invective most often hurled at accused infringers, namely "piracy". No one hearing this accusation understands intellectual property owners to be saying that infringers are nautical cutthroats with eye-patches and peg legs who board galleons to plunder cargo. In context, all these terms are nonactionable "rhetorical hyperbole". The parties are advised to chill."
Heh.
Frank Lasee's Tax Poem
Frank Lasee posted a retarded poem about taxes on Monday, and it's really been bothering me. Normally, there's an obvious tack to insult Frank's idiocy that I can spin into a cohesive commentary on why he's such a delta bravo. Go ahead and just glance at the poem. ... Where do I start?
Dr. Nugz thinks the rant should be about how he's spending his time reading and posting chain emails instead of doing anything legislatively productive. My first inclination was to comment on how Frank managed to exhaust his entire vocabulary in one short moronic ditty. There's also the fact that he opened it with "This poem is floating around the internet. At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it." I think that's a bald-faced lie: Frank thought it was funny because of what he sees as the awful truth of it. To venture into the short-bus actual content: "Put these words upon his tomb, 'Taxes drove me to my doom...'" But Frank, aren't the people who might actually die as a result of not having enough money the people that the tax dollars are helping?
What an incoherent ramble I just had to write, Frank, and I blame it on you: If you're going to be a douchebag in like a thousand different ways in one post, I'm not going to be able to spin it in a way that coherently demonstrates the crux of the douchebaggery. Hating on Frank Lasee, paradoxically, gets harder as he gets stupider.
Dr. Nugz thinks the rant should be about how he's spending his time reading and posting chain emails instead of doing anything legislatively productive. My first inclination was to comment on how Frank managed to exhaust his entire vocabulary in one short moronic ditty. There's also the fact that he opened it with "This poem is floating around the internet. At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the awful truth of it." I think that's a bald-faced lie: Frank thought it was funny because of what he sees as the awful truth of it. To venture into the short-bus actual content: "Put these words upon his tomb, 'Taxes drove me to my doom...'" But Frank, aren't the people who might actually die as a result of not having enough money the people that the tax dollars are helping?
What an incoherent ramble I just had to write, Frank, and I blame it on you: If you're going to be a douchebag in like a thousand different ways in one post, I'm not going to be able to spin it in a way that coherently demonstrates the crux of the douchebaggery. Hating on Frank Lasee, paradoxically, gets harder as he gets stupider.
1L SBA Elections!
It's that time of the year again, when the cool 1Ls want to demonstrate how with-it they are by becoming the leaders of their peers on the SBA board. It's a great trick on the part of the SBA to run these elections so early. Sometimes you hear 1Ls griping about how they don't even know anyone yet, so how could you cast an informed ballot? The JP has three very important reasons.
First, nobody gives two shits about whether you cast an informed ballot.
Second, the 2Ls and 3Ls on SBA are by now getting sick and tired of having to do the bitch work that should be doled out to the greenest board members.
Third, and this plays off point two, the 1Ls haven't realized that joining SBA is a kiss of death. Your primary responsibilities are doing lots of organizing and bitch work. By bitch work I don't even mean doc reviews or anything: I'm talking about carrying heavy objects to events, cleaning the lounge, and carrying Neil home when he gets too shitcanned.
Basically, the SBA elections are like oppositeland: If you win you lose, and if you lose you win. Tell that to the guy who posted his picture all around the law school in a BoSox cap trying to drum up the sympathy vote by running on the 'I have diabetes' platform. I have to admit, I don't know the kid at all, so it could be tongue in cheek, but, uh... someone should tell him that he seriously doesn't want to be on SBA. I have it from reputable sources.
Tuesday
Guest Bloggin': Banana Bread
Thanks to Mr. Keelover for this one:
Subject: How the fuck did they get 23 grams of fat into my banana bread?
We have one of those rotating refrigerated vending machines at work. I patronized it this morning, hoping to find an healthier alternative to potato chips and candy bars. How about banana bread?, I thought. Better than Snickers - after all, it has fruit in it. I put in my dollar, and opened the door to retrieve my breakfast - a 113-gram loaf of Nemo's (Fine Bakery Products) Banana Bread. Out of curiosity, I checked out the nutritional info.
23 grams of fat?! It takes a lot of balls to advertise "0 g Trans Fat" on the front of your wrapper when the back reveals that it's little more than a leavened lump of lipids. I found this mind-boggling - 23 grams of fat is about what you'd find in a lunch from McDonald's, or a double-portion of baby back ribs, not BREAD! I read further:
Ingredients: Enriched Bleach Flour - okay, probably not nature's best, but I don't think it has any fat.
Sugar - again, no fat.
Eggs - yeah, they have fat, but what did they do, use half a dozen?
Soybean Oil - AHA!
That explains why the top of my banana bread glistens like the clean-shaven pectorals of an MTV Spring Breaker. I'm pretty sure you can make banana bread without using any oil (especially when, as in this case, you also use buttermilk). Why on Earth should you make oil the fourth ingredient? It's listed before bananas, for chrissakes!
Most importantly, it tastes terrible.
Subject: How the fuck did they get 23 grams of fat into my banana bread?
We have one of those rotating refrigerated vending machines at work. I patronized it this morning, hoping to find an healthier alternative to potato chips and candy bars. How about banana bread?, I thought. Better than Snickers - after all, it has fruit in it. I put in my dollar, and opened the door to retrieve my breakfast - a 113-gram loaf of Nemo's (Fine Bakery Products) Banana Bread. Out of curiosity, I checked out the nutritional info.
23 grams of fat?! It takes a lot of balls to advertise "0 g Trans Fat" on the front of your wrapper when the back reveals that it's little more than a leavened lump of lipids. I found this mind-boggling - 23 grams of fat is about what you'd find in a lunch from McDonald's, or a double-portion of baby back ribs, not BREAD! I read further:
Ingredients: Enriched Bleach Flour - okay, probably not nature's best, but I don't think it has any fat.
Sugar - again, no fat.
Eggs - yeah, they have fat, but what did they do, use half a dozen?
Soybean Oil - AHA!
That explains why the top of my banana bread glistens like the clean-shaven pectorals of an MTV Spring Breaker. I'm pretty sure you can make banana bread without using any oil (especially when, as in this case, you also use buttermilk). Why on Earth should you make oil the fourth ingredient? It's listed before bananas, for chrissakes!
Most importantly, it tastes terrible.
How do you pronounce 'Bush'?
JP's editor at the undergraduate newspaper now works for a Japanese newspaper in New York, got ahold of an unedited version of the speech Bush gave yesterday concerning Iran and sent it along to the JP.
After being President for seven years now, apparently Bush is still a little befuddled by pronouncing words referring to something foreign:
The behavior of the Mugabe [moo-GAHbee] regime is an assault on its people – and an affront to the principles of the Universal Declaration. The United Nations must insist on change In Harare [hah-RAR-ray] – and freedom for the people of Zimbabwe.
I look forward to attending a Security Council meeting that will focus on Darfur, chaired by French President Sarkozy [sar-KOzee].
Note: Bush and Sarkozy have met in person several times.
The United States salutes the nations that have recently taken strides toward liberty – including Ukraine, Georgia, Kyrgyzstan [KEYRgeez-stan], Mauritania [moor-EH-tain-ee-a], Liberia, Sierra Leone, and Morocco.
For the seventh grade student giving a presentation on these issues, this would be totally appropriate and even commendable. If you're the President of this country, you should be able to show enough respect for the rest of the world to pronounce their country names.
UPDATE: From the source: "They had posted it on the UN's website by mistake. They took it down almost immediately, but not before we had ahold of it.
Heeheehee, I love how he had to have help with Sarkozy. That's just embarrassing."
After being President for seven years now, apparently Bush is still a little befuddled by pronouncing words referring to something foreign:
The behavior of the Mugabe [moo-GAHbee] regime is an assault on its people – and an affront to the principles of the Universal Declaration. The United Nations must insist on change In Harare [hah-RAR-ray] – and freedom for the people of Zimbabwe.
I look forward to attending a Security Council meeting that will focus on Darfur, chaired by French President Sarkozy [sar-KOzee].
Note: Bush and Sarkozy have met in person several times.
The United States salutes the nations that have recently taken strides toward liberty – including Ukraine, Georgia, Kyrgyzstan [KEYRgeez-stan], Mauritania [moor-EH-tain-ee-a], Liberia, Sierra Leone, and Morocco.
For the seventh grade student giving a presentation on these issues, this would be totally appropriate and even commendable. If you're the President of this country, you should be able to show enough respect for the rest of the world to pronounce their country names.
UPDATE: From the source: "They had posted it on the UN's website by mistake. They took it down almost immediately, but not before we had ahold of it.
Heeheehee, I love how he had to have help with Sarkozy. That's just embarrassing."
Monday
Someone's giving it to Erin Andrews
And it's neither JP nor Cap'nStatute :(. Deadspin says it's Pat White. Did anyone tell Ms. Andrews that people who choose to live in West Virginia are very likely to have more than 20 digits?
Also, as a gossipy side note, JP's politically-inclined little brother (who gave him this tip) learned (from an apparently-reputable source) that Erin Andrews also went on a date with Bret Bieliema a few years ago in Madison. From the Badgers to the Mountaineers? Watch out for those coal slides!
Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Blocking my fucking IP
Well, I think those knobs over at Conservapedia have finally hired a non-Originalist (the computer doesn't work how it worked in 1793) to monitor the IP addresses of people trying to create accounts. Subsequently, I think Dr. Nugz and I have been banned on just about all of the JPSLS IP addresses. We're to the point where, even when I can create an account, I get banned for being a "sock puppet" (a word Conservapedians have just learned in the last month or so for people who just create new accounts when one account gets banned) of Dr. Nugz' original account that took them forever to ban.
If you're a JPSLS student and you're reading this in class, go to Conservapedia and try to create an account. If you can, please leave a comment telling myself and Dr. Nugz what room you did it from. Maybe we've just exhausted our classrooms (if I can't get an account, how I can take the Supreme Court class?) Conservapedia is unwittingly missing our contributions, like this entry on Cheesy Potatoes that they, for some reason, have not taken down yet. Education at its finest.
UPDATE: "Account creation from this IP address (XX.YY.ZZZ.$$$) has been blocked. This is probably due to persistent vandalism from your school or Internet service provider." If cheesy potatoes are vandalism, we're all fucked.
If you're a JPSLS student and you're reading this in class, go to Conservapedia and try to create an account. If you can, please leave a comment telling myself and Dr. Nugz what room you did it from. Maybe we've just exhausted our classrooms (if I can't get an account, how I can take the Supreme Court class?) Conservapedia is unwittingly missing our contributions, like this entry on Cheesy Potatoes that they, for some reason, have not taken down yet. Education at its finest.
UPDATE: "Account creation from this IP address (XX.YY.ZZZ.$$$) has been blocked. This is probably due to persistent vandalism from your school or Internet service provider." If cheesy potatoes are vandalism, we're all fucked.
This is not an 'any pub is good pub' spot
Joe Mathlete is pissed off, and when Joe Mathlete feels pain, JP feels pain. Apparently some hackjob at the "Blog of Hilarity" (which I'm not linking to because I don't want to encourage anyone to make this dumbass feel better about himself by getting more web hits) has been explaining Marmaduke too, and it's ruffled Mr. Mathlete's duck feathers. Also, the Blog of Hilarity set itself a high bar for success, and, contrary to my strong parenthetical a few lines ago, you have to see how bad this shit is. This dickfor is a no-talent ass clown that needs to leave explaining Marmaduke to a professional like Joe Mathlete.
HONESTY DISCLAIMER: JP, enjoying his Marmaduke Explained quite a bit, has tried to think of ways to play off of that idea (I really wanted to do Peter Carstensen Explained, but I never have any clue what he's saying) and OSlice even tormented an asshole on our nerdy undergraduate message board with "*dbag's name* Explained" until dbag sent Slice an email begging him to stop. True story. However, explaining Marmaduke is for Joe Mathlete and Joe Mathlete alone. Is nothing sacred?
Sunday
Captain Statute Salutes McBalls
So you want to be a lawyer?
The first step is to go to law school. Introducing John Paul Steven’s Law School Dean of Admissions, McBalls. McBalls went to law school but is not a lawyer (he shares much in common with the future Cap’n Statute.). McBalls is from Montana. He came to John Paul Stevens in 2002, and was very popular. He was involved in student government, athletics, and other activities. The most powerful thing about McBalls is that he has access to every applicant’s ‘character and fitness,’ report. If you ever did anything wrong in your life, McBalls knows about it. He does not care, but he knows.
McBalls decides who comes to Law School and who does not. Nobody knows how he makes these decisions. McBalls applies a heightened level of scrutiny to all John Paul Stevens applicants. Among the many factors he considers are grades, your Undergraduate Institution, legacy, affirmative action, the weather, magic 8 ball, your cover letter, and LSAT scores. Many of these criteria are arbitrary and nonsensical, like the 8-ball, which is slightly more predictive of your future performance as a law student than the LSAT. McBalls values diversity, but all new applicants have one thing in common: they are all ridiculously good looking.
Yes, it’s true. The new 1st year class has arrived, and whether it is warm weather, the aphrodisiacal effects of studying tort law, the fact that that they have not been around long enough for us to think of them as anything but sex objects, or the fact that they have not known us long enough to realize what herbs we are, every boy and girl in the 1st year class is on the auction block for upperclassmen. Get ‘em while they’re hot! The Cap’n has seen several of his classmates out on dates with the neophytes, or drunkenly chatting them up at the bars. I remember this happened to me in my first year as well. More upperclass law school girls hit on me in my first week of law school, than there are girls who have hit on me, my entire life. True story. Then somewhere along the line I lost my novelty. No one wants me anymore, so I turn to the 1st years.
So much of what they say about the Cycle of Law School is true. McBalls chose the class carefully, making sure they were all good looking and would inject the school with some life. But it’ll be drained out of them soon, too. Then we won’t be attracted to them anymore. In a year, they’ll be just like us, a year older, and desperately hitting on that younger class of people who still haven’t had their life-forces sucked out by law school, and can still hold interesting conversations that have NOTHING to do with law. All good things come to an end. In the meantime, it’s time to kick back and enjoy them like the last warm days in Autumn. Thank you, McBalls! Cap’n Statute salutes you!
The first step is to go to law school. Introducing John Paul Steven’s Law School Dean of Admissions, McBalls. McBalls went to law school but is not a lawyer (he shares much in common with the future Cap’n Statute.). McBalls is from Montana. He came to John Paul Stevens in 2002, and was very popular. He was involved in student government, athletics, and other activities. The most powerful thing about McBalls is that he has access to every applicant’s ‘character and fitness,’ report. If you ever did anything wrong in your life, McBalls knows about it. He does not care, but he knows.
McBalls decides who comes to Law School and who does not. Nobody knows how he makes these decisions. McBalls applies a heightened level of scrutiny to all John Paul Stevens applicants. Among the many factors he considers are grades, your Undergraduate Institution, legacy, affirmative action, the weather, magic 8 ball, your cover letter, and LSAT scores. Many of these criteria are arbitrary and nonsensical, like the 8-ball, which is slightly more predictive of your future performance as a law student than the LSAT. McBalls values diversity, but all new applicants have one thing in common: they are all ridiculously good looking.
Yes, it’s true. The new 1st year class has arrived, and whether it is warm weather, the aphrodisiacal effects of studying tort law, the fact that that they have not been around long enough for us to think of them as anything but sex objects, or the fact that they have not known us long enough to realize what herbs we are, every boy and girl in the 1st year class is on the auction block for upperclassmen. Get ‘em while they’re hot! The Cap’n has seen several of his classmates out on dates with the neophytes, or drunkenly chatting them up at the bars. I remember this happened to me in my first year as well. More upperclass law school girls hit on me in my first week of law school, than there are girls who have hit on me, my entire life. True story. Then somewhere along the line I lost my novelty. No one wants me anymore, so I turn to the 1st years.
So much of what they say about the Cycle of Law School is true. McBalls chose the class carefully, making sure they were all good looking and would inject the school with some life. But it’ll be drained out of them soon, too. Then we won’t be attracted to them anymore. In a year, they’ll be just like us, a year older, and desperately hitting on that younger class of people who still haven’t had their life-forces sucked out by law school, and can still hold interesting conversations that have NOTHING to do with law. All good things come to an end. In the meantime, it’s time to kick back and enjoy them like the last warm days in Autumn. Thank you, McBalls! Cap’n Statute salutes you!
Saturday
And They Say We Don't Need Tort Reform
We here on the Court are quite familiar with the proliferation of frivolous and ridiculous lawsuits.
Who could forget the classic case of United States ex rel. Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282?
"Plaintiff sought leave to proceed in forma pauperis on a complaint filed against defendant chief fallen angel. Plaintiff alleged that defendant had threatened him, caused him misery, impeded his course in life, and generally precipitated his downfall, which injuries, plaintiff alleged, rose to constitutional dimension."
"The court denied plaintiff's prayer for leave to proceed in forma pauperis and ordered that the complaint be assigned a docket number. The court opined that the complaint failed to state a claim for which relief could be granted and found that it failed to allege facts that would support a conventional jurisdictional basis for the maintenance of an action against defendant chief fallen angel."
Since that time, it would seem that people have realized the folly of attempting to obtain personal jurisdiction over otherworldly beings. Then again, maybe not.
The Honorable Ernie Chambers, State Senator from the Great State of Nebraska, has apparently brought suit against God. That's right, God the Almighty himself.
"The defendant in a state senator’s lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He’s everywhere."
While the Mayo case was dismissed largely for lack of personal jurisdiction, probably because Satan can only come to you if you invite him, God is omnipotent and omnipresent and thus, arguably, subject to personal jurisdiction damn near everywhere.
"The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused “fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”
Don't worry God. Clarince T is firmly in your corner.
Who could forget the classic case of United States ex rel. Mayo v. Satan and His Staff, 54 F.R.D. 282?
"Plaintiff sought leave to proceed in forma pauperis on a complaint filed against defendant chief fallen angel. Plaintiff alleged that defendant had threatened him, caused him misery, impeded his course in life, and generally precipitated his downfall, which injuries, plaintiff alleged, rose to constitutional dimension."
"The court denied plaintiff's prayer for leave to proceed in forma pauperis and ordered that the complaint be assigned a docket number. The court opined that the complaint failed to state a claim for which relief could be granted and found that it failed to allege facts that would support a conventional jurisdictional basis for the maintenance of an action against defendant chief fallen angel."
Since that time, it would seem that people have realized the folly of attempting to obtain personal jurisdiction over otherworldly beings. Then again, maybe not.
The Honorable Ernie Chambers, State Senator from the Great State of Nebraska, has apparently brought suit against God. That's right, God the Almighty himself.
"The defendant in a state senator’s lawsuit is accused of causing untold death and horror and threatening to cause more still. He can be sued in Douglas County, the legislator claims, because He’s everywhere."
While the Mayo case was dismissed largely for lack of personal jurisdiction, probably because Satan can only come to you if you invite him, God is omnipotent and omnipresent and thus, arguably, subject to personal jurisdiction damn near everywhere.
"The Omaha senator, who skips morning prayers during the legislative session and often criticizes Christians, also says God has caused “fearsome floods ... horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes.”
He’s seeking a permanent injunction against the Almighty."
It is precisely these sorts of frivolous lawsuits that we need to work to eradicate. God, I've heard, is LOADED. Could you imagine the incredible punitive damages that might be awarded by a runaway jury? Not to mention God's long record of bad behavior (The Black Plague, anyone?), which could very well cause a jury to go completely off the rails.Don't worry God. Clarince T is firmly in your corner.
Hideously Ugly AND Dangerous! Sounds like a winning marketing strategy to me...
From the first day Mario Batali came sashaying onto the set of his cooking show, I have had a deep-seated aversion to those monstrosities passing themselves off as shoes. I am referring, of course, to Crocs. We've all seen them, occasionally you'll pass an entire family outfitted in a rainbow of these things. I hate them.
Turns out, they aren't just repulsive, they are also hazardous when used in combination with escalators. Yes folks, people are getting their toes ripped off when they wear these squishy pieces of crap on moving staircases. In fact, the Washington Metro subway system even has signs warning people of the hazards of these "shoes".
"In Singapore, a 2-year-old girl wearing rubber clogs -- it's unclear what brand -- had her big toe completely ripped off in an escalator accident last year, according to local media reports.
And at the Atlanta airport, a 3-year-old boy wearing Crocs suffered a deep gash across the top of his toes in June. That was one of seven shoe entrapments at the airport since May 1, and all but two of them involved Crocs, said Roy Springer, operations manager for the company that runs the airport terminal."
Of course, anyone that would wear Crocs in the first place obviously doesn't have much of a sense of personal pride to begin with, so maybe they don't care if their toes get ripped off. In which case I say Good Riddance.
Friday
Ode to a TV
I got my television set about a year ago when I moved from Goodwill: $60 and it came with rabbit ears. When I turned it on and there was a moderately discernable picture, I felt like the kid who just robbed the entertainment candy store.
I’ve since learned that the TV is haunted and that the ghost is particularly petulant and not a big fan of me. Numerous times either myself or my former roommate would come home to a turned-on, blaring TV that neither of us had watched for a few weeks. It scared the shit out of a houseguest who thought for sure we were being robbed by the loudest villains ever.
Its location has fluctuated with my mood between the living room and my bedroom, and it doesn’t seem to affect its performance. Occasionally it’ll refuse to turn on for a few days, and it didn’t work a lick from June to August. As I was seriously thinking about going back to Goodwill to get another TV, it started working again, and for two or three blissful days I had actual full-blown television performance.
For the last month or so though, the picture has been fine, but it doesn’t make any noise. I’ve tried everything my worthless law student ass can try as far as fixing it goes, and I’m not very industrious, so I just watch without any sound. This is mostly fine for about 95% of what I like to watch: sports and Jeopardy!, although it has given me an odd set of complaints.
My two biggest problems with Jeopardy! are the fucking clues where they bring on some only-moderately-attractive pseudo-guest reader to read the “answer” instead of putting the words up on the screen and the camera guy who gets tired towards the end of the show and doesn’t pan to the answerer’s mouth fast enough for me to try to lip read the answers.
Sports is enjoyable, because there’s no possibility you’ll hear the blowhards they have commenting these days. It’s kind of refreshing not to have a shit storm of nausea-inducing circular bullshit to have to try to not get stupider from while you watch an event that people who follow it regularly can actually, gasp, form opinions about on their own. If I hear one more knob pronounce, during a football game, that the team with more running yards wins like 75% of the time, I’m going to permanently remove audio as one of my criteria when choosing a television.
I guess I wouldn’t be disappointed if the my TV goblin decided to give me the audio back, but the experience of watching the picture without any cues from the language informs you of how programs direct your attention to certain parts of the screen, and how more awkward shit goes down that I’d never noticed. Like in Jeopardy! right before they go to the breaks all the contestants are on screen acting naturally awkward while robotron Alex is informing the audience for the fifty bajillionith time that they’ll be back after these messages.
Some of it still comes through: They haven’t taken away John Madden’s obnoxious little screenwriter pen thing yet, and every time he does it it reminds me of the SNL skit where OJ draws out ‘I did it’ in football analysis.
I refuse to end this retarded little ramble with a sentence tying this whole experience to a larger theme that purports to explain the essence of human existence. Deal with it.
I’ve since learned that the TV is haunted and that the ghost is particularly petulant and not a big fan of me. Numerous times either myself or my former roommate would come home to a turned-on, blaring TV that neither of us had watched for a few weeks. It scared the shit out of a houseguest who thought for sure we were being robbed by the loudest villains ever.
Its location has fluctuated with my mood between the living room and my bedroom, and it doesn’t seem to affect its performance. Occasionally it’ll refuse to turn on for a few days, and it didn’t work a lick from June to August. As I was seriously thinking about going back to Goodwill to get another TV, it started working again, and for two or three blissful days I had actual full-blown television performance.
For the last month or so though, the picture has been fine, but it doesn’t make any noise. I’ve tried everything my worthless law student ass can try as far as fixing it goes, and I’m not very industrious, so I just watch without any sound. This is mostly fine for about 95% of what I like to watch: sports and Jeopardy!, although it has given me an odd set of complaints.
My two biggest problems with Jeopardy! are the fucking clues where they bring on some only-moderately-attractive pseudo-guest reader to read the “answer” instead of putting the words up on the screen and the camera guy who gets tired towards the end of the show and doesn’t pan to the answerer’s mouth fast enough for me to try to lip read the answers.
Sports is enjoyable, because there’s no possibility you’ll hear the blowhards they have commenting these days. It’s kind of refreshing not to have a shit storm of nausea-inducing circular bullshit to have to try to not get stupider from while you watch an event that people who follow it regularly can actually, gasp, form opinions about on their own. If I hear one more knob pronounce, during a football game, that the team with more running yards wins like 75% of the time, I’m going to permanently remove audio as one of my criteria when choosing a television.
I guess I wouldn’t be disappointed if the my TV goblin decided to give me the audio back, but the experience of watching the picture without any cues from the language informs you of how programs direct your attention to certain parts of the screen, and how more awkward shit goes down that I’d never noticed. Like in Jeopardy! right before they go to the breaks all the contestants are on screen acting naturally awkward while robotron Alex is informing the audience for the fifty bajillionith time that they’ll be back after these messages.
Some of it still comes through: They haven’t taken away John Madden’s obnoxious little screenwriter pen thing yet, and every time he does it it reminds me of the SNL skit where OJ draws out ‘I did it’ in football analysis.
I refuse to end this retarded little ramble with a sentence tying this whole experience to a larger theme that purports to explain the essence of human existence. Deal with it.
Fired Judge Blames Elf for Court Mishaps
I haven't had my daily caffeine quota, so I'm not sure how to process this news. Evidently, Luis the elf ("a 'king of kings'") and a longtime friend of former J. Florentina Floro Jr., is responsible for making the other Justices crash their cars and become seriously ill.
Thanks to the ABA for notifying me about this.
Thanks to the ABA for notifying me about this.
Thursday
Sauce Watch: On Wisconsin!
Everyone's favorite arch-conservative pillar of judicial restraint has made a valuable and delightful discovery. A quaint little store around the corner from my chambers called Moco Market has a build-your-own six-pack deal at a heck of a price, and with a fine selection of excellent local brews. I availed myself of the options and have uncovered some shining examples of what makes Wisconsin truly great.
Blonde Doppelbock, Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
This was a lovely and refreshing summertime libation. Light, sweet, and just a wee bit fruity. Exactly what kind of fruit, you ask? I really couldn't put my finger on it, maybe peach? Hint of mystery fruit aside, I hereby hold this beer to be a nice alternative when you want a nice airy beer to sip on a summer afternoon, but don't want the overwhelming kick of your traditional Hefeweizen. The Blonde Doppelbock offers all of the positive elements I associate with wheat beers, and none of the negative. Couldn't drink it every day, but the one bottle I included in my custom sixer went down reeeeeeal nice.
Staghorn Octoberfest, New Glarus, WI
One of my favorite parts about fall is when all the breweries start rolling out their Octoberfests and Oktoberfests and their Fests of all kinds. I don't recall having encountered this fine submission from New Glarus last year, and I am thrilled that they have decided to jump on the Octoberfest bandwagon. So confident was I that NG would deliver the goods, I allocated 2 of the six spots in the pack for this contender, and I can now say that ruling was not clearly erroneous. It isn't the best Octoberfest I've ever had (last year I was ALL about the Sprecher) but it is a solid and substantial beer. It is dark and full-bodied, with a slightly bitter aftertaste - reminiscent of their Fat Squirrel (this Justice's personal favorite), but with a bit more bite. I vote "Yea".
Holy Moses White Ale, Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland, OH
I mistakenly included one bottle of this in the six pack without realizing it wasn't a Wisconsin beer. I will briefly review it anyway, in the hope that the rest of you won't make the same mistake I did and actually purchase this swill. This beer was...eh. It had a lot of weird flavors going on, and I wasn't diggin it. The fine print on the label says it is made with coriander, orange peel, and chamomile. No wonder it tasted so funky. As my wise co-justice JPS once told me, "Stay away from beers with weird spices". Or something like that. Anyhoo, I give it one and half thumbs down. The remaining half thumb up is because, at 5.4% abv, one bottle (on an empty stomach) gave me a decent buzz.
Rocky's Revenge!, Tyranena Brewing Co., Lake Mills, WI
This beer! Oh, this beer! It was a dark horse contender, but I was so taken in by the charming story on the label of an ancient dragon that lives in the bottom of the lake and terrorizes the villagers, I decided to take the plunge and offer 2 coveted spots to this unknown spoiler. That was a gamble that most decidedly paid off. Rocky's Revenge is a sumptuous brown ale, with a portion aged in bourbon barrels. You can taste juuuuuust a hint of the sweet, smoky bourbon taste under the chocolatey, velvety smoothness of this quality product. The T has long been a fan of Newcastle, the quintessential brown ale, but this is far superior. It tastes like Newcastle would taste if it grew a pair. Every sip was a delight, and a great sense of melancholy descended o'er me when the last drop was drained. Good thing I got two.
Happy drinking!
Blonde Doppelbock, Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
This was a lovely and refreshing summertime libation. Light, sweet, and just a wee bit fruity. Exactly what kind of fruit, you ask? I really couldn't put my finger on it, maybe peach? Hint of mystery fruit aside, I hereby hold this beer to be a nice alternative when you want a nice airy beer to sip on a summer afternoon, but don't want the overwhelming kick of your traditional Hefeweizen. The Blonde Doppelbock offers all of the positive elements I associate with wheat beers, and none of the negative. Couldn't drink it every day, but the one bottle I included in my custom sixer went down reeeeeeal nice.
Staghorn Octoberfest, New Glarus, WI
One of my favorite parts about fall is when all the breweries start rolling out their Octoberfests and Oktoberfests and their Fests of all kinds. I don't recall having encountered this fine submission from New Glarus last year, and I am thrilled that they have decided to jump on the Octoberfest bandwagon. So confident was I that NG would deliver the goods, I allocated 2 of the six spots in the pack for this contender, and I can now say that ruling was not clearly erroneous. It isn't the best Octoberfest I've ever had (last year I was ALL about the Sprecher) but it is a solid and substantial beer. It is dark and full-bodied, with a slightly bitter aftertaste - reminiscent of their Fat Squirrel (this Justice's personal favorite), but with a bit more bite. I vote "Yea".
Holy Moses White Ale, Great Lakes Brewing Co., Cleveland, OH
I mistakenly included one bottle of this in the six pack without realizing it wasn't a Wisconsin beer. I will briefly review it anyway, in the hope that the rest of you won't make the same mistake I did and actually purchase this swill. This beer was...eh. It had a lot of weird flavors going on, and I wasn't diggin it. The fine print on the label says it is made with coriander, orange peel, and chamomile. No wonder it tasted so funky. As my wise co-justice JPS once told me, "Stay away from beers with weird spices". Or something like that. Anyhoo, I give it one and half thumbs down. The remaining half thumb up is because, at 5.4% abv, one bottle (on an empty stomach) gave me a decent buzz.
Rocky's Revenge!, Tyranena Brewing Co., Lake Mills, WI
This beer! Oh, this beer! It was a dark horse contender, but I was so taken in by the charming story on the label of an ancient dragon that lives in the bottom of the lake and terrorizes the villagers, I decided to take the plunge and offer 2 coveted spots to this unknown spoiler. That was a gamble that most decidedly paid off. Rocky's Revenge is a sumptuous brown ale, with a portion aged in bourbon barrels. You can taste juuuuuust a hint of the sweet, smoky bourbon taste under the chocolatey, velvety smoothness of this quality product. The T has long been a fan of Newcastle, the quintessential brown ale, but this is far superior. It tastes like Newcastle would taste if it grew a pair. Every sip was a delight, and a great sense of melancholy descended o'er me when the last drop was drained. Good thing I got two.
Happy drinking!
Either I'm just loopy...
or this is one of the funnier lines in a case I've ever read. From Yauger v. Skiing Enterprises, Inc. (JPSLS students may remember this case from "Contracts: Law in Action I"):
The first case involved an accident during a stock car race at a county race track. The plaintiff, a driver in the race, sustained severe brain damage when, after crashing through the guardrail surrounding the racetrack, racetrack rescue personnel sprayed chemicals into his burning car, creating toxic fumes.
This just kills me. I figured the dude would run into a tree or something. Nope, seems like he made it through the crashing part all well and good. Just couldn't deal with the toxic chemicals they sprayed into his car afterwards. I bet he was like "would you motherfuckers stop spraying me with those toxic chemicals before I get brain damage? I'm fine in here."
The first case involved an accident during a stock car race at a county race track. The plaintiff, a driver in the race, sustained severe brain damage when, after crashing through the guardrail surrounding the racetrack, racetrack rescue personnel sprayed chemicals into his burning car, creating toxic fumes.
This just kills me. I figured the dude would run into a tree or something. Nope, seems like he made it through the crashing part all well and good. Just couldn't deal with the toxic chemicals they sprayed into his car afterwards. I bet he was like "would you motherfuckers stop spraying me with those toxic chemicals before I get brain damage? I'm fine in here."
Down with Liberal Bias!
Thanks be to the JP for turning me on to the modern marvel that is Conservapedia. While he takes issue with many of their tactics, I wish to applaud them for their totally fair and balanced account of the difficulties I experienced during my confirmation to the Supreme Court. From the Conservapedia page entitled, appropriately enough, "Clarence Thomas":
Radical leftists attempted to block Thomas' nomination to the High Court through a persistent series of public guilt by association smears. Chip Berlet of Political Research Associates noted that Thomas was on the editorial board of the Lincoln Review, a quarterly black conservative publication of the Lincoln Institute. Berlet issued a rather dubious ad hominem attack which claimed "it is a far right group that has worked in coalition with… fascist and anti-Semitic groups," and goes on to “link” Lincoln Institute head J. A. Baker with the Indiana Ku Klux Klan by virtue that Baker is on the board of the Council for National Policy and another board member is supposedly a former Klan member. [10]
In a flagrant violation of the rules of the Senate [11], staff members [12] for a sitting Democratic member of the Judiciary Committee leaked a routine confidential FBI background report to Nina Totenberg of National Public Radio (NPR) [13] which contained a vicious defamatory smear intended to mar Thomas for life. The accusation was known to be false, and was concocted to publicly intimidate an African-American Republican from accepting an appointment to the nations High Court, and derail his nomination. None of the allegations could be substantiated. The deliberate falsehoods did however persuade former Ku Klux Klan Democratic Senator Robert Byrd to change his vote from "yes" for confirmation to "no".
It is so refreshing to see such clear, unbiased, and non-inflammatory reporting, so far removed from the blatant agenda-pushing generally found on Wikipedia. Bravo, Young Earth Creationists, bravo.No doping in golf?
According to ESPN.com, global golf organizations have developed a unified approach to punishing doping in golf. Before, apparently, you could dope on the Japanese Tour and then just scootch over to the Australian or Korean tours. Now, your shit won't be good anywhere.
"The list of banned substances includes anabolic agents, hormones, stimulants, narcotics, beta blockers and masking agents." The most far-reaching effect of the new ban could be to keep John Daly from smoking cigarettes on the course. In response, John went out and shot 93 and almost died from a heat stroke he couldn't fight off without his cigarette/diet cola elixir.
"The list of banned substances includes anabolic agents, hormones, stimulants, narcotics, beta blockers and masking agents." The most far-reaching effect of the new ban could be to keep John Daly from smoking cigarettes on the course. In response, John went out and shot 93 and almost died from a heat stroke he couldn't fight off without his cigarette/diet cola elixir.
The View tackles the tough questions facing today's society
Like, whether the world is round or flat. I'm serious, it's contentious, and ends with a belated nod to authority: "JOY BEHAR: You know, didn’t some person already work this question out? I mean, why are we doing this again? (laughter, applause)"
A mass mind-reading tool focused at the audience would be a kaleidoscope of comedy: "*inner monologue during laughter* Who didn't know that Al Gore discovered the world was round in the '80s!"
Thanks to Benny for the tip.
A mass mind-reading tool focused at the audience would be a kaleidoscope of comedy: "*inner monologue during laughter* Who didn't know that Al Gore discovered the world was round in the '80s!"
Thanks to Benny for the tip.
Wednesday
Conservapedia Conserva-spotlight: Abstinence
The Conservapedians have an enlightened approach to just about anything, and by that I mean, when you shine light on their approach, it gets brighter.
Abstinence is a particular nook of the world where their brilliance shines through. If you want to know why not to have sex, consult Conservapedia. If you want to have sex, consult my summer Cohorse, as he's the undisputed sexual champion of the JPSLS.
Conservapedia's entry on abstinence cites to another wonderful website Premaritalsex.info, which is seriously worth a look. Conservapedia lists a dozen or so "benefits of abstinence." I'd like to direct your attention to #6: "Personal freedom for both of you and your (future) marriage partner." By that they must mean the personal freedom not to exercise your sexual freedom, just like the slaves were free to not exercise their personal freedom.
A few others merit a look: "Longer lasting relationship. Premarital sex surprisingly breaks up more dating couples than any other factor." If you're having bad sex, you shouldn't get married though, right? This is in line with JP's tautology: While you wouldn't marry anyone you'd sleep with, hopefully you'd sleep with anyone you'd marry.
"More self-respect and more respect for each others and respected by other people." Yeah, I really respect those hackjobs on library mall screaming for abstinence.
Ok, last one, this could go on forever: "It's a fact that persons and couples who have premarital sex are more likely to have extramarital affairs as well." This reminds me of the pot-is-a-gateway-drug theory: It isn't that pot causes people to do other drugs, it's that people who will, in the future, be willing to try other drugs are usually exposed to pot first, and try it. People who are really into sex are likely to have premarital sex and extramarital affairs. These quasi-castrated conservatives, God bless 'em, either settle for awful sex their whole lives or go into a bathroom and try the wide stance.
Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: September
It's that time of the month: We get to present the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award for douchebaggery in Wisconsin politics again!
As some of you may know, JP likes to dabble in commenting on Frank Lasee's blog (see here, here, here, here, here, here, here and here) and so I feel like I have a lot of knowledge about his platform. By platform, I'm of course not referring to something that holds any weight, but the political notion of having a consistent ideology... fuck, ok, I'll come back to this problem later.
Anyways, the folks over here at Seriatim are proud to announce that Frank Lasee has won the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month Award: September! *frenetic fanatical applause* This month, Frank, it's for your repeated posting on long wait times in other countries with centralized health care.
Missing from any of this brilliant prose is (1) any discussion of the conversion process from private to public health care; (2) any discussion of economic factors that could arise as a result of public health (e.g., funding more doctors) that we could implement to alleviate some of the problems in other countries; (3) any consideration of the fact that, right now, there are lots of people that don't even have delayed health care (they don't have any).
Basically, Frank decides what would make everyone sufficiently similarly situated to Frank Lasee (white, employed, philanderer, crook, selfish, pure blood American) happy, and then he invents some cockamaymee excuse that supposedly justifies it. I don't feel this Dbag award would be complete without touching on the metaphor Frank used this week to say... well, if I knew, I'd tell you:
The Senate Democrats and the Governor want to do the budget either all or nothing. They want the entire budget or they say they are going to let our property tax bills go up. All property taxpayers will pay if they refuse to act.
***
It is a lot like owning a home with the roof leaking, the exterior paint peeling and the yard in disrepair, and saying we won’t work on any of it unless we can fix all of it. The Senate Democrats argue that if we fix the leaky roof, we will never get around to painting or mowing. The Assembly Republicans wisely see the storm on the horizon (increasing property taxes) and want to fix the leaky roof before our looming deadline.
What the hell are you talking about, Frank?
For your extreme douchebaggery in Wisconsin politics, Seriatim presents to you the Frank Lasee Douchebag of the Month: September.
Previous Winners:
July - Frank Lasee
August - Frank Lasee
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